I have been hiding from my friends.

Why? I don't know. Ashamed, I guess. I don't know what happens to me. I feel like a psycho. I'm going along........just fine.......willpower is at an all time high........SOO on program....and then boom.....I stop dead in my tracks. I have been off program since last Sunday.

Not bad off program.....just off kilter. You know, it's kinda like when you are out of church. (Hope I don't offend anyone.....I'm not really getting into religion, this is just the way I feel) You go to church regularly.....every Sunday. And then one Sunday you think, "I'm really tired today......I'll go next week." But then, something comes up, (or so you think) and you miss the next Sunday. Then before you know it, six Sundays have passed and your totally out of church. That may sound wierd to some of you, but that's kinda how I relate it. I'm going along.....44.5 pounds gone off this massive body, nearing the 200's, and I completely blow it and I have no idea.

And don't get me wrong....I haven't gone back to my old eating habits. Days of eating a 20 piece Mcnugget meal......a big mac and a strawberry shake......I have still been drinking water and believe it or not, journaling. But I've not really been keeping an eye on the points and I'm sure I have been going over my limit every day. I like being back on first shift, but this has been my first week back and it has been horrible. At least on thirds, eating OP seemed so easy to me. I came home from work and went to bed (if I was lucky) but seldom really felt hungry. I was really eating an average of two meals a day. I would eat one meal at home before I went to work and then eat at work. This week, I've been taking my lunch and doing really good with my eating at work and drinking my water, but when I come home, it all falls apart. DH has switched to 1st shift too, and now we are home together in the evenings. At first I was delighted with the idea, but now I'm not so sure. We have eaten out 3-4 times this week. And I keep telling myself, "Well, I'll just eat what I want today and will get right back on track tomorrow." But you know what?
Tomorrow never comes. 
I can feel all my progress slowly sliding backwards and I'm scared I'm not going to stop. It's like my willpower has went right out the window. And I've asked my DH to help me.....that I can feel myself sliding. And he does say a few positive words to me and make me feel like the next day will be a better day.....but then I come home and he says, "Let's not cook tonight.....let's go out and eat." And it starts all over again. When my willpower was in full force, eating out was not a problem. But here lately, it has been a total downfall for me.
Also, another thing that is affecting it is.....when I joined WW, I pre-paid. I paid $108.00 for 11 weeks. Well, my last week was last week and it was time to continue this week. And this little devil in my head keeps saying, "You've run out of weeks, take a week off and then start back next week."

And I know that's stupid and crazy.....but it's happening. I'm on a downward spiral, and I feel like I keep reaching out trying to grab hold of something.......of anything, that can keep me from totally going under. But everytime I grab ahold, I'm able to hang on for a few minutes, but then my hands start sliding and I fall another 100 feet or so. In the back of my mind, I keep telling myself that I've worked so hard and I just can't undo all the good I've done, but the strength of my willpower is so weak......it scares me so much. I have been down this road so many times. Losing 40-50 pounds (more or less) and then at some point, I just lose the strength.....the power........the "fire".....and then I go back to my old fat ways. Girls, I can't let this happen again. I can't give into all the old feelings. Even at 302 lbs, I have almost felt light. I have been able to breathe better, sleep better, feel better, move better.......live better. And now I'm starting to feel that old bloated, sick, fat and flabby feeling again. And truth be told, (and I haven't weighed, so I don't know for sure) but I don't think I've gained more than 5 pounds....if that. I don't know. Can you gain more than 5 lbs in a week? I am so stressed out. And to come on here and admit all these things makes me feel like a failure. And I know I shouldn't. I know you have all been where I have been and some of you still are. I know you are my friends and love me just the way I am. Yet even knowing all these things does not make me feel any better. And the fact that my family can eat anything they want and do.....right in front of me.....does not help a thing. (DH is sitting right behind me now eating pizza) And don't feel bad towards him and say that he should be more loving and supportive and not be eating that in front of me. He should. He does not have a weight problem anymore and he should not have to alter his life because of me. I want to be so strong that him eating pizza in front of me will not bother me. I want to be so strong that nothing will bother me. And even as I just typed all that, I just called him an insensitive pig and told him he shouldn't be eating pizza in front of me. See what I mean?? I'm going crazy I think.

Well, I guess I've strained your ears for long enough. I have to go now. I will be back. I will not leave you guys. I don't know what I will do when I get off the computer. I pray I will be strong. I pray I will not eat. For those of you that pray............pray for me. For strength......for my life. I do love you.

Just being able to talk to someone about my true feelings this week has made me feel a little better.