Advice re: my DH's friend. Any males (or females) with an opinion on this?
I wonder if I'm alone out there if anyone has this issue with their "significant other's" friends. I guess, I have several theories on it, but I would really appreciate the opinions of others on this and thought this would be the perfect place to post it. My husband's friend and I have an odd relationship. Sometimes I think he loves me and thinks of me like a sister, and other times I think he hates me with a fierce passion. There is no real explanation as to why the highs and lows with me. He does not suffer from bipolar depression and does not treat ANYONE else like this. My husband and I were seriously dating YEARS prior to him even MEETING my husband, so it's not like "stealing his friend away" is the reason. I like him a lot. He is a lot of fun and is always good to my husband, he was in our wedding and we used to talk a lot up until that point, even have coffee just the two of us sometimes if my husband had to work. Lately he will get mad at me out of seemingly nowhere and offer no good explanation as to why he is angry and does not want to solve the problem. Sometimes he welcomes me with open arms, sometimes he tries to make me feel like he doesn't want me around. I thought maybe he wanted to hang out "just the guys" sometimes, which I COMPLETELY understand and suggested they have times without me there, at least once a week. But every single time WITHOUT fail he has BEGGED me to come along, then he'll act all weird around me. Recently, as in this week, I had a bad week at work so he offered me his concert tickets to this band I love, I was sooo happy. Then he started acting all stand offish. I was going to make him and ALL the boys dinner tonight (they live on another floor of my building), but at the last minute EVERYONE other then me and him had to work for the evening and dinner was already made and he seemed to not want me to come downstairs and hang out just him and me! He was making me feel so embarrassed and unwelcome that I told him I wasn't going to take those concert tickets after all. I don't know if he's having fights with his brand new gf and taking it out on me or what?? I just wish he would be more clear, either we are friends or he is just my husband's friend and I am his friend's wife. What do you guys think I should do? Sorry for the long thread, just had to vent
I guess I went on a little rant there. The specific issue is that I am confused as to why he is treating me wonderfully one minute and then completely rudely the next. Rudely to the point of tears and I am NOT a crier. I wouldn't care if it was just some guy in our lives, but he is one of my husband's best friends, and I thought one of mine too. This is NOT typical behaviour of this person...he JUST does it to me. So I thought maybe it was a friend vs wife issue, but I am unsure. I know there is nothing I can specifically "do" short of completely ignoring him, but it would help me to feel better about it all if I had some idea as to why he does this to me and me only! Any thoughts would make me feel better.
My impression (though I definitly could be wrong), is that he might be attracted to you, and either consciously or unconsciously is expressing his mixed feelings about it.
On the other hand, I have a similar relationship with one of my husband's friends. I don't think he is attracted to me, but sometimes he does seem to be uncomfortable (though not angry) with my presence. Mostly I think for him, it's because he doesn't relate well to people in general, and women in particular.
Can I EVER relate to this! I've always found easier friendship in guys rather than girls. As a rule, they're easier to read. However, this has caused a ton of hard lessons learned, the first and biggest is never to take their actions personally! I'm thinking that his new GF has an issue with you 2 being so close. I could be wrong, but it's so common it's unreal. I know I'm being stereotypical here, but women have this tendency to be territorial when it comes to "their" men. I've seen so many relationships end terribly because "their man" has a close friendship with another woman. My second guess is that he's got feelings for you that he can't deal with. Neither of the guesses even matter to be honest. You need to just come out with it...ask him what the h*ll his problem is and ask it just like that! Men appreciate our ability to keep it real with them and the only way you're going to be able to do that is to ask the guy what's going on! If nothing else, you're going to feel better for letting him know that he's weighing heavily on your mind and your emotions. And I have to ask: what does your husband do or say about any of this? He should be asking the guy his problem too!
Hmm...I would have to agree and say I think he may be attracted to you. Or perhaps you embody everything in a person that he is looking for and it makes him mad that he can't find someone like you?? The concert thing could be that he was upset you didn't offer to take him with his tickets.
If you are close, I think you should definitely have a heart to heart and ask him whats up? You should let him know how he makes you feel and you don't appreciate the unwelcoming behavior he portrays while insisting you attend a function. Good luck!
I would probably lean more toward the new girlfriend if the behaviour changes coincide with her arriving on the scene.
I think someone mentioned above that women tend to be posessive of their man and can sometimes feel quite threatened by there being another women in his life who predates her and who knows him much better than she does herself.
She may be testing him out by suggesting he spends to much time with you or he may be trying to please her by being distant with you.
If all else fails just ask him if everything is alright. I personally can't stand letting things fester and grow because we don't nip it in the bud and just find out what is causing it.
My impression (though I definitly could be wrong), is that he might be attracted to you, and either consciously or unconsciously is expressing his mixed feelings about it.
Got to agree that this was my first thought too. But depending on how/if his behaviour coincides with the acquisition of the new girlfriend, it's quite possible that it's tied in with her. Good luck with this.
My impression (though I definitly could be wrong), is that he might be attracted to you, and either consciously or unconsciously is expressing his mixed feelings about it.
My first thought as well. Quite frankly, I would draw some serious boundaries. Find some friends who are not so volatile. The way he treats you, he is not a very good friend. If he is interested in more, that can only cause pain and heartache for all involved.
Boundaries, girl! This "friendship" is not worth it.
If this person is truly a friend, I might bring it up. Once. That you noticed he's been acting different lately, it makes you feel really hurt, how do you think you can fix the situation, does he want to talk about it?
If nothing changes, distance yourself from this "friend". It's not worth the stress and frustration. Especially if you just end up almost in tears. Definitely not worth it.
Definitely keep your husband in the loop about the friendship & what's going on, though.
Thanks for your replies, I did ask him if he wanted to come with me to the concert and he said he couldn't go. Both things, his new gf being jealous/ possibly being attracted to me HAD crossed my mind, but I guess I don't want to believe it. I guess, being this big, I never believe people find me attractive, so I tend to assume there is no way they would be and don't think I need to set up boundaries (oh THERE is an epiphany! Maybe I've been big this long because I enjoy the freedom of not believing I have to set up boundaries??? Interesting). With his new gf, she has actually been his friend before my husband and I even met him and she and I get along great. I always try to go out of my way to make her feel welcome in our group and talk to her separately so she feels comfortable, cause I have been the "new girlfriend" in a group too before and know 1st hand how other women in the group (even if they have no feelings other than friendship for your bf) can make you feel awkward. My husband and I tried to deal with one issue where he was being "pissy" with me, but he just "hid" from us until the whole thing was forgotten...he tends to do that a lot, runs and hides from the problem so things DRAAAAAAG on! One time I expressed to him how his behaviour makes me feel and he got so freakin defensive and said I was being "melodramatic". Reading this back I would tell myself he is not worth the bother of all this and I should just forget him, but I think that is easier said than done. He is in our lives. I do wish my husband would take more of an active role. Behind closed doors he totally agrees with me.
One thing to consider is that his feelings (no matter what they are) are not your problem. And you do not have to make them your problem. My suggestion would be to make it a non-issue. When he's acting like a jerk, laugh at him. "Jeez, what's up your butt!" said in a laughing tone tends to make your point, reminding him and yourself that it's not your problem, it's his.
Another thing to consider is that women tend to "read" people much better than men do. Is his behavior inappropriate, or are you just getting different "vibes" from him? Vibes, you should probably ignore, but if his behavior is inappropriate, that's another matter. In my experience, laughing at (slightly mocking) inappropriate behavior often works better with guys than direct confrontation.
Thanks, Kaploids. I think you are definitely right about his feelings not being my problem and that mocking "teasing" is usually a good idea, but for some reason when I mock him, he gets all defensive and upset with me...and not anyone else. Normally, I would just shrug a person like this off thinking they are not worth my time, but it's difficult when we all live so close (my dh's friends live on the floor below us) to not want to "keep the peace", but I guess if he is making me feel this way than HE is the one with the problem and I should probably just ignore him until he comes to talk to me this time, and let my dh know I am doing this. I just HATE these silly little games. I just wish he would either give me straight answers so we can deal with it and move and stop trying so hard to be friends with me and then, once I start being his friend, knock me down. He is definitely not a good friend if he is treating me like this. It's sad, but, maybe I do need to just cut him out for my own sanity.
Advice re: my DH's friend. Any males (or females) with an opinion on this?
