Oh, and another thing that runs through my head is -- "Thank god I live alone and the only eyes on me right now are my cats". I typically binge in bed and my dresser mirror is directly across from it. I put a pillow up to block my image staring back at me.

I often think about how much better I'll feel once my stomach is full. I want something NOW and can't stop thinking about the way it tastes and feels as I chew it.

Sometimes the binge "spell" isn't broken until I feel physically ill. Until that point it's just, "chewchew*gulp*chewchewchew"

A binge is a full day process for me. From whenever the binge starts until bedtime. I usually have a bedtime "snack" (usually with like twice as many calories as an on-plan meal) just to go out with a bang. And my thoughts through the day kind of progress in a predictable manner.

Starts out with justifications. "I've been so good lately." "I'm well within my maintenance range." "I'll just have one or a little..." "It's a party/social event/holiday/whatever, it's special!" "Everyone else is eating, it would be rude if I didn't." All of these justifications seem perfectly logical and legitimate at the time, but in one corner of my brain I absolutely know that they're silly justifications that will lead to a binge. But I let myself think happy thoughts and do it anyways.

Once it starts and I initiate the binge, I get the "Well crap, I blew it. Today is a binge day, it can't be recovered. Might as well enjoy it." For the rest of the day I'm anxious, fidgety, desperate, crazed, panicky, out of control, and I can't think about anything else other than what I can eat. How I can eat it without being seen. What's in the pantry or fridge. How to be quiet about opening packages. What excuses to make to go to the store. Whatever the situation is. Even if I'm alone, all I can think about is shovelling as much food as I can into my mouth. Any and all food will do. I gravitate towards sweets, but I've had days where I eat sandwich after sandwich after sandwich just because that's what's in the kitchen. Sure, I like a sandwich, but I don't long for them and feel deprived of them. All I'm thinking about is getting more food.

Then I get the guilt and self-punishment kinda feelings. "Ugh, I screwed up so much today...I might as well shove more in my fat disgusting face even though I feel sick." I just marinate in self-loathing feelings while feeling physically sick and miserable. And yet I keep eating.

I wake up the next morning feeling thirsty, and like I had swallowed a ton of cement. And hating myself. I walk around miserable, force myself to look at the scale which compounds my misery. So I promise myself that I'll "make it right" and I'll just eat 500 calories today. Maybe tomorrow too......And so continues the binge/restrict pattern.

I'm happy to say that it's been nearly a month binge free though

I wanted to comment here on the binging but also see that krampus is listed from Fukuoka, Japan. So, I hope you're safe and finding all your loved ones are also safe. Many people are following Japan's updates with hope and gratitude for good news.

As far as the binging, I agree that "Idon'tcareIdon'tcare" runs through my mind. I am so much thinner than I've ever been in my life that I sometimes can't connect the binging and the weight link. I ate a billion sausages and home-made pancakes yesterday. I gave up meat (except the rare "bacon, lettuce tomatoe sub") four years ago. So, stuffing myself with food I haven't enjoyed for so long was a great joy. In my mind I think, "I haven't had this food in forever". But there are tons of foods that "I haven't had in forever" that I can binge all year--twice daily--on that theory.

When the after-binge guilt blows up, I've found myself purging. So, I'm forbidding myself the post-binge guilt and the permission to just let myself "turn over a new leaf" at that very moment (not waiting until tomorrow). I just don't ever want to purge food again.

Unfortunately I have spent the past few days binging - real big binges, things I'd never done before like eating a jar of frosting and actually buying 8 different things at a convenience store and then ordering a pizza just to have something savory. I noticed that I didn't really think about anything - it felt like a break from life, and I tried really hard to ignore that tight feeling in my midsection and dull sickness as I waddled into bed.

I guess I'd be interested in changing the thread topic to "how do you feel physically when binging?" I noticed after a couple days of binging on crunchy things/nuts that my jaw hurt from all the chewing, and the entire inside of my mouth feels super sensitive from huge amounts of sugar and sh!t.

After yesterday's binge on breakfast food, I was super stuffed and felt horrible for five hours afterwards. I drank lots of water after that to keep up the full feeling to avoid trying to eat something and continue the problem. When I started to want to eat again, I popped dry popcorn for the family. I did melt low-cal cheese on it--and had two helpings but then dashed off to brush my teeth to avoid a search for something else.

My tricks to avoid out of control behavior: brush teeth, drink tons of water, exercise, start doing something new that takes an hour or so, read in bed to fall asleep early.

I Don't Care...I Need it....I Want it

I get completely irrational when I am out of control and I just want to eat. Those words are all it takes.

When I am about to binge/binging, I find myself making light of the situation, "Oh, its fine... I am just giong to enjoy junk food like a normal person! I will NOt purge after, its ok! Its fine, go ahead..." Its like some voice inside telling me its fine "Doing it again is fine, you havent even gained weight from doing this" Ughh the mental battles we face..

This past week, while on vacation, my old binge feeling returned, even though it has been nascent for years. YEARS. Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down. But it left me shaken for a whole day afterward, even though I wasn't tempted any longer, just sort of amazed at what had so nearly happened. I've described myself here in many posts as in recovery, but this episode humbled me & made me truly believe that this may be a lifelong issue for me & I may be prone to it forever if conditions are right.

I was on vacation, eating in restaurants every night, which isn't a problem. I pick restaurants carefully to ensure that it won't be. But this time, having to think of a place to go quickly, I decided to return to one I'd already been to. I saw a regional dish that I'd considered trying: Steamed crab, shrimp, sausage, onions & red jacket potatoes. This includes two foods that I try to limit, which are sausage & potatoes. I decided to have it.

As soon as I started eating the sausage -- which I haven't had in ages -- it was so good that it seemed to set off something in my brain. Whatever it is, it's nearly inarticulate. It's like a baby's suckling instinct, I think. What went off was: "So good ... so good .... more ... more ... more ... "

I finished the dish, giving away a portion of the treacherous sausage to a dinner companion, and then sat there feeling strangely & dangerously overexcited, overstimulated & yes, invulnerable, like someone who suddenly thinks they can hit their car's accelerator really hard & FLY & that nothing bad will happen. My feelings were in an uproar. A dam seemed to have broken in me. I felt greedy & desirous. Why, if I'd enjoyed that regional food, the next thing I needed to do was stop in one of those candy shops & get pecan pralines. And pecan logs. And sugared pecans. Oh, and yes, look around for other stuff I might never get again.

I kept telling my dinner companions, "I know this is crazy, but I feel so guilty about eating that sausage." Mostly because I wanted them to reassure me that no, having smoked sausage at dinner for the first time in several years was not an irredeemable sin. But also I wanted them to tell me that I was indeed now in an irrational zone.

Confirmation requested; confirmation received. Half my rational mind returned, and it said, "This is a tipping point. You can get up from this dinner, pleased with the meal, and return to life as normal -- the new, healthier normal you've created. Or you can give in to this feeling, whatever it is, & start hunting down more overstimulating food like a madwoman & take yourself back to that ugly, dark, guilty, self-hating place you know so well."

I decided it wasn't worth it, but I was restless for the rest of the night. Had to have some herbal tea later. Even then, I was still wanting, wanting, wanting. What a relief to go to bed. Even more of a relief to wake up the next morning with my mind clear, having somehow rebooted or re-set in the night, and to return to eating with care.

But it was so close there.

This has answered one of the things I'd been idly wondering, whether I could deal with a weekly "treat" meal.

I can't. Sorry. Not now. And maybe never.

This thread is really hitting close to home for me. I've really been struggling lately as I'm trying to get some health issues in check: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/diet...ml#post3747304

When I do binge, I just think about what the next food I want to eat will be. I'm so focused on what I'm going to eat, I don't even focus on what I'm eating at that moment. I mean to start each day successfully, only to fall off the again by late afternoon. I just feel so ashamed and discouraged lately.

Since I've been able to lose the first 30+ pounds and maintain for about a year, I've allowed myself treats fairly often. It helps with cravings a lot. My last binge-type episode was the week before Christmas.

I read in the paper about a physician who recommends her patients allow themselves a 100-150 calorie treat every day. This sounds like a lot and would probably slow weight loss but it also may prevent binges for some people. It could also probably cause binges for some people... we all know ourselves better than anyone. For me, daily or every other day treats really keep me sane lol

I don't know if this will be helpful for anyone, I hope so.

I would always feel so depressed and hopeless when I was at my highest weight, overeating and over-drinking all the time. I think it's so important to try to address the reason we binge and try to overcome it.

At the beginning of reading this thread, for some reason, it made me really want to binge but I continued reading and I got comfort hearing how people pick themselves up after wards and not give up entirely.

Kaseyy, there's definitely something to be said for allowing yourself frequent treats. BUT, like you said, we all know ourselves better than anyone else. It's so important to figure out what works and what does work (or at least works the best, if it was so easy to figure out and do what works, none of us would be here, lol). For some, that's giving up their trigger foods entirely, others have to have very rare indulgences, others do well having frequent treats.

Personally, small treats are mental torture for me. Even if they're well within my calories and planned. 150 calories is a decent amount of chocolate, my weakness, so in theory, I'd be thrilled to plan in 150 calories of chocolate into my day. But unfortunately, 150 calories isn't neeeaaaarly enough to satisfy my desire for chocolate. Maybe 1,000-3,000 calories (no joke) over a day might satisfy my desire for chocolate for the day. So allowing myself a "tiny" taste of chocolate at all is either setting myself up for a binge or a miserable anxious desperate day of obsessively thinking about eating more chocolate and trying to maintain control. Quite frankly, it's easier and safer for me to just stay away from the chocolate. I do allow myself very isolated treats. It's my birthday next week, and you can bet that I'll have a piece of chocolate cake and not feel guilty about it. But my birthday only comes once a year.

Anyways, I'm in no way trying to refute the frequent small treats advice. For some people it's a life saver, and I'm so glad that it's working for you. For others (like me), having small frequent treats and then trying to limit myself to just that small treat for the day, is practically no better than fingernails on a chalkboard. Just goes to show how vastly different all of our approaches to this game are

mkendrick- It is funny how different people react to this, I get the trigger food thing too, chocolate is up there but pizza would probably be my worst, it's hard to have a reasonable amount but I usually still have some once a week, I just have to make sure to have a nice salad or other green with it and that keeps it balanced.

Happy early Birthday and enjoy that cake girl!! Calories do not count on your bday!

I eat whole pizzas, 2 boxes of girl scout cookies (I obsess over thin mints), whole gallons of ice cream and milk, a loaf of bread toasted. No purging. I held my weight in check mostly because I worked out like a demon, but as I get further into my 20s the weight piles on because of my binging. Stress reaction, definitely, but also b/c i enjoy the flavor of the food and my stomach seems to have acquired an extra large capacity over the years. I never really feel full.

That's me to the tee. it's not so bad, just a little bit more won't hurt. I don't care if I'm blowing my diet, this makes me not feel the bad emotion.