[Ookpik]

I find, being single and childless, that I get a lot of the "oh, you have all this time for (add activity)" and it drives me nuts! A few of my coworkers attribute that to my being able to lose weight...because I don't have a husband and kids to take up my time (lots of time for exercise, no one else to cook for), even though I have two jobs (one full-time, one part-time) and live alone and have a house to keep up like they do.

[kaplods]

I think every one of us has put our foot in our mouth unintentionally, at some point. Sometimes we realize it right away (and either apologize or hope the other person doesn't notice or cuts us a break), and sometimes we don't even realize how rude it sounds until someone else points it out.

"What do you mean, you don't have or know how to use an alarm clock!?" said in a shocked and uncomprehending voice, really isn't a lot different than "Don't you have anything/anyone more important to spend your time on?" or any of the other variations. Sure it could be said dripping with hostility and sarcasm, but it also could be just another example of someone saying what they think, before realizing how it could be interpreted.

I'm definitely a person who doesn't always do very well at the self-editing. Heck, I talk so fast (I'm sure you're all shocked), that I'm usually a couple paragraphs down the road, before I realize that something I said could be taken in a way I didn't intend it. In fact, it's usually the shocked and/or offended look on the person's face that makes me realize my foot is not only in my mouth, I probably swallowed it. And sometimes I'm not even sure what it was, and all I can say is "I said something incredibly stupid, didn't I?"

[JulieJ08]

It's always hard to find the balance between being understanding of the human foibles we all share, and not being a doormat for rude people. I don't think it does anyone a favor to pretend people aren't being rude when they are. Lately, I resent spending energy trying to understand and be nice to people who aren't doing the same. I think so many people are unintentionally rude because they get no feedback that they are doing it. The blank looks you get when they see that they've offended you are such a sad comment on the society we live in. IMO. Not only is the rudeness unintentional, they can't even see it when it's pointed out.

[kaplods]

But see that assumes that rudeness or politeness IS an objective standard. It was once considered extremely rude for an adult to address another adult who wasn't a close friend by their first name. For casual aquaintences, only children, servants, and those of lower social status could be addressed by their first name. That didn't change overnight, but gradually (and a lot of people were offended in the process).

In a sense, rudeness is as much in the "eye of the receiver" as it is in the giver.

Because we're a society of many mixed cultures, the "rules" can vary tremendously from group to group. There is no way to avoid offending everyone, because the rules not only change with time, they change from situation to situation, and subculture to subculture. The more rigid a group is regarding social protocols, the less open they are to diversity within the group.

In some groups looking a person in the eye when they're speaking is a sign of respect - in others it is a sign of deep disrespect.

I wish we lived in a society in which talking openly and honestly about health, exercise, weight loss and age - were not taboo. I'm tired of the social rules that go to ridiculous lengths to avoid talking about what probably would do many of us a lot of good talking about. For example, I was speaking with a friend and coworker several years ago, and we were talking about clothes, I think. I said something about it being terribly difficult to find a particular kind of clothing, being fat. The friend (without thinking) because it's "polite" to do so, responded, "you're not fat."

It was extremely "rude" of me not to take the "compliment" in the spirit in which it was given, but I couldn't resist. I started laughing uncontrollably, I'm sorry but it was terribly ridiculous. On what planet is nearly 400 lbs, "not fat?" I embarassed her deeply, and I'm not that regretful. I regret that she was hurt, but I think we both learned something from the experience. I didn't really mean to hurt her feelings, and I suppose it was very rude, but darn it, it was funny. My friend turned extremely red, and slightly annoyed snapped "you know what I mean." And sadly, I did. "Fat," is something so terrible in this culture, that an intelligent, kind, fun-to-be-with person could not possibly be fat, she had to be something else.

I don't believe anyone is obligated to keep silent when they are offended. Regardless of how a comment is intended, there's no reason a person needs to pretend they appreciate unwelcome comments or questions. But anger, begets anger, and is usually not necessary (and often not effective). Humor and/or direct communication generally often work much better in my experience.

Even when someone is being INTENTIONALLY rude, humor works amazingly well. I've had the catcalls "hey fatso" or some other rude comment - and what always shuts up these geniuses is being laughed at. Not only laughing, but in condescending cheerfulness, replying "Yeah I'm fat, you must be a genius to have figured that out all by yourself."

Above all, I believe in never being a doormat. There's never a reason to feel it's ok to be treated poorly. Standing up for yourself and being confident are not incompatible with compassion. You respond directly. If you're offended, say you're offended, and if you do so in a "tolerant" tone, (no guarantee), but people tend to respond in a more positive way than they would to anger (in which case they tend to become defensive or see you as the rude one - which doesn't have to be your concern, but for the sake of effective communication is often worth considering).