I have this all or nothing mentality, always have, especially about weight. My mom and sister always point it out, and if I'm going strong on something, they always say, "be careful, don't be too strict on yourself or you know - you know how you are with the all or nothing thing". In fact, they kinda think I'm in that right now.
We went to lunch the other day and they wanted to stop at Cheesecake Factory for dessert to go afterwards. I had enjoyed a very moderate but enjoyable lunch, and really wasn't feeling the need. I mean, cheesecake is delish, but I wasn't "white knuckling" it. My mom kept saying, you know, they say 3 bites of dessert is the way to go to get satisfied. Why not just have 3 bites? I explained that really, I am pretty satisfied right now, and I have just found that it's easier to say no to the first bite than the 4th. So why go there if I'm not dying for it? I have in no way, shape or form told myself that cheesecake will never touch these lips again, I'm just not particularly craving desserts right now.
They dropped the subject and enjoyed their dessert, and I was perfectly fine with it. My thoughts are that I'm really not being all or nothing about it, but if I'm going to be having dessert, it's going to be a special occasion that I've given some thought to, not just a random cheesecake run.
Sorry to go on about myself on your thread, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I need to make sure I don't crash and burn like I always have. I honestly don't think I am, but I gotta keep an eye on it! BTW, I'm thinking I'll have a couple mini chocolates on trick or treat night!
I've struggled with all or nothing thinking for such a long time. So many of us do. It was the reason I gave up so many times before. I was either all in (working out 2-3 hours a day, eating perfectly on plan without any off plan foods) or I was all out (completely sedentary eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it). There was absolutely no in between. When I found weight loss to be too difficult, and it was with as difficult as I made it, I simply gave up.
Then one I day I decided I didn't have to be all in or all out. There was middle ground. I made a promise to myself that if I found this was getting too difficult, it was ok to just back off. I did not have to quit entirely.
I've found a good middle ground with exercise. I can push as hard as I want to, but I can also fall back on my basic, which is spinning 3 days a week and lifting 2 days a week. I can be perfect with my diet, but it's ok if I have birthday cake too.
I think the "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to dieting is more a social construct than an internally generated one. It isn't something we created, it's something we learned. Almost everyone does it, because it's how we're "taught" to diet. Oh, we're all told not to do it, but we also watch almost everyone go ahead and do it anyway.
Parents say "Do what I say, and not what I do," and what do children learn? What their parents do of course.
Even as adults, we copy what we see more than we copy what we hear - and that's just a human trait. If you're given an employee handbook, if the book contradicts what you see everyone else do, more people follow their coworkers examples than the handbook's instructions. If we see a rule that everyone breaks, chances are we'll break it too.
I've been in and out of weight loss groups like Weight Watchers and TOPS since I was 5 years old, and I've heard that all-or-nothing mentality is counterproductive, but I don't know if I've seen anyone diet any other way. It was how my mother and grandmother dieted. It was how all of the women in all of the meetings admitted that they dieted. It's how I saw the people on the sitcoms and the talk shows diet. My college room mates (even the ones who were tiny)...
I realize that I don't know anyone personally who broke the mold (at least not anyone who talked about it).
Just to make it this far, I've had to unlearn a lot of things I didn't even know that I believed. I "knew" they were untrue, but I acted as if they weren't just because I suppose it was the only way I had ever seen it being done. It felt out of my control, but I think it was more "default" mode. If I'm not paying attention, the "default" or "autopilot" becomes what I've internalized as the "normal," response.
I have to remind myself many times during a day that the "normal" thing where food is concerned is usually the counterproductive thing. I have to do what seems "unnatural" to me, and while some of it is becoming my normal and routine, there's still a lot that feels unnatural. I have to "rebel" against normal.
I've never been much of a rebel before. I was the "good girl" who did everything parents and teachers expected. Any rebelling I did was in my imagination. I'm getting better at being as unique in reality as I am in my imagination, but it's a constant struggle against "normality."
I definitely think it's a gender thing as well. How many women have you heard say I ate something "bad" or I was so "bad" yesterday? Now think about how many men you have heard say that. I don't believe I have ever heard a man do it. In general men have a healthier body image and self esteem. Not to say plenty of them don't overeat, but women really beat themselves up over it, I feel so sad when I hear women say "I really hate myself". The media and society have really screwed with our minds, I think that's why it's all or nothing for a lot of us.
What seems to be working for me is to narrow my focus to the moment. I just try to make the best choice every time I am faced with a choice. I don't worry about the previous choice or the next choice, just the choice in front of me at the moment.
That means when I do occasionally make a poorer choice, which (as Robin and others noted) I sometimes do, I don't have to think of it as an entire enormous multi-month project down the drain. I don't set goals like "be on plan for a day/week/month/year" because then even one poor choice means I haven't met that goal. Instead it's just one choice at a time. I just say, oops, let me think a little about why I made a poor choice, and next time I'll make a better choice. And that's it - the bad choice is history.
I too have learned that this is a complete lifestyle overhaul. It's just what I do when I get up in the morning. There is no more 'doing whatever it takes' to get the weight off and then going back to the old ways that got me there in the first place. Honestly, I can't ever believe I once thought that way! For me, losing weight was always easy but impossible to keep off. Well, no wonder with that mind set!
So, yes, I slip up on occasion but I get right back on track within a day. I wish I could say by the next meal, but that would be lying. However, that is my goal and I'm getting better at it as each day passes by
So, this is my life now. I make better choices. I know my triggers. It's just what I get up and do, and frankly I'm loving it more often than not. I don't feel deprived. I've learned to make the connections between what I put in my mouth and how it makes me feel. So many bad habits I once justified by saying it made me feel better. You know what? They don't. Fudge really doesn't make me feel better and believe it or not, it tastes better in my head than it does on my tongue so why use my calories that way???
I feel rather free.... I don't have to obsess, I just need a plan. And, I have a plan. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to go back to my plan. And, I do.
Glory87 you summed this up perfectly!! Some how you penned exactly what my heart and mind have been going through these past few months. All my life trying to diet I have thrown out the baby with the bath water when I ate one thing high in calories I would throw away the whole diet plan. I would blame that one thing for blowing it.
This is your life, are you who you want to be? Switchfoot
My "all or nothing" problem is different. It's not that if I slip up, I keep going, it's that I tend to have very high expectations for myself, and I figure that if I can't meet those expectations, why bother? So if other people exercise 5 days a week, I need to exercise 7, or I am a slacker. If other people limit themselves to 1200 calories a day, I should be able to limit myself to 1000, or I am weak.
This time I around, I've been really good about avoiding this type of thinking, but it's been work--I've had to remind myself every day that just because I could STAND to eat a little less, doesn't mean I should make that choice, just because I physically COULD exercise a little more doesn't mean it's a good idea. By holding back a bit, by not giving 110% every day, I've managed to keep going for 16 months, when before I always burned out after 6.
Basically, I used to try to torture the weight off, and I think on some level I really believed that fat = lazy, indulgent, bad and the way you got rid of it was through suffering (yes, I was raised Catholic, why do you ask?), so anything that relieved suffering was being bad and lazy. Under that type of thinking, eating an extra 150 grams of chicken breast is exactly the same as eating chocolate cake--both are stopping the pain, so to speak--so when I cracked, I went for the cake.
Basically, I used to try to torture the weight off, and I think on some level I really believed that fat = lazy, indulgent, bad and the way you got rid of it was through suffering (yes, I was raised Catholic, why do you ask?), so anything that relieved suffering was being bad and lazy. Under that type of thinking, eating an extra 150 grams of chicken breast is exactly the same as eating chocolate cake--both are stopping the pain, so to speak--so when I cracked, I went for the cake.
Oh man, you just verbalized something that I haven't quite been able to put my finger on. This is me.
