I tried to be sweet on her by letting her talk me into taking her to the gym with me. Never again. My obesity has been a source of personal pain, so when she points out that I am still fat, it such a self esteem killer, i feel like I can't even be around her.

What if the advice is given to you in a smug way? That's the one thing I hate about family, is that they know just how to push your buttons. Its not enough for me to "smile and say nothing" when she also makes rude remarks about the fact that I am heavier than her and still struggling. I really feel like telling my aunt and uncle that I refuse to talk to her, even if it turns into a big family drama.

Maybe she isn't sharing some of the downs. The thing is she picks at me cause she knows its a weakness. I do know the women in my family are pretty competitive when it comes to dating, beauty, fashion sense. I so want to get away from that and just do my own thing without feeling evaluated.

She is not interested in being "my fitness partner" why would a "fitness partner" try to purposely make you feel as if you are not dieting or exercising the right way? I had a partner at one time, she has since moved due to her job, but in the year we worked out together, we used to bench each others weights, and assist each other with lifts, NOT try to out pace or out do each other. I just don't want to work with my cousin, I am just trying to find a way to civilly ignore her, and never return her phone calls without a big family to do.

I would tell her how you feel. Tell her you appreciate her concern, but you are doing things your own way, your doctor agrees that it's a good, healthy way, and if she would like to help people lose weight, tell her to read up on becoming a nutritionist or personal trainer. If she can't let it go, tell her you can't be around her because she's bringing you down.

I don't have a lot of patience for that sort of behavior. it seems pretty clear that she is using you to feel better about herself, and feeling better about herself somehow means that she needs to compare and come out "better."

I think I would tell her that I'm happy for her, but I don't have time or the energy for petty games of that sort. I'm proud of myself and don't feel the need to compare my way of being or doing things with hers.

And then I'd avoid her like the plague whenever possible. I really detest twerps like that.

I think by arguing, you almost play into the smugness.

I have a lot of experience dealing with people who comment on my personal decisions...nosy people, smug people, people who just want to comment on my life without having perspective. I can tell you, they DO NOT know how to react when you acknowledge and move on. Particularly the smug people seem to want you to argue and engage. If you don't give them that opportunity, they get sort of...lost. And then they drop the topic, since they don't know how to handle you.

Dramatic, competitive people thrive on drama. Cutting her out or making a big scene rewards her and gives her what she wants (drama and to make you feel bad, and the opportunity to spin this story as "Poor girl just can't accept that I'm skinnier, so she cut me out"). Being mild, vaguely pleasant, and not engaging gives her none of that. She'll be deeply unsatisfied with the conversation, because she didn't get what she wanted (a reaction and drama from you) but will have no way to spin it or complain about it without revealing her true motive (to cause drama)...what would she say? You have complete control over the situation, she loses, and eventually, the situations stop happening because she can't get what she wants from you.

Just my experience. But it works, without any of the WWIII-type family drama, in many, many cases.

I think that talking to her this way actually continues her gameplay, because she's getting a reaction (which is what she wants if she is being smug to rile you up). What works best, in my experience, is refusing to play altogether.

You have done an amazing job in a healthy way. On the other hand, your cousin has a very big chance of gaining her weight back because she has not learned to make healthy meal choices and exercise. Depending on her surgery, she may have maladsorption which is certainly not a way I choose to abuse my body.

In the long run, you will be the victor!

Here, here.

Even though my mind says that WLS is a tool and she's on the same road we're on- the old, fatter-me and my fists say ""

What is it about losing weight that turns people into preachy know-it-alls? Precisely why I hate even discussing weight loss with people. I would do what others have said - yes her into silence.

She is obviously compensating for some lack of confidence or self-esteem with her chosen path for weight loss. Don't let it bug you, it probably has zero to do with you.

I completely agree. I have family members that deliberately and passive-aggressively pick at me, and getting nasty with them only gives them the opportunity to play the "I'm only trying to help" card, and plays them as the victim. Just take the high road. You can tell her what she says hurts, but do it in a way that you remain respectful, even though she's not.

I think you may just need to tell her it bothers you and that if it continues you'll have to limit your time together. And you can tell her without arguing...being snotty...etc, etc. While she is family...if she's upsetting you this much, you should tell her. She may not even realize she's doing it. Or if she does...and after you tell her she keeps doing it...I wouldn't be spending all too much time with her.

Wow. this is a really interesting - and emotionally loaded - discussion. I'm voting for the 'my weight loss is NONE of your business' group. your cousin has made her choice -for better or for worse - and has to figure out to live with it. Based on what you're saying, I'm guessing that she had her surgery less than, oh, about two years ago. Things get harder after that point.

Gotta toss out a thought, though. a person who's had weight loss surgery has suddenly - overnight - immediately - had any and all recourse to emotional eating REMOVED. no more eating when you're angry, upset, happy, afraid, etc etc etc, and you've just lost the one crutch that's helped you get through unpleasant situations.

i suspect your cousin is having trouble dealing with her emotions without eating them. perhaps she has ALWAYS been jealous of you - and literally swallowed her frustration. But now, she can sure 'prove something' to you. for whatever satisfaction it brings her.

no matter what, she has a long physical and emotional road ahead of her. you have done PHENOMENALLY well and you don't need this nonsense in your life. But i would also suggest avoiding fighting attitude with attitude. I'm not sure your cousin has any idea that she's being pathological and hurtful.

my sisters were FURIOUS with me for losing so much weight after my surgery. I didn't understand it - i was simply happy that I was no longer bedridden and could get out of the house and have some fun!!!

people are weird.

Except for L144. she's one of the sanest, smartest people around!!!

In this you are so right. I had to cut my relationship with a family member and found it was the very best thing I could have done. Yeah, there was some family drama for a while, but that was better than what I'd been enduring for decades. No regrets. Family is supposed to hold one another up, NOT tear us down.