i used to have people in my life like that-
those who downgrade others to make themselves feel better
(mind you, these are mostly high school girls i'm talking about.)
i've learned two things: if they make you happy, keep them close.
if they don't, move on to new friends.
my "friends" were stuck in a rut with lack of self-confidence,
spitefulness, and immaturity. i quickly realized these were
not the people i wanted to associate myself with, and since
then i've lost many high school "friends" who aren't over the drama.
some were very close and that hurt a little. but i believe
today that pushing them away was the right thing to do.
it made me a better AND happier person.
don't put all your time and effort into someone who's
being spiteful. just something to think about.
The person in question needs professional help, in my humble opinion. She's blaming everyone else for the way she really feels about herself, and she's damaging to be around it sounds like. It's sad, but she shouldn't subject others, and her closest to that kind of attitude and cruel insults because she is really insecure. Many people find that it is hard to change their outlook on people in that way because they have to realize that it's their problem and take ownership of it. If you are the one with the bad attitude, not everyone else with a problem, you can change that! That's a hard thing to do, but so worth it. I am sorry your friend doesn't see this.
Last edited by fatferretfanatic; 12-20-2011 at 08:45 PM.
I know how your friend feels a little. I'm a bit bitter, prone to jealousy (but not that extreme), and very insecure person. I try my hardest to be polite and nice to the few friends I do have, but I feel depressed a lot, and it just kind of shoves them away. Most of my friends have ended up ditching me, and It's very sad. I suggest you broach the subject delicately (at least at first), and see how that works out. There's probably a lot of depression under her jealousy and insecurities. You shouldn't just throw her away, because I'll bet most of her other "friends" have or will do that, and then she won't have anybody. Some people can't help feeling this way. Sometimes they need help "Bettering" themselves, and sometimes they also need to know that someone truly cares.
Last edited by 3FCer344892; 12-20-2011 at 10:20 PM.
If I came across anyone like that in my life, they wouldn't be in my life long. YOU need to ask YOURSELF why you are this person's friend. It sounds like she is toxic.
I think we might have the same friend. A girlfriend of mine does the same types of things you're describing. She sabotages my weight loss efforts, constantly complains about how other people look, moans about how men are all *******s and doesn't take any responsibility for herself. She'll even say rude things about me in front of other people, for example one day at the beach with a group of friends she asked me how I managed to get so fat without having any stretch marks.
I've distanced myself from this person because I don't need any additional negativity in my life. Anyone who wants to make me feel worse can get behind me in line. I have my own battles to fight.
No need to conflate the entire sex with your friend. That's a cheap shot.
And when your thread title is about WOMEN, not people, you're asking about women, not people. You know?
ok i dont know if its my bad english but im not getting how ppl are confusing me saying 'women' with me saying 'all women'. i never said all women, im asking if any one knows other women that judge and put down and are jealous of other women, it coiuld easily apply to men against other men but because im a woman i obviously have more connection to the female side of this jealousy problem. i never said all women, the thread title does not say not all women, it says women, 'women' could refer to more than one as it is plural form of woman but does not mean all women inclusively. O.o theres even a question mark marking this as a question , im sorry if i confused or offended anyone, but i have stated what i meant by it already in the thread, my english isn't the best so i tend to simplify things such as titles but if you read what ive already stated in the thread to the first confused person you would see im not generalizing or lumping all women together
ive tried to change it so ppl don't get confused or what not but i dont know how, but my explanation should be enough.
Last edited by CherryQuinn; 12-20-2011 at 11:25 PM.
I was wondering if she could be a closet case as well. The only women I've ever known who talk about ripping the underwear off other women are talking about wanting to have sex with other women. Either way, her possibly confused sexuality is not your problem. She's a highly negative person and sounds like a rotten friend. If you need to stay civil for the sake of the band, then I'd suggest cutting her off the next time she goes on one of her rants by saying something like, "I'm really fed up with hearing you make nasty remarks about other women." Or perhaps a lighter, jokier version, but you definitely need to make it clear that you will not listen to this any longer.
I was wondering if she could be a closet case as well. The only women I've ever known who talk about ripping the underwear off other women are talking about wanting to have sex with other women. Either way, her possibly confused sexuality is not your problem. She's a highly negative person and sounds like a rotten friend. If you need to stay civil for the sake of the band, then I'd suggest cutting her off the next time she goes on one of her rants by saying something like, "I'm really fed up with hearing you make nasty remarks about other women." Or perhaps a lighter, jokier version, but you definitely need to make it clear that you will not listen to this any longer.
For the record I also thought the same thing--IMMEDIATELY.
Also, for the record--because 3FC is vastly, vastly women posters, I see nothing wrong with OP's intentions. I have also NEVER had a jealousy or resentment issue with a man regarding my appearance. So yeah, OP. I get it.
This is exactly it. She's blaming her singleness on these silly physical things as an excuse not to take a good hard look at why she's REALLY alone. Have you ever told her to stop feeling sorry for herself?
That sounds mean, but sometimes people like this need a good hard reality check.
Exactly. I generally try to take the sweet, gentle road with people, but individuals like your friend not only make themselves miserable, but everyone around them. Toxic inside and out.
Tell her the truth - that what she says hurts your feeling and is offensive and that bitter, angry people aren't attractive no MATTER their looks, because it sounds like she needs to hear it. There's a lot of unattractive but blissfully happy, sweet people out there. And some gorgeous train wrecks who end up miserable and alone. Nobody is conspiring more against your friend's happiness than she is, herself.
Drummer or no, the kindest thing you can do for her is be honest. Faithful are the wounds of a friend - because you have known her forever and love her she should know, above most others, that you have her best interests in mind with your honesty. At this point, with a history like hers, either seperate from her or tell her the truth, for your sake!
thanks guys. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. the next time she says something crazy ill confront her on it. as for her being in the closet, shes not so much in the closet as 'bi-curious' at least thats what she claims she is. i know a lot of guys shes persued in the past have told me they were turned off by her snide remarks about other girls and felt she needed to lighten up.
As others have said, toxic is definitely a good word for her.
But to answer your question, yes I've known women who are jealous like that. Although I don't know if it's so much jealousy as it insecurity, and they find it easier to drag people down to their level than to step things up for themselves. I can't say that I've never been that person. I've definitely had my insecurities and I've been jealous of friends. I don't think it's been as extreme as what you described, but I do think it's common.
thanks guys. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. the next time she says something crazy ill confront her on it. as for her being in the closet, shes not so much in the closet as 'bi-curious' at least thats what she claims she is. i know a lot of guys shes persued in the past have told me they were turned off by her snide remarks about other girls and felt she needed to lighten up.
For what it's worth, the girls I knew that were "bi-curious" were those in high school and were doing it mostly for shock value and to get guys. Once you hit your adulthood, it seems that those who are "bi-curious" are those who are confused, truly, about their sexual identity or those who are actually gay. Not saying that it means she's definitely gay, or definitely straight, but it sounds like she's definitely confused.
If she does know her sexual identity, then I'd say her comments are made from an extremely insecure individual that needs help; probably more help than you can offer.
Rainbowgirl - I'm not sure where bisexuals fit into your model, but I must say that I didn't come out as "bicurious", I came out as bisexual. And before I came out, I knew I was bisexual, I just kept quiet about it. Making horrible remarks about any gender was never part of it. I completely understand dithering over working out your sexual orientation, I did so myself, but I find "bicurious" to be an suspiciously flippant way of referring to it. I have known some people have an easier time of coming out than others, but no one ever found it to be a joke. And this flippancy can be plain old immaturity, but it can also arise from contempt for others or for yourself.
Rainbowgirl - I'm not sure where bisexuals fit into your model, but I must say that I didn't come out as "bicurious", I came out as bisexual. And before I came out, I knew I was bisexual, I just kept quiet about it. Making horrible remarks about any gender was never part of it. I completely understand dithering over working out your sexual orientation, I did so myself, but I find "bicurious" to be an suspiciously flippant way of referring to it. I have known some people have an easier time of coming out than others, but no one ever found it to be a joke. And this flippancy can be plain old immaturity, but it can also arise from contempt for others or for yourself.
I used quotations because that is what they called themselves when/where I was growing up. It got old really fast to hear x-number of girls throughout the day telling their crushes "I'm bi-curious" which was more-or-less code for "I'll have a 3-some if you'll like me." Many who continued to use the "bi-curious" comment after highschool, have in fact turned out to be (and this is from my limited experience with friends and certainly not a scientific fact) gay. A few were bisexual, others realize they were strictly heterosexual.
I pride myself on being one of the least judgmental people in regards to sexuality, so I'm a bit confused on how exactly to take your comments to me. I did not mean my post in any way to be flippant or immature. It was an explanation of what I have found to be the general case in my distinct experience and may or may not reflect what happens elsewhere.
I agree the OP's choice of title - From what I've seen I feel most guys can be competitive but not 'jealous' of one another in the same way many women can be of each other.
