You've got me really thinking today, Robin. I should be working! I had a couple of more thoughts.

I did realize how much weight I was gaining, but I didnt want to expend the effort to eat right and exercise. After all, "there were just too many things going on in my life and I was stressed enough." What a load of baloney! When is life not stressful? There is always something to stress about if we let ourselves get stressed.

The other fact that slaps me in the face - I kept waiting for the magic weight loss diet....you know, the one that lets us eat anything we want, doesnt make us exercise and still lets us lose a lot of weight quickly? Also, I honestly do think I have some medical problems that contributed to my weight gain (I'm waiting on the test results now), so I kept trying to self diagnose myself and figured I would start dieting once I found the perfect diet for my situation...ie, menopause. Guess what I found out? Yep, there is no magic diet. So, I'm doing Southbeach as I've heard that it works well for menopausal women and for people with hypothryroid (which I dont even know for sure I have!) Yes, I lose slowly, but that is better than sitting on my duff and having a pity party. And I am losing and I feel better than I have in a long time. Thank God I decided to try again...and to do it now!

Great replies, I thank you all.

Suzanne, I kinda don't remember the drive, but I kinda do. And Meg as well, as far as the denial thing - I KNEW I was fat, I knew it. I knew I was fat a year ago, and five years ago and 20 years ago. I just CHOSE to IGNORE it. I didn't look good, I didn't feel good, I didn't act good (well).

Slim Lindy using food as a narcotic is definitely what I did and it was the best that I knew, or more like it - exactly like you said, that I was willing to know. And I am working hard to change that. I do know better now and I am WILLING to do better now. But old habits are hard to break, food is a strong and powerful drug to me. And I suppose I will struggle with it's denomic powers it holds over me for as long as I live. But I am gonna give it my all (finally) to keep the beast at bay. I just don't want to be fat and unfit and unhealthy anymore. I've been figuring out other ways to deal with life and all it's stresses.

Oh boy, this is heavy stuff. Thanks ladies.

I know I eat for comfort, pleasure and to fill a need. I think I will always have to be aware of this if I am going to get and keep the weight off. I truly think it is similar to alcohol or drugs. I love the buzz a couple of drinks gives me and in college I drank way too much. As I have gotten older I have controlled that impulse, but I think food has always been an acceptable alternative. Afterall we NEED to eat, right?

Anyway, may I suggest that you print and clip your post? Reading it may help when the going gets tough! Inspiration sometimes comes from the wake up calls we give ourselves. Hugs.

Kathy

I blame myself - I was in denial....but there was also laziness....and more denial...but today? There is a love of exercise, much more interest in eating healthier (a little edjumacation goes a looong way), and especially motivation to continue! Learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up over it. Ain't never goin' back!

Rockinrobin -- I think you are having a mid-weightloss crisis!! I've lost weight before and once the momentum and excitment kind of wore off, I just dwelled on how I got myself here to start with. It is so much easier to gain than to lose so I think it's easier to ignore the ups -- You would think when we need to buy up a size in clothes we would resist and work on it, but we don't! I've gone from a size 12 to a 20 without even noticing, okay I noticed but wasn't ready to work on it. The scales tell us one story, but our defenses dress us up and tell us "you look good". My biggest fear is, after I lose weight (and I will!!), everyone telling me how fat I was before and how good I look now -- which in turn gives me their opinion of me the last 12 years. I think we do so many things to protect ourselves -- overeating, binging, etc. that we've developed a protective barrier that somehow was telling us overweight was okay, as long as we took care of everyone and everything around us, our time would eventually come when everyone else was happy. I've decided I'm tired of trying to please everyone else at the expense of myself. We all have the inner strength to do this, we just need to finally take our time and put ourselves first. I know my whole family would benefit.

I love this thread, and it's just what I need today to keep going. Thanks for posting all your thoughts here -- I love love love all the people on this forum!!

I knew I was fat and chose to ignore it too, for the longest time. I always thought I'd eventually get around to dealing with it, but it never seemed to happen. That's how I am about everything in my life, it seems. I'll eventually get around to having a baby, I'll eventually get out of debt, I'll eventually go to grad school, I'll eventually get something published. Dealing with the weight problem and actually succeeding this time is making me realize what I need to do in all these other areas. If I can tackle a 110-pound loss (and I'm over halfway there), then I can do anything. And so can you, rockinrobin -- you've lost 81 pounds!! We just have to accept that we made mistakes in the past that led to us living in really unhealthy bodies, and then we have to move on and never make those mistakes again. We're definitely strong enough to do that -- look how far we've come!

Reading all this makes me feel not so all alone! It is as if you all have read my thoughts! One thing that I find is a bigger part of the battle....the fact that there is SOOOO much information out there as to what is the "right" way to eat until I just give up, saying, Who really DOES know!? I know I'm overweight but the stress of sorting through all the "what I should be doing to lose" information is overwhelming and I give up and go eat something to make the frustration go away. Silly, isn't it, how we do this? I'm thankful more and more every day for this site. I come here to remind myself again that #1 I'm not alone and #2 it really is do-able. Thanks to all of you for contributing to this forum. You are a silent lifeline for me. Now, I think my treadmill is calling. :-)

By the way, Robin, you are VERY inspiring to me. Don't let the blues keep you too long! You have something to be REALLY proud of. You could have kept doing what you were doing and been even bigger today! Instead, you chose to take control (which a lot of folks out there are not doing) and you are well on your way! Pat yourself on the back for me!

I agree, wholeheartedly Ritzy! I have been keeping up with this thread all day, and I find that each new response I read, I'm nodding my head saying "amen to that one", "I hear ya", and "been there done that"..... it's nuts, isn't it.... we are all in the same boat, but for so long, I felt so alone in my fattness.... like I was the only one who knew how being this fat felt. This forum is a HUGE blessing to me!

I just want to clarify, this is a topic I truly don't dwell on. It's just that today along with the happiness of hitting the 80 lb mark, came a kind of sadness that I had let myself get SO badly out of shape. There is no room in my life right now to dwell on the past. I am too much looking forward to the future!

LondonJulz, I know what you mean, my heads nodding away too!!!! It is so, so, incredible to meet up with people who know EXACTLY what you're going through!!! I feel so fortunate to have found this place.

LisaMarie, I forgot to respond to your post yesterday, please forgive me. your ONE reason - it's truly THE best reason in the world. I too feel a kinship with you., odd but it's THERE. And you're right, we are STRONG and yeah, WE'RE GONNA DO IT!!!!.

Shelby, that's funny how you put it - a mid-weightloss crisis. But I think that might just be what it was.

Chickinthehat, It's AMAZING how the healthy eating gene kicks in. What a blessing!!!!

Casey, Absolutely, FOOD was/is an acceptable alternative. It was DEFINITELY my "drug" of choice.

RitzyFritz, GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION. You are NOT alone and yes, this is DO-ABLE. Got it? Good.

I think that is okay to look back with sadness and even anger (briefy, like you did ) so that we learn from where we've been. Life lessons we can all benefit from!

Kathy

Robin, I agree with your last post -- you are always so perky, and I enjoy reading all your posts.......but everyone has a day here and there ......
I was told all my life how fat I was .... I'm 5'10" and remember being reamed out in front of dad when I hit 160. I would DIE to be at 160 now!!! And for many years I blamed that voice for never being able to be happy with myself. But at some point in time it was all in my hands.

I have some weird body issues, too. How many girls do you know who can have a baby and be at the same weight they started the pregnancy at? Never gained a pound - -- til 6 weeks later (20 pound gains). I was at 150 when baby 2 was born -- by baby 5, I was at 225 ..... and the years drifted by with me thinking nothing could be done

Tried WW -- lost 30 pounds one year, worked like a turk. Two weeks after I went off, I had gained 20 back. Tell me, does this make sense???????

Anyway, I'm glad (I'm sorry!!!) that others have the same challenges and needs. hope the rest of your day is amazingly wonderful!!!!!

Barbara

Wow, what a great topic Robin, and what great responses have been posted. I know I have felt the same regret that I didn't wake up and face the issue of my weight loss sooner. I wasn't emotionally ready or willing to face it until last fall.

I think putting on weight served a number of purposes that I now recognize as somewhat twisted. First, food is soothing - it is always there for you, no matter how crappy your day is, and we have been conditioned from a young age to see food as a reward. Second, being fat is a way to hide - no unwanted attention, and I was able to fade into the woodwork by hiding behind my fat. And as Meg says, never underestimate the power of denial. Of course I "knew" on some level that I had let my weight get out of control, but I managed to suppress those thoughts (often with a pint of Cherry Garcia) and let the days tick by without doing anything real to fix the problem.

While I wish I might have woken up to reality a bit sooner than I did, I also am grateful that I am finally facing this head on now - I still have a lot of years ahead of me, and I am looking forward to being healthier and happier than I have been for a long long time. It's good to reflect and learn from the past, but you also need to be careful not to obsess over things that can't be changed now. Rock on, Rockin Robin!

PS - have you read The Best Life by Oprah's guy -- Green, I think? He has some very challenging questions about the why's of why we eat......... Just read the first little bit.

WindyCityChick, ahhhh, the unwanted attention, I forgot about that one. Without getting into any detail, I think that could have definitely been a factor with me. And many other emotional reasons as well. And have I necessarily been "cured" of all these things, no. But unlike what some authorities think, I don't think you do have to be "cured" fully in order to lose the weight. There comes a time when you say "enough is enough" already. So this isn't perfect and that isn't perfect, this has happened to me and that has happened to me, tough you know what. Deal with it. No need to waste anymore time ruining your life. And really, I'm not obsessing over it. What's done is done. Better late then never as far as finally losing the weight. It could have been worse, I'm 43. Not 103.

MississippiMagnolia, I not only didn't gain any weight with my 3rd child, she'll be 15 on Wednesday. I LOST WEIGHT while pregnant with her. What was that all about? No, I haven't read bob greene's book, although I just saw a little bit of him on Oprah today.

Yup, Casey, life lessons. No matter what we go through, it brings us to who we are now.

I don't think any of us will ever be "cured", I think we just need to "educate" ourselves and prepare for the ups and downs of life, which is usually why we eat anyway. Back up plans, lots and lots of them to protect where we are going and how far we have come -- every challenge we overcome is a step closer to our goal, weight loss or not!!!