Lily what is it she wants you to do?
Yes your son should have a good talk with her, sort out whats going on in his head and possibly figure out their futures...and how they can move on,,,either together or apart. Better now then later...sure he should of thought of that a few weeks ago but *shrugs,,, it happens.
Sorry you are placed in the middle, lets hope they resolve this soon,,,
Seems everybody is talking except the two involved! Lilly don't let them make this bigger than it is. They are sucking you in!!! We have all gone through tough times and had to learn the hard way. I come from a very disfunctional family. I was thrown out the door at 18. Parents are either dead or in an institution (literally) Made the exact same mistake she's making and lived to not repeat it. My choices where to be self sufficient or dependent on my partner. I chose the latter. Its not your cross to bear or your son's. Its hers and whatever family loves her and is concerned. He will have to make difficult (and sometimes hurtful) decisions all his adult life.
He came over at 5 this morning. We had a long talk. He totally wants out of this relationship. He needs to tell her this. He went to his buddies to sleep. She is here now. I have talked my heart out to her. Trying not to offer much false hope. She is planning on going back to her Dad's tomorrow. His point is that he has never had a chance to make it on his own. He needs space. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself before he can take on the responsibility for someone else. I totally understand. I just want him to be honest with her. I don't want him hiding from her. Heck, he doesn't even have any of his own clothes or his vehicle, they are with her. He is wearing his buddies clothes. I hope they talk soon. I don't like being in the middle of this. I don't feel that I should have to tell her.
When I met my husband, his "ex stories" concerned me. He seemed to have a "white knight" complex. Since I didn't need rescuing, I wasn't sure it could work between us (either he would leave me for someone needier, or would insist on rescuing me when I didn't need it).
It did work out, but we had alot of work to do. He does try to save me from myself at times, because "helper" is so much of his personality, but it definitely can be more weakness than strength at times.
Women don't want men to stay around out of pity. You son may have been with her out of sympathy more than love, he was serving his needs not hers because he needed to be needed more than he needed to be loved as an equal.
A person can be selfishly unselfish, and sometimes they need to be called on it. Martyrdom usually serves the martyr more than their charity cases (and usually ends up harming them both).
Kaplods, that is such an insigtful post and hit's the nail right on the head. He has watched me as an RN helping people his whole life. My DH is a state trooper and is always the first to assist anyone that is in need , no matter the sacrifice he might be making. My son has learned this helping/rescuing behavior from us. The way we got in this whole situation was by feeling sorry for her. I am just as guilty. Her home life was horrible. While my son was at Basic Training we offered her a place to live. They had been dating for a long time and he would often say how worried he was about her. Now we are to the point in realising that his concern for her was more out of a sense of pity and obligation than true love. He is young and I know he wants to help her, but he is definitely not ready for this live-in situation. I feel partly responsible, after all I should have said "NO", she can't stay with us. I'm just too kind-hearted to have done this. Unfortunately he is the same way.
Compassion and love are such intertwined emotions they can be really hard to separate. Lopsided relationships so rarely nurture both parties, and sometimes you can see it coming (and "should know better"), but most of the time it's not easy to recongize that a relationship will be unbalanced until you're fairly deep into it. It's why it's easy for me to counsel from the sidelines, than to put it into practice. I wish you all the best in sorting this all out to everyone's best long term growth. It's not going to be easy.
Yikes! The two are so young! I couldn't even pick a CHINA pattern when I was their age! Relationships at this stage in their lives come and go - it's better that they find out NOW (even if it is just ONE of them who realizes it) that this isn't going to work.
As for you being in the middle of it, well, you are there to provide guidance and advice and love and support, but I'm not quite sure how it has come about that you are the negotiator in this particular relationship. They are old enough to live together and pay their own bills - they should be the ones -- the ONLY ones -- to sort out their personal lives. I don't understand why you are the mediator -- like another poster said, this is their lives and the only ones discussing this out loud should be the two involved. Could it be that you are co-dependent/really, really like being needed in this way, and have you confused this with being "kind-hearted"? Just a question to think about...Best of luck...
I absolutely don't think I am co-dependent. I wish to God that he would work this out and not involve me whatsoever. She called 6 times yesterday, then came over from 6PM to midnight. He showed up at 5 am and after me talking to him, She showed up. They are wearing me out and I want no part of it. She has now been here since 6AM and won't leave for fear he might come by and she miss him. I don't know what to do. I don't have the heart to tell her to leave. I have tried to make suggestions for her to wait at the apartment to talk to him but she isn't buying it. I don't want this crap and I dont' need it in my life. My DH is here and no help whatsoever. All he does is smile and say "honey, I'm sorry you are stressed". What I really want is my son to get his Butt over here and take care of his own problems. I have offered to take her back to her dad's but she won't budge. Note, she doesn't have a car of her own to get anywhere.
This is my take on it, of course take it or leave it... but I think your son is being unwittingly cruel to leave her out to dry. He needs to be mature and suck it up and talk to her. I absolutely sympathize with you and your being stressed, I sure would be!
But this is between him and her really, and he has made his choice, and needs to own up to it. Hiding out is not going to make it go away for him, and she will just get more and more depressed and desperate.
Really, an awful situation, but it will only get worse with more procrastinating.
Thats exactly what I was talking about! You made her feel good just because you know her and have been close to her sometime in life. Just like her , You need to talk to your son too!
When I met my husband, his "ex stories" concerned me. He seemed to have a "white knight" complex. Since I didn't need rescuing, I wasn't sure it could work between us (either he would leave me for someone needier, or would insist on rescuing me when I didn't need it).
It did work out, but we had alot of work to do. He does try to save me from myself at times, because "helper" is so much of his personality, but it definitely can be more weakness than strength at times.
Women don't want men to stay around out of pity. You son may have been with her out of sympathy more than love, he was serving his needs not hers because he needed to be needed more than he needed to be loved as an equal.
A person can be selfishly unselfish, and sometimes they need to be called on it. Martyrdom usually serves the martyr more than their charity cases (and usually ends up harming them both).
Kaplods, you told my story. Except I was the "savior" trying to save someone who, although he needed it and didn't realize it, didn't want to be "saved". I was a relationship-martyr, and still am to a point. And while sometimes that can be quite admirable and as some have called me "long suffering", usually I was the one who ended up being hurt. I AM codependant, brought about by years of living with my parents who had a volital sometimes violent relationship, and I became the peace maker. Once in that roll, it became a disease that nearly cost me my sanity in adult hood, that was only corrected after a near complete mental break down and almost cost me my life, and I finally got the help I needed. Professional help that is. I remember how devistated I was when I had my "epiphany" and realized that the biggest problems were mine, not those I was trying to "help". I had to completely bottom out, so to speak, before I realized that it's not my job to save the world, and make peace between everyone in my life. after coming to grips with this, it was actually easier. saving the world is a huge job, and knowing that it wasnt my job to do that, made life easier for me. and i began to like and accept myself anyway. Today, I am still codependant, like an alcoholic, you are never "cured", you can only maintain. It is work that will never end. but at least I now recognize the problem in myself. Thats the reason I think it is ultra important for her son to come completely clean with his GF. Anything less than that will give her false hope, and in the end she'll end up even more hurt, and take much longer to get over this and move on. I hope it goes well Lilly. They both deserve to be happy, with people they genuinly love and care about, not just feel sorry for.
as for her hanging out at your house to wait for him, you'll probably just have to exercise some tough love to her and tell her "no!". She's confused, hurt, and wondering what the heck is going on, but it is NOT your place to clear this up for her, and it is not your responsibility to give her a place to work this out. She has her own place. yes, it will hurt her, and for a while she may even "turn" on you. but eventually she will realize the position they've put you in, and respect you for it. Tell her to go home, and exercise that tough love with your son to. Like Birkshire said, he needs to suck it up, and do what needs to be done. the right thing, BELIEVE ME, is not always the easiest thing to do. but its time for him to grow up, and stop relying on you to pick up his pieces for him. You didnt begin this relationship, and you are not the one who needs to end it. Bless you all.
I feel that because this girl was apart of your life ( and your son's) I would be there for her. Let her vent and fall apart. Tell her that you are there to listen. I wouldn't encourage the chance they might get back together but I would be there to lend a shoulder to lean on. Also of course listen to your son and stay very neutral.
Two years ago at the age of 18, My daughter was in a very serious relationship with her bf. They were together for two years. The two families got together and even spent weekends at a beach house together. My daughter spent alot of time with his family as he did with ours. He very suddenly broke up with her via email. He never in person or verbally ( phone) spoke to her again. What makes me angry is the fact his mother never picked up my daughers calls or was there for her, just to ease the pain. I'm apauled at her behavior and feel she must have never felt deeply for my daughter. I on the other hand would have consoled her son and would have been there emotionally for him at a trying time.
Although she has emailed after this all happened ( the mother) I can never truely forgive her. I felt the loss as well as the families became close and I would have nevered treated her son in such a manner.
Good luck, stay neutral but be supportive.
Oh my goodness LILLYBELLE ~ This is a fine mess you have gotten yourself into I have been following this story since you first posted it. You have proven that you have the "rocks" to handle the situation.
You must remember ~ FOR THE FUTURE! ~ the old saying: "NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!
DH is staying out of it huh? Smart man!!
Without knowing the entire dynamics of the situation my "suggestion" would be to become her "friend" instead of the mom figure she so desires ~ get her some qualified help through counseling ~ leave most of the problem with the kids ~ they wanted to play HOUSE ~ now is the time to pay the BILLS! ~ I don't know who is liable for the rent but it is your sons problem not yours! time to grow up a little faster than he wanted.
If he doesn't want her, he shouldn't have to stay with her ~ but HE must provide for her UNTIL he can find her another suitable living arrangement ~ part of becoming a MAN!
If he does stay out of the situation be sure to warn her about BOOTY CALLS ~ guys know how easy it is to take advantage of a women when she is needy!
I would suggest also to try to get her into a Christian church in the area that has a large youth/college age movement going ~ friends in the making for her to help her re-focus her new life.
Good luck ~ I know you will get it figured out soon ~ but then what will you do with all that FREE TIME!
She just left here to go confront him at his buddies house. I didn't think it was a good idea, but at least this way she'll learn what is the truth. I didn't provide her any false hope, but didn't feel it was my place to tell her that he wanted to end it. She needs to hear it for herself. She has my cell phone, so I am sure she will come by here after talking to him. Interesting to know that his best buddy that he is staying with threw his GF out last night. She called here crying a few minutes ago. I think the 2 of them decided together that they wanted to "be single and have fun". Amy had planned to move back in with her dad. Now, she said "maybe me and Stacy can keep the apartment together and share expenses".
Latest update. She talked to him. He gave her the whole song and dance about needing some space and time to figure out what he really wants. She came back here crying. Jeremy's GF came over and her and Amy are talking. They decided to say "screw them" and go have fun. They are now putting on bikinis and heading to the pool at the apartment. Good for them, I think. I wouldn't wait on either of these men to decide if they wanted me or not. I'd be out having fun, not sitting home crying. Heck, they are 18 yrs. old and there are other fish in the sea. Why should they wait? I'm 46 yrs. old and I have been through several breakups in my life. This is a first for each of them. They will learn. He's my son and I love him dearly. But, if he doesn't know what he wants then he needs to let her go. Maybe someone else will be mature enough to know when they do want her and she will have the freedom to find that someone special. I have tried to be supportive for her and know she doesn't really have anyone to turn to. But the one thing I absolutely refused to do was break up with her for him. I think her decision to have fun is great and will help her get over this break-up. He needs to GROW UP and not be so easily influenced by his friend. He did offer to pay a downpayment for her on a car. I told her to take it. He has the money and will just waste it otherwise. She needs a car to be able to get to work. Right now she is driving his Jeep and he is driving his motorcycle. I might mention that she is 5'9 and 120 lbs. with long blonde hair. Very beautiful. I think this is all a decision he will live to regret. But, he too needs to live and learn. At least now she heard it from him and has the sense to say "no more tears". I am so thankful she is going back to the apartment with her friend to stay together and have fun instead of sitting over here crying and stressing me out. For goodness sake, he's 20 yrs. old and I can't and won't try to convince him to stay with her if his heart isn't in it. Truthfully, I think he doesn't have a clue what he wants.
I have been following this story since you first posted it. You have proven that you have the 
