If my husband said that to me, I'd slap the silly **** outta him.

One thing I've learned, sometimes we have to teach people how to be supportive of us. Support means different things to different people - like diets, it's not a "one size fits all."

For me, support means helping by doing. My husband THINKS he is being supportive by simply telling me "You're beautiful to me; I don't care how much you weigh" - when in fact, beauty comments is not what I'm after. I want a walk after dinner! a compromise on pizza (how about more veggies, less pepperoni???) an offer to get his *** off the couch & hit a 20-minute bike run w/me, or be my spotter when I'm lifting weights, etc.

"you're beautiful to me; I don't care how much you weigh" is a very nice compliment. I appreciate it. I give him a gold star ("thanks honey!!!!") But (to me) SUPPORT is DOING, not yakking. YaknowwhatImean??

I'm glad you guys were able to have that chat and I hope that next time he takes the time to be proud of you and share in the joy of your success before telling you how much more you could be doing. Ugh! Men.

I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one. That IS amazing! You need to recognize what an amazing accomplishment that is. You've gotten farther than the vast majority of people who ever even attempt to lose weight, and you've done it in a timely fashion. 40 lb in a year is a radical change for your body, and you deserve to feel proud of it!

I will say that sometimes people who are in excellent/way-above-average shape don't even remember or understand how difficult it is for people who aren't. It's just so far removed from their daily experience. To him, a 30-second plank really is super easy and nothing special - because he's got years and years worth of muscle development and strength built to support the movement. You don't. Plus moves like that tend to be physiologically easier for men anyway! I know I can't hold a 30 second plank yet, so that's another thing that you should be proud of.

My only advice would be this: explain to him that what you're doing isn't easy for you the way it is for him. Explain how it makes you feel when he dismisses and belittles your accomplishments. Then carry on being proud and confident in yourself and your accomplishments, regardless of what he says; eventually he'll come 'round and feel the same way you do. Genuine confidence is infectious.

Edit: Oh, darn. That's what I get for replying before reading the whole thread. Glad to see you've had a discussion about it already and that things are on their way to being resolved!

My hubby does sort of the same thing. He is a health nut and thinks excercise is the most important thing anyone can do for themselves. Whenever I achieve a goal in my excercise regime I share with him and he says 'good, but maybe do it this way instead, you might get better results'. I finally told him that this actually made me want to quit instead of continue as it was not motivating to hear that you are doing things wrong according to him.

This actually worked and he no longer tries to improve my routines unless I ask for his help.

Congratulations on your success and keep going!

I agree with this. He's a man. He's already fit. He doesn't realize how hurtful words like that can be. He needs to be told that he hurt you.

And 40lbs in 10 months is quite impressive! Congrats!!


ETA: Whenever my husband does something hurtful I either send him an email or write a letter. I'm really not good at confrontation. I forget my side and just go with his. So writing is easier for me. He'll come up to me later with the letter apologizing.

Oh we're perfectly wonderful at confrontation lol. I have NO qualms with telling him what I'm thinking. Men always want to give their advice instead of listening. When we tell them something like that they want to interject their opinion and advice when all I was really looking for was a , "job well done babe!" It's 100% true that when he says harsh stuff that he thinks is pushing me to work out more, it's actually having the opposite effect. I just get angry and want to give up to spite him lol. We've been married 2 years but together for almost 7 and lived together for almost all of that. We do know each other well, but he is still a freakin' man and boys will be boys. Good lord could they have a little bit more sensitivity though?

Tonight I worked out and told him what he did and when he'd go, "How many push ups?" I just ignored him and went on to the next thing I did lol. He wants to know how many or how long of something I did so he can say, well next time do it longer! DORK!

My uncle is a fitness junkie, so I can assure you, and do not take this with a grain of salt: guys who take working out seriously, take working out seriously. Like obsessively. Men get cocky over these things like it's their turf -_- if the comments start spiraling out of just the fitness domain though, then it's time to sit down and talk..

My husband was off of work for 8 weeks and gained a few pounds. He jumped on the scale last week and he lost 5 more than he gained. This drives me nuts I have to count every carb and workout 30 - 60 minutes a day and it has taken me 3 + weeks to lose 9 pounds.
I know how you feel my problem with my husband is not exercising it is eating, he questions everything I eat and looks at me as if I am a pig sometimes. It has gotten better since I started this diet but, just last night when I was making myself dinner cause I got home late for work he was questioning what I made while he sat across from me eating sugared up cereal.
I think that they mean the best for us but, sometimes they have very crappy bedside manners.
Keep up the good work on your weight loss and be proud to have lost anything because it is a struggle everyday and you have done awesome. 40 pounds in 10 months is great!

This used to be my problem years ago....

ok maybe a teeny-tiny bit still today at 57 yrs. old

It wasn't that I wasn't listening, I just "focused" about 1/2 way through what my wife was telling me on what I was going to say to "help" her...

and as you said, all she wanted was a job well done BABE

Sounds like you both will be just fine

This.

My husband is Spec Ops and very "gung-ho G.I. Joe". It took years for him to understand that not only am I NOT him, I don't want to BE him, or workout like HE does!!! He finally gets that women are different...our bodies, our metabolism, our motivations....

And frankly, most spouses don't do well having the other spouse be "the coach". DISASTER!!! Tell him if you wanted a personal trainer, you'd have hired one! And that what you really need is support. Talk about things you have in common, like new healthy foods, workout tips. But it all has to remain in the "friendly, non-judgemental zone", right??

As my husband will proudly declare, the only thing he REALLY needs to say is, "Yes, dear."

hahaha! ^^THIS has to be the best post I've read all day!

I completely agree! That is my sweet, loving and supportive fiancee to a T. He is getting really good at recognizing when he does or says something insensitive but it definitely takes work.

Well, I'll tell you all this. My husband must have gotten the hint because a few days ago I was upset that my stomach was still all chubby and kinda saggy I guess. It made me mad since I'd lost so much weight and I still didn't like the way it looked. He told me that I'd been doing so well that he was bragging to all of his friends about me and was telling them that every day, without fail, I was coming home and cooking a healthy meal and that I should be his inspiration! He keeps telling me how tiny I'm getting and saying really positive things. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about lol!

I always find myself rolling my eyes at some responses. Geez kick your husband to the curb for telling you your workout was average? Come on.
Anyway, guys are just different and I think they see that as motivation. In guy language who wants to be average? Step it up! LOL.
Congrats on your weight loss and your increased physical strength.
Just tell him that's not encouraging to you and move on.

Or, you know, look at what's going on in your relationship when your spouse says something that s/he knows will hurt you and that devalues something you've been working hard on for a long time and makes you ashamed of progress you've worked hard for.