I completely understand how you feel in your original post. It is a very human response. When I have had that experience, I first feel those same feelings but then I realize that I feel sad or angry about the whole situation and wish the relationship had been better with the other person. That could be part of what you are experiencing.
You have done an amazing job in your weight loss! Please know that your success inspires me to keep going.
Anyway, as a 2 year maintainer, along with being in a family that does have weight issues. LOTS OF THEM!
I arrived at a family gathering in September. My Mom, made it a point to tell me that a 4th or 5th cousin or whatever, had lost 80 pounds and looked great! Good for him. I truly am glad for him.
She actually hollered at him, had him come over, and made the whole thing a big deal! Ok, I can roll with this. The guy does look good. And like I said, I'm happy for him. (next year, he will have gained it all back, then the next year will lose it, been there seen it). Believe me, I've been up and down that road as well.
Anyway, Mom, never said one word about the fact that I've lost 57 pounds and kept it off for 2 years!
*deep sigh*
Family is what it is. I love them. But sometimes, we're better off to shut off the noise, and go our own way. Shutting off the noise, does not mean shutting off the family, just the noise!
You shouldn't regret this post, actually I'm sure many people can relate.
Jealousy is a tough issue to tackle; as others have said is a toxic emotion but no one is immune to it. Everyone gets jealous, whether they want to admit it or not... and sometimes you can be jealous of people you really care about. Unfortunately, it breeds other emotions in people such as resentment, bitterness, and sometimes hatred toward other people, and those feelings can destroy relationships with people you care about. I realize that your relationship with your cousins is far more complex than you can fit into a single thread post, so none of us are in a position to really understand the relationship. However, what I can say from experience is that you should avoid turning this problem into "motivation" to lose weight. Ask yourself... would you really feel happy about your weight loss just because it makes Jane angry and frustrated with her own body? Especially knowing the struggles that go along with that?
I haven't had any family members give me any hassle for my weight loss, but I do have a best friend who started her journey a little after I started mine. I raved how well Weight Watchers was working for me so she joined soon after. I was happy to have someone to rant/celebrate with but she had some family drama pop up and it derailed her. I went to visit her back in September and by that time I had lost 50 lbs since she last saw me. She had unfortunately gained back everything she had lost and looked the same. We went shopping together at our favorite store, but it was evident that we couldn't swap clothes in the dressing room like we used to. I tried on this cute dress (first time I've worn a dress in YEARS because they never look good on me) but I needed a smaller size, and when she had asked me what size I was (I think we both had be avoiding bringing it up) I told her and she swiftly replied, "I hate you." and giggled a bit after that and walked off to find me a dress in that size.
It took me aback... I didn't know how to reply to her. I knew she was joking she didn't really hate me, but jealousy can make you do things like that. Now I could have gotten upset and exacerbated the problem by painting myself as the victim in all of this. How dare she not be happy for me! ...but I understand that comment came from a place of jealousy, hurt, disappointment, frustration with herself. I've been there, I know what it feels like too. Me adding fuel to the fire and retaliate by doing things/saying things/posting things/etc to make my success more evident to her isn't going to help her, and it would be cruel of me to do so and then be happy when she lashes out in anger. This is not to say you cannot celebrate your victories, do so you've earned it! ...but don't turn those celebrations into disguised retaliations.
FYI, my friend and I are very close. I decided after the shopping trip to encourage her again. After all positive reinforcement and encouragement is 1000000X more effective than getting angry and jealous enough to do something. Maybe if you reach out to Jane and offer your support, that might make her let go of some of that hostility and join you. ...and hey if she doesn't, let her be on her way! You continue to do what you need to do, and I would strongly recommend blocking her comments and not feeding into the drama by inspecting everything she posts to see if they are somehow directed toward you. Just get out there, lose weight for you, and be happy for you.
Since my weight loss I've had friends who've noticed and commented and been happy for me, then there are the others who don't say a thing, won't comment on a new pic I've posted on fb etc. Your post validated my suspicions. Some people are jealous, maybe because our weight loss makes them feel bad about themselves. It's just a shame friends and family can't be more supportive.
Some people are jealous, maybe because our weight loss makes them feel bad about themselves.
That's been pretty obvious in my experience. The few people who haven't said nice things about my weight loss are overweight themselves -- and unhappy about it. Although I'm generally quick to take offense, in these situations I've been able to let their pregnant silences roll off my back -- perhaps because I've experienced corrosive jealousy myself and understand the impulse.
Since my weight loss I've had friends who've noticed and commented and been happy for me, then there are the others who don't say a thing, won't comment on a new pic I've posted on fb etc. Your post validated my suspicions. Some people are jealous, maybe because our weight loss makes them feel bad about themselves. It's just a shame friends and family can't be more supportive.
I know this thread hasn't seen any new posts in over a week, hopefully it's okay that I chime in! Someone let me know if it isn't, okay?
Anyway, I'd like to share my perspective. It's relevant in regards to both the post I quoted and the original post. I am not the type of person to EVER comment on someone's weight, whether they've lost, gained, whatever. I don't talk about people's weight with other people, either. It's most certainly not because I'm jealous! It's because I personally feel embarrassed if anyone comments on my weight loss. Even if it's phrased in a very positive manner, it's still really uncomfortable for me. To me, when someone says "Wow, have you lost weight? You look great!" it kind of means, "You were so fat and ugly before, looking at you is not as painful now!". Of course I don't think that's what they're trying to say and they mean it as a genuine compliment, it just takes me off guard. If all goes according to plan, I will be losing a fair amount of weight and I really am not looking forward to the comments, even if they're nice ones.
The last thing I want to do is make someone else feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, so I don't mention weight loss to others. The whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing. It makes me sad to think others may think I'm jealous or wish them ill, that's SO far from the truth. It hadn't even occurred to me that people could take my silence as being negative. I just don't want them to feel embarrassed and weight is such a sensitive subject for so many people. Of course, my eyes have now been opened, but I just wanted to share my point of view in the hopes that people won't go around ascribing negative emotions and sinister motives to people unnecessarily. Surely some non-commenters are jealous, but not all of us are. Some of us are just trying to be nice and loving
Last edited by HuggerBunny; 10-31-2013 at 03:57 AM.
I can't emphasize enough about killing with kindness
My sister was, in the past, jealous of me. I was always the skinny one except for a brief year in college which brought me to this loss journey. But overall, I've not had the struggles that she has, and she's about 100lbs heavier than me.
Being younger (she was 16 when I lost my weight), it was hard. And she was mean. But she was my sister, so I never said a word and just smiled. It took YEARS but she finally learned that I wasn't going to get negative about it, and her negativity dropped off. We are now fantastic friends, despite being at opposite ends of the journey. We were never friends growing up until now at 24 and 30 years old.
Be positive and it will come back. Eventually there will be nothing for people to pick on.
When it comes to weightloss-related attention, I think we're often inclined to create a no-win situation in which we're conditioned to assume the worst of people.
No matter how or if you react to someone's weight loss, there's a good chance you'll be considered or accused of being jealous.
Don't react because the subject makes you uncomfortable? You're just jealous.
Don't react because you believe weightloss a private matter that is inappropriate to discuss publically? You're just jealous.
Don't react because you believe what a person weighs is no one's gd business? You're just jealous.
Don't react because you aren't paying attention to anyone's weight but (or including) you're own? You're just jealous.
Give praise and positive attention, but not enough, too much, or not of the perfect tone or type and you're just jealous, insincere, or even cruel.
I think a lot of us are inclined to keep our noses out of other people's weight loss, either because we're so proccupied with our own weight or because we've been "burned" too many times to know how to respond without risking negative backlash.
I think the "jealous" label is too easily applied, and even when it's true doesn't matter as much as we think it does. There's a good chance that even the most jealous friend or family member is also happy for you too, they just don't know how to express their positive feelings without revealing or exposing their negative ones.
Why does no one ever say or talk about thinking "It must be hard for them to watch me get all this praise for weight loss while they're trying and failing?" Or "It sure must be tiresome to see weight loss praised and rewarded while their accomplishments go unrecognised?" Or even "Why should anyone care about my weight loss, would I expect them to praise me for brushing my teeth or weeding my garden or getting a pap smear?"
I just think there are an infinite number of possibilities other than jealousy and that even jealousy itself doesn't need to be judged so harshly. So what if someone is jealous of our weight loss, our love life, our career or our sweet stockpile of Star Wars collectibles?
I'm going to weigh in for the desperately unobservant here. I was recently berated by a neighbour for not congratulating her on her advanced pregnancy, she was a couple of weeks overdue and feeling tetchy and I simply hadn't noticed.
Earlier in the year my housemate wanted me to help her put bags of clothes into the attic, while we were putting away the clothes, I asked why she wasn't wearing them anymore and she announced, again in a not overly friendly way, that she's put on 30lbs.
I posted something similar here a few weeks ago. I'd link to it, but even after many years on 3FC, I dont know how to do that. I got a lot of good replies, some people gave you similar advice, while others gave you a more supportive reply than I recieved...
Anyway, I took from that post that my cousin and I were pitted into competition by adult family members, and that we were missing out on what could be a very supportive friendship, working towards common goal (weightloss and running). I've tried to put any competition aside, although I cant force my cousin to do the same, once I removed it from my mind, I no longer felt slighted when she "went there". I reached out to her to do WW with me, and she was actually on a break from it, but me joining prompted her to go back asap. I could have keep it secret and lost more weight while she stayed the same, but why? Is that something she does to me? Yes, but I decide thats not who I want to be. Also
I planned on reaching out to her today about keeping eachother accountable for getting in our workouts, something I know she strugges with too. I want us to work together.
I know you can't change your cousin's mind, as I cant change mine. So my cousin will still look at it as "I gotta be better than GlamourGirl"...probably (and my cousin calls me by my name, not GlamourGirl lol) but *I* don't care anymore. And it feels good to have let go of that. I credit getting it out here on 3FC that got me really thinking about what was a life long competition with my cousin, and deciding to let it go.
On a side note, A great saying I've heard: Insecurities are loud, but confidence is quiet.
I think a lot of us are inclined to keep our noses out of other people's weight loss, either because we're so proccupied with our own weight
I think this is the most true. Although we often worry about other peoples opinions, most people don't care what we are up to, they have their own things to think about.
Also in regards to the original post, (sorry if this comes across as negative) I hope you didn't post the graphic of the "real men love whoever they want" to be directed at your cousin. Her response was immature for sure, but it would also be immature to post a passive aggressive picture (if that was the intention). If I don't like what people have up on facebook, I just delete them, family or not. I see you limited their access but why keep them at all if you feel they're toxic.
I'm going to weigh in for the desperately unobservant here.
Thank you, I'm often the same way! I've hurt feelings because I haven't noticed that someone changed their hair or lost weight, etc. It's not always intention, some of us are just a bit oblivious.
I just think there are an infinite number of possibilities other than jealousy and that even jealousy itself doesn't need to be judged so harshly. So what if someone is jealous of our weight loss, our love life, our career or our sweet stockpile of Star Wars collectibles?
HAHAHAHA! I think my husband would LOVE it if someone was jealous of his Star Wars collectibles!! Then he would say to me "I told you they are worth keeping." As it is, NO ONE is jealous of them and I am right to want them gone from my house!
HAHAHAHA! I think my husband would LOVE it if someone was jealous of his Star Wars collectibles!! Then he would say to me "I told you they are worth keeping." As it is, NO ONE is jealous of them and I am right to want them gone from my house!
Hubby and I have the opposite situation. He doesn't want me to know how much his various collectibles are "worth" (ebay prices) for fear I would persuade him we need the money more than the dust collectors.
Of course I would never ask him to get rid of anything he wanted to keep (if only because he might then feel justified in questioning my collectibles).
We're both toy and game collectors, so our house looks more like a toyshop or a playhouse than the typical 40-something couple's home.
On the wall by the front door, we have three stuffed toy bear heads hung on the wall like taxidermy mounts (I made baby bear myself from a Goodwill teddy). They're displayed with a "wanted poster" for Goldilocks. I want to get a bib for Baby bear and pearls or a scarf for Momma bear. Papa bear is already wearing one of hubby's tweed porkpie hats (from another collection of his).
When it comes to weightloss-related attention, I think we're often inclined to create a no-win situation in which we're conditioned to assume the worst of people.
No matter how or if you react to someone's weight loss, there's a good chance you'll be considered or accused of being jealous.
Don't react because the subject makes you uncomfortable? You're just jealous.
Don't react because you believe weightloss a private matter that is inappropriate to discuss publically? You're just jealous.
Don't react because you believe what a person weighs is no one's gd business? You're just jealous.
Don't react because you aren't paying attention to anyone's weight but (or including) you're own? You're just jealous.
Kaplods, you are much more articulate than I am! All 4 of these are reasons why I don't mention people's weight loss. If they flat out asked me how I think they look, of course I'd smile and say they look wonderful because clearly they're looking for praise and I'm happy to provide it, but I would not just offer it up.
Someone else (sorry, didn't see who it was) mentioned not noticing a neighbor's pregnancy. I also don't comment on pregnancies ever unless the person is a friend, and even then I try not to do it excessively. The reason for this is that from what I have heard, pregnant women get asked the same questions over and over about their pregnancy and the baby and it can get irritating. I don't want to irritate them, and if the pregnant person isn't someone I know well, their pregnancy is none of my business! If it's someone I do know, I simply want to show that I still see them as a unique individual in addition to being a person expecting a baby. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I love babies and children and am always thrilled when they have a baby, all my friends' and relatives' babies get hand crocheted booties and hats and specially chosen stuffed animals when they're born.
