I totally get this! My husband was always a "normal weight" and while I was getting more & more depressed and gaining more & more weight, his idea of being supportive while I was trying to lose wasn't making a healthy dinner at home for himself - it was ordering a pizza, but not offering any to me. UGH!
He just had no concept whatsoever of the struggle. He'd never been overweight, and he wasn't a binge-eater like me, and as many times I tried to explain, and he tried to understand, he just never "got it." He wanted me to be successful and happy, and he tried to be supportive - but even when I told him what I needed, it was hard for him because he just didn't get it.
I have no great advice, but it was helpful when I would give him specific examples (like the pizza thing, that really used to happen) as they happened.
I had to give him some slack, though, as the issues (in the end) were mine and not his. I had SO many triggers and some I didn't even know about, so how could I expect him to help me avoid them all? So I tried to pick my battles and focused on the "big ones" and that seemed to help. Much easier now, since he also got a little overweight and worked hard to lose 45 lbs a few years back - so now we work together to maintain.
I can really empathise with this, it is so hard when you are really trying but the rest of the family are eating very differently. In my case my children have a condition which means that they need high calorie foods and extra healthy fats. I like to cook their meals from scratch whenever I can. However, this means I'm spending ages cooking lovely rich dinners but then eating something different myself. My DH can seem to eat it all and not put weight on, but I certainly can't. Sometimes I can adapt what they are having for me, but sometimes that's not possible, and I often eat a completely different meal. I don't really like it, I'd much rather we all ate the same things together, but unfortunately that just doesn't work for me at the moment.
I find that it's easier if I make an effort to plan what I'm going to eat, as well as what they are going to have (less likely to be tempted/just eat the same thing out of laziness), try to keep my food interesting and varied, and keep some healthy treats in for me (so I don't feel so hard done by).
It would be so much easier if I could just get rid of all the triggering stuff, and not have it at home, but that's not possible, so I'm working on tactics to deal with it.
"Let's have some wine." (Wine is my kryptonite.) "You don't need to lose weight. You look great the way you are."
And then I tell him that I need to lose weight so I feel better about myself...
"Doesn't my opinion count? The only thing that should matter is how I feel about your looks."
And then when I give in about the wine but tell him I'm eating a frozen dinner to stay within my calories...
"Ew. Those things are disgusting. If you want something that actually tastes good just tell me and I'll make it for you."
I let him have it today. Sent him links to articles about spouse sabotaging diet. Told him I didn't feel supported. Explained that I don't appreciate him dangling treats (i.e. wine) in front of me just because HE wants them.
I know I am responsible for what I put in my own piehole, but I just wish he'd realize how his behavior can influence me. I want to be strong on my own, regardless of what he does, but it would be nice if he helped me out a bit with it.
Ugh! Hope he gets it this time! On the one hand, it's nice that he thinks you look great - but hopefully it'll sink in that what you think of yourself matters even more. Crossing my fingers that he finally sees the light!
OK, now based on what you just wrote I am going to put something out there that will p!ss you off. But I kinda mean it. But sorry nonetheless.
As you descried that last encounter, you absolutely had more control. He wasn't pushing you that hard and you could easily have said no. Indeed, you were in charge of what you put into your mouth!
I worry you are using your husband as an excuse. If he starts getting heavy (in the verbal, shouting, emotional sense), then that's a different matter. But he was just throwing out a few pleasantries and teases last time which is not on that level. You could have said no.
OK, now based on what you just wrote I am going to put something out there that will p!ss you off. But I kinda mean it. But sorry nonetheless.
As you descried that last encounter, you absolutely had more control. He wasn't pushing you that hard and you could easily have said no. Indeed, you were in charge of what you put into your mouth!
I worry you are using your husband as an excuse. If he starts getting heavy (in the verbal, shouting, emotional sense), then that's a different matter. But he was just throwing out a few pleasantries and teases last time which is not on that level. You could have said no.
I can see where you'd say that, based on what I'd written, but you didn't get the whole scene. Aside from some missing dialogue, I failed to include all the body language (the sighs, the eyerolls, the pouts, the hurt looks because I won't indulge with him). The pressure he puts on me is a guilt-trip because I won't share with him, not just pleasantries and teases.
That said, yes, I could have said "no." It would have resulted in him pouting through the night. He probably would have relented and eaten on-plan with me, but he would have done it with resentment that would have been displayed with the "click" of the TV on and no further conversation that night.
I hesitate to criticize him, though, simply because I know that he loves me. I know that this way of him acting as a lot more to do with his worry that we will lose the bonding experience of drinks/favorite foods. I know he's not happy that I'm going to bed early so I can wake up early to workout, and we no longer sit up at night with a glass of wine and talk. And I know he feels like HE's missing food.
I explained to him today that there are plenty of his favorite foods (hotdogs, grilled ham & cheese, chicken nuggets, ice cream... yes, he eats like a 6-year-old) that he can have any time he wants and it won't bother me (I don't like that stuff anyway). I told him that just because I'm dieting doesn't mean he has to.
I really get this. Mine isn't even really weight related but I told my husband last night before we went to bed that after my crazy sugar alchohol 4th of July weekend that took me days to recover from blood sugar wise, THIS WEEKEND I was going to severely limit my sugar, try to eat much more healthily in a way that makes me feel good. ( Ie more veggies, protein and no desserts)
So, what does he do? He goes to the store and brings home a big thing of premade cookie dough and he wants to make it tonight. He pouts and gets all upset that I don't want any. I reminded him what I told him last night and he said " Oh I thought you just meant you didn't want to drink this weekend." AAARRGH. He also brought home frozen Pizza. A food I specifically said I had too much of last weekend and it made me feel yucky. A pizza for us, we always share pizza.
I haven't decided what to do about the cookies yet. Maybe I will have just one with some protein to help my blood sugar. Anyway, its crazy but this happens all the time for me. I tell my dh that I am trying to cut down on sugar because it makes me feel bad and he will bring me home reeses. (my can't resist candy) It's weird.
I don't know what it is for your husband, but for mine I believe it's that he's resistant to change. He's happy now, he likes our life now, and he doesn't want it to be any different.
Also, he may be slightly worried other men will start checking me out. He has no reason to worry--I'm 41 years old and mom to 3 young kids!--but he worries anyway.
I only have about 15 pounds to lose and am already considered "normal" on the BMI scale, so it's not like losing more will make a huge difference in how I look.
Hmm mine is also very resistant to change. You might be onto something there. I know he loves me and just wants me to be happy. I know he sees the things we eat together as bonding also. Unfortunately, he too eats like a 6 year old.
He hasn't brought home cookie dough or sweets in weeks. Seriously I think its just because I said something last night. Im 39 and mom to 3 young kids so I hear you there! That is part of why I have been trying to change how I eat, I am getting older and I want to be healthy. I want to have energy to deal with the kids. I want to feel good and not get sugar headaches. I want my husband to be healthy too but he eats terribly.
I ended up eating one small cookie with milk while we sat together and then I went on my evening walk. I had a great walk and feel much better. I told him no cookies for me tomorrow since I had my sugar for the weekend and he seemed ok with that.
Last edited by Pinkhippie; 07-10-2015 at 09:23 PM.
How has it been going banananutmuffin? This morning while I was a little cranky I sat down with my husband and explained to him exactly how bad a lot of sugar and refined flour makes me feel. I think he really got it this time as he then started berating himself and saying I wouldn't have these blood sugar problems if I wasn't with him and ate more terribly than I ever had. ( this might be partly true as my ex husband and I didn't eat any refined sugar because of his blood sugar issues and before that, my parents raised me with no sugar ever. )
Anyway, I talked about what I needed to eat and how I needed to eat in order to feel good and I think he has a better understanding now. I hope things are going better with your husband!
I'm really glad to hear that your talk with your husband helped things out, pinkhippie! That's fantastic news.
Who knows? Maybe all these guys need is just a strong reminder sometimes about how food affects our health.
My hubby is trying his best to be supportive. But I usually loosen up a bit on weekends--not a lot, but enough to avoid feelings of deprivation--so the real test will be when I tighten things up this week. I think this week he'll be okay about it.
Who knows? Maybe all these guys need is just a strong reminder sometimes about how food affects our health.
This is a really interesting observation. I know I'm generalizing here - but it can sometimes seem that husbands/partners view the "diet" as something to change appearances. And for them, the appearances are ok - so what's the big deal if you go off the diet from time to time.
When it becomes about our health and how foods actually make you feel, that seems to elicit a different response.
Am I looking at this wrong?
I think I'm lucky. For me, the food changes have mostly been about my health and my hubby is aware of that. He's pretty respectful about what I eat. Since we've both been working on improving our eating, when we decide to splurge it's usually something we jointly agree on and plan in advance.
I'm really glad to hear that your talk with your husband helped things out, pinkhippie! That's fantastic news.
Who knows? Maybe all these guys need is just a strong reminder sometimes about how food affects our health.
My hubby is trying his best to be supportive. But I usually loosen up a bit on weekends--not a lot, but enough to avoid feelings of deprivation--so the real test will be when I tighten things up this week. I think this week he'll be okay about it.
Thanks! I hope things are going ok for you this week.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vickie Chickie
This is a really interesting observation. I know I'm generalizing here - but it can sometimes seem that husbands/partners view the "diet" as something to change appearances. And for them, the appearances are ok - so what's the big deal if you go off the diet from time to time.
When it becomes about our health and how foods actually make you feel, that seems to elicit a different response.
Am I looking at this wrong?
I think I'm lucky. For me, the food changes have mostly been about my health and my hubby is aware of that. He's pretty respectful about what I eat. Since we've both been working on improving our eating, when we decide to splurge it's usually something we jointly agree on and plan in advance.
That s great your husband is so supportive and that you are both working on improving your eating at the same time. It is nice to have a healthy eating buddy.
I think it does make more of an impact when its about health. I know my husband always says he loves how I look and even acts a little alarmed when I lose weight. He comes to me and says that Im shrinking. I am also in a "normal" BMI. But, my health and how I feel is very important to him. He wants me around as long as possible and he wants me to feel good. So, maybe health is the way to approach it.
