Wow...you are a better lady than I was! I refused to make two separate meals. I didn't want any temptation around me. We rarely went out to dinner, so that wasn't an issue.

Yeah, I definitely have to say I do enjoy buying what I want; and not hearing any complaining about not making fattening meals!

BTW, your cheesecake brownie pic keeps making me WANT one!

I'm sorry for all you've been through. I haven't gone through a divorce myself but I imagine it's quite painful and messy.

But what I have been through is pure disgust at myself. I'm reading between the lines and all I see is that you don't like yourself very much. Rather than experiencing newfound freedom and pursuit of health and happiness it sounds more like you're trying to punish yourself with exercise you can't do and blaming yourself for all your regain. Well, you're not alone. Most people who diet and lose weight by dieting regain it. It's one of those horrible yet unavoidable statistics that nobody seems to want to believe.

Self blame, self disgust, self disappointment - they're all useless. There is no way you can take good care of something you hate. Build your self love and the rest will follow.

And why on earth are you doing a DVD you can't handle? What's wrong with starting with walking? What's wrong with starting a workout you can get through without feeling disappointed in yourself? We all know that fitness grows, it will grow for you too. And you've done it before so you'll get back there fast. But setting yourself up to do an exercise you can't get through is totally depressing and not much of a motivator. It sounds like you need all the motivation you can get.

I don't know, I'm just not on board with any kind of diet at all. I follow Intuitive Eating and have been happier now than I've been all my life despite the slow weight loss. I'm also eating healthier now than I ever did and enjoying exercise more than I ever have. Weightloss doesn't even have anything to do with it anymore although I know it's inevitable as I keep losing despite my indifference to it. Slowly but steadily.

To tell you the truth it sounds like you may need some counseling. What's the point of getting back on the horse again with weightloss if you don't want to live? You're welcome to visit the Intuitive Eating thread where we focus on hunger-directed eating, self esteem building and exercising for pleasure. But if you're having suicidal thoughts then a diet is the last thing you should be focusing on in my opinion. I really do hope you reach out for help.

There's a HUGE difference in hating the way you look and hating yourself. I don't hate WHO I AM. I'm a very good person. I like WHO I am. Unfortunately, I had an a$$hole of a husband who hated fat - and reminded me a lot of how much he hated it. I didn't lose the weight the first time for him. I did it for ME.

As for counseling, I can't afford it. I've even went to the freebie ones and they suck. So that is out of the question. That's why I pray. God will take care of me. I realize this is only a season of sadness; not a lifetime. Do I wish my life would stop? Yeah - sometimes I do. SOMETIMES. But that's because that would be the EASY way out. The pain and emotional upheaval sucks. It can be overwhelming at times and feel like it's never going to end. And no, I'm not suicidal.

What I DO dislike (not hate) is my ex and his ho of a girlfriend. She decided to sleep with him while we were married. But that's a whole different thread that won't be posted - cause it's too painful to talk about.

And because of the a$$hole I was married to, I now equate thin with being accepted. And loved. Thank God I have a very, very good male friend who thinks otherwise. No, we are not dating. Hopefully someday. Cause I'm not ready for anyone to enter my life. I have to fix ME.....and I'm the only one who can do it.

Exercise is my Prozac. It's my lifeline to feeling good. I never said I was doing a super hard workout. I know exactly what to do. How to tweak things to make the workout work for me. You know how it was when you first started working out. You are tired....exhausted. Also, this is the first week that I've been working out DAILY, not just a couple of times a week. So my body has to adjust. And it's now starting to.

I have my good days and my bad days. Last year at this time, every day was a bad day. Do my bad days outweigh my good ones? Not yet....but they will. That's why I got my phone number changed so my stupid ex doesn't upset me and aggrevate me. I don't need the drama in my life. So now, I've totally disconnected from the jerk. And this has been the first week I can actually THINK straight. That's because I don't have him upsetting me anymore. So there's my silver lining

Not wanting to live.... I've never experienced the will to not be alive and I don't view it for a second as a normal harmless feeling. My mother buried a son and never felt that way, though it would be logical in a scenario like that. I've known many women who divorced and never felt that way either so when someone repeatedly mentions they don't want to live and want the pain to end it's a red flag. When ending your life seems EASY as opposed to moving on from a failed marriage that's not right. I don't see anything easy about dying, I don't know anyone who does!

Religion does not govern my conscience but I know religious people do like to say that God helps those who help themselves. Prayer instead of legitimate medical attention is not a concept I understand, this is not Little House on the Prairie. It's a scapegoat to blame the other woman for a marriage that failed between 2 adults but that's just my opinion. That woman didn't take any vows to either of you so pointing fingers is just a way to offset some pain but ultimately theatrics. He's out of your life now but she was never in it to begin with.

I can understand why you would be so defensive but I was trying to lend support. Life has some bad turns some times. Diets don't fix lives, ask anyone who's lost a bunch of weight. You lost 100lbs and yet your marriage failed anyway, as did IanG's and I've never heard him saying he had no will to live. Saddness and not wanting to live do not go hand in hand. Losing weight will better your health, build your self esteem, etc. But it cannot fix anyone's life, it will help but not cure depression, it will make you look slimmer but it won't stop you from feeling disgusted with yourself. Because a reflexion in the mirror is just a perception, changing what's on the outside does not fix how you view it from the inside. I really wish that a diet would affirm your will to live, but they don't even work for weightloss so how would they fix that? But hey, you seem to know what you're doing so do what you think is right.

Maybe I am so defensive because you are very presumptuous.

When I lost my 100 pounds two years ago, I started my journey VERY depressed. I had quit smoking 10 years ago and fell into a deep, horrible depression. And yeah, back then I was suicidal. I had gone to countless doctors to try and get help. I couldn't take the anti-depressants because I had many side effects. Went to counseling, went to acupuncture.....I thought maybe my hormones were out of whack so I went to a specialist for that. I tried every avenue I could. Until a trainer that I met in the grocery store told me I should start working out and change my diet.

That's when the depression starting going away. It took about a month, but it left. And as I got stronger, I was able to do more workouts...harder workouts. And I loved every second of it. My screw up was believing my husband at the time....when he got back together....broke off...got back together again. Food became my friend (once again) and I didn't care about a damn thing....including myself.

Why do you think I'm working out? This just isn't about getting thin. I'm living proof that you can stop depression with diet and exercise. Counseling sucks; I have no interest because I have my "diety" as you probably would prefer to call Him. I call him God. And yeah, whatever - it may not be Little House, but I know He will get me through this. He has a plan for my life. Why do you think I'm not suicidal?? It's because of Him, my God that I'm not. I'm not about religion, I'm about relationship. And I have a good relationship with Christ. Am I perfect? Nope. Never will be either.

I have every right to despise his girlfriend, or as I call her, Ho. She didn't care he was married when she slept with him. How would you like someone sleeping with your husband behind your back? Me thinks you would feel very bitter towards her. Scapegoat? I'm not making her a scapegoat. She isn't the reason my marriage failed....I know that. But you don't sleep with someone until they are divorced. My ex and I had a great relationship until she came into the picture. Now that he has her, my relationship, which when he didn't have anyone was on the mend and could have possibly been fixed, was shattered with her entrance. And the thought of someone sleeping with my soul mate, the person I was married to for 25 years, made me want to vomit.

So....unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have no clue.

I don't doubt that it's very painful to be left for someone else and having anger directed in all directions is somewhat inevitable. I'm sure she had her own reasons for sleeping with a married man but you were the furthest thing from her mind when she did it. Women fall in bed with a man because of how he makes her feel and that's it, they don't go to bed with a man whilst thinking about other women. She may not share your views about the sanctity of marriage which is not unusual, many don't. "You don't sleep with someone until THEY are divorced" is not a mantra you can impose on someone else. Your husband is the one who broke vows and hurt you. Not trying to condone anyone here, just saying. I can't imagine how I would react if my husband did that, I'm sure there would be feelings of anger but I can't imagine directing them at someone other than my husband.

I'm sure religion is a great comfort, it's just not a replacement for medical attention. I'm sorry you came in contact with therapists that weren't a good fit for you, I've met my share of useless therapists but then was lucky enough to find a couple of really good people that helped me through some tough times. It's alarming that you're nonchalant about having suicidal thoughts.

Are you proof that you can stop depression with diet and exercise? No, not if if it all came crashing back. Like I said, it helps, but it doesn't cure. You are though yet another example of how diets lead to regain. If nothing I say makes sense to you that's fine. I've got my own shoes to walk in, I hope you can find some peace in forgiveness and embrace the life that is awaiting you.

Im so sorry JerseyPA girl. I have been through a divorce and I know how unbelievably painful it is. And *I* was the one who wanted it. I remember that first morning without him waking up and not knowing how to make the coffee. He always got up before me and he made the coffee. I literally did not know how to operate the coffee maker. But I learned, and I learned how to do all the things he did for me and then some. I did get through it but it was one of the most painful times in my life so far.

I am now happily remarried but it was rough. My ex is happily remarried too and we are both much happier. I just wanted to offer you sympathy. You can and will get through this.

Palestrina It might be time for you to gracefully bow out of this thread. You are no longer being supportive, just argumentative and it's not progressing the thread. The OP has the right to her opinions, just as you do, but since she started this and not you she gets to set the tone.

Jersey I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's not okay and it's not your fault. You have every right to feel hurt and discouraged. But I am so proud to hear you stand up for what you believe and that you are taking control of the things in your life you can change.

I agree! Jersey, you have my support! Women....need to keep their legs closed to married men! What goes around comes around, and she will lose him the same way she got him.

Jersey-i just want to send you hugs and support. You have been through so much and didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm glad that you've found some ways to cope with God, exercise and diet changes.

Again, I don't have suicidal thoughts. Wow, are you dense?? Anyway, you are now blocked because your comments are worthless and you apparently don't have a clue what you are talking about. And I don't have the patience or time to deal with people such as yourself.

Ha! Absolutely agree with you!! Yes, I sure hope so.

Thanks, HiHeart

Yeah, no one deserves this treatment. It's a very painful process to go through. But I'll get there. I appreciate your support

Thank you, LovelyLeah. Yeah, I think Palestrina got a bit carried away with herself. She was treading waters that she obviously doesn't have a clue about. And there is so much more to the story that I told, but I didn't feel the need to go into a full blown detail.

Your support is greatly appreciated Thanks again!

Thanks, Pinkhippie! Glad you found happiness again. I will, too....it's just taking some serious time to get here