Jokes & Fun, Nifty Stuff!!
 

Bumper Stickers Or T-Shirt Sayings For Women...

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN...
IS HERSELF!! :snooty:

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER !! :hot:

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH... :dz:

DON'T TREAT ME ANY
DIFFERENTLY
THAN YOU WOULD
THE QUEEN!! :queen:

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN!!! :tired:

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW
TO USE IT!!! :rollpin:

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME!! :hyper:

DO NOT START WITH ME-
YOU WILL NOT WIN!! :nono:

ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE
TO CHOKE!! :idea:

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE
BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS
TO BAD PEOPLE... :stars:

HOW CAN I MISS YOU
IF YOU WON'T
GO AWAY? :coffee2:

DON'T UPSET ME!
I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES
TO HIDE THE BODIES...:yikes:

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. :eating2:

----GONNA BE A BEAR!!----

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
deal with that.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown. cute, cuddly
cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

Smart Women In Afganistan!!

Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do
you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"

"Land mines," said the woman.

Zen-Ish Thoughts...
 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the **** alone. :tread:

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart. :dz:

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. :dunno:

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his shoes. :kickcan:

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. :df:

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot. :foot:

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. :tape:

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. :no:

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. :T

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up. :ziplip:

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the *** ... then things get worse. :tired:

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. :yikes:

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." :crazy:

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. :idea:

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. :hat:

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. :dunno:

Things I’ve Learned In Life...

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. :tread:

I've learned....
That we should be glad God answers all prayers -and however misguided they are...
Remember - NO is an answer... :dunno:

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. :no:

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. :kickcan:

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds. :cloud9:

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. :idea:

I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I loved him one more time before he passed away. :cry:

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. :foot:

I 've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. :D

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. :yes:

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. :sunny:

Biblical History From Childrens Point Of View...
 

Biblical History:

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bib le is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. :lol3:

Friendship A B C's...
 

> This is a test of the Emergency Friendship System!!!
>
>
>
> A Friend....
>
> (A)ccepts you as you are
> (B)elieves in "you"
> (C)alls you just to say "HI"
> (D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
>
> (E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
> (F)orgives your mistakes
> (G)ives unconditionally
> (H)elps you
> (I)nvites you over
>
> (J)ust "be" with you
> (K)eeps you close at heart
> (L)oves you for who you are
> (M)akes a difference in your life
>
> (N)ever Judges
> (O)ffer support
> (P)icks you up
> (Q)uiets your fears
> (R)aises your spirits
>
> (S)ays nice things about you
> (T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
> (U)nderstands you
> (V)alues you
>
> (W)alks beside you
> (X)-plains thing you don't understand
> (Y)ells when you won't listen and
> (Z)aps you back to reality

Ten Commandments---Texas Style!!
 

People in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

1. Just one God
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin
5. Put nothin' before God
6. No foolin' around with another fella's gal
7. No killin'
8. Watch yer mouth
9. Don't take what ain't yers
10. Don't be hankerin' fur yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain and simple-don't ya think?
Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.

Mean Old Man!!
 

Sheer Lingerie..
 

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!! :yikes:
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and lightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. :halfempty
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart." :sp:
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient wenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both of his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. :cool:
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. :rolleyes:
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for abou ttwenty years -- when my husband was alive." :dz:
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." :tied:
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." :lol3:
--Won't admit his name.. (Gee I wonder why!!! :lol: )

Revenge OF The Blondes!!
 

Revenge of The Blondes

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

50 Ways To Show Your Love...
 

This list is designed to be a quick check for you to review. Use it to give yourself ideas to maintain your relationship, to give it a positive boost or just simply for some ideas. Print this list off and give it to your partner and then take it in turns, fulfilling what each other wants from the list.

1. Hug her/him.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call her/him at work just to say "Hi."

4. Give a foot massage.

5. Tell a joke.

6. Caress her/him with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with her/him.

8. Admit your mistakes.

9. Say: "I love you."

10. Indulge a whim.

11. Listen to her/him talk about an interest of hers/his.

12. Be trustworthy.

13. Instead of complaining, tell her/him what you would prefer.

14. Look at her/him when you're in a discussion.

15. Send her/him flowers. (They`re not just for us girls.)

16. Compliment something she/he did.

17. Offer to help.

18. Ask her/him to show you how to do something.

19. Write a poem about how special she/he is to you.

20. Ask her/him what she'd/he'd like sexually.

21. Take an afternoon drive.

22. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

23. Do something she/he wants to do.

24. Listen to her/him (even if she/he is boring you.)

25. Plan a candlelit dinner.

26. Look at old photos together.

27. Serve her/him breakfast in bed.

28. Take a shower together.

29. Share sexual fantasies.

30. Do a work project together.

31. Give her/him an all over body massage.

32. Plan a picnic lunch.

33. Repeat what she/he says before answering.

34. Send her/him a card.

35. Surprise her/him with a gift.

36. Cook her/his favorite meal.

37. Put on some romantic music.

38. Put together a compilation tape of both your favourite songs.

39. Ask for her/his opinion.

40. Ask her/him how he feels.

41. Let her/him know when you are proud of her/him.

42. Invite her/him to a secret rendezvous.

43. Listen openly to her/his opposing opinion.

44. Watch her/his favourite TV programme with her/him.

45. Watch a sunset together.

46. Play a game together.

47. Have her/him teach you something he/she knows.

48. Go to a movie of his/her choice.

49. Meet him/her for lunch.

50. Let him/her know you care

Dust...
 

The other morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the ****?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Babe," he hollered into the bathroom, " Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'" http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies.../1/happy08.gif

Finally....The "Mans" Side Of It All...
 

She & He...
 

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as
female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a
gender. And here are some of them:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But
consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and
while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on
trying. :lol:

Three Hillbillies...
 

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch talkin'...

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!... I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

Button Sayings:

I go to conventions for teachers, or science fiction, and there is always at least one person there selling calligraphy buttons. Over the years, I've collected some with awesome sayings... Unfortunately, I can't wear most of them to school, so maybe I can share them here:

1. Cats don't get into mischief. Cats ARE mischief.
2. I think, therefore I am. What's your excuse?
3. Somewhere, my vocational guidance counselor is having a good laugh. (This was a gift from my best friend when I graduated with my degree in vocational/transition planning)
4. Its a Jewish thing. If you've got a little time, I'll explain it to you.
5. Imagination is intelligence having fun.
6. It seemed like a good idea at the time!
7. DO IT! Its easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8. This job is a test. It is only a test. If it had been a real job, it would have been followed by pay raises and promotions.
9. Do what the little voices tell you--They're making sense!
10. What part of MEOW didn't you understand?
11. My life may be strange, but at least its not BORING!
12. Oh no, not another learning experience!
13. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
14. By Gd, for a moment there, it all made sense...
15. This isn't ****. This is where you get sent when you're bad in ****.
16. Available Introvert, Say Hi!

And my favorites:
17. If at first you don't succeed, become a school administrator.
18. Of course I have a Lesson Plan!

(The latter one tends to make prinicpals think you really DON'T plan... which is why I don't wear it to school anymore!)

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies...1/animal47.gif Not myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cat.... He's Mr. Innocent. :lol: :lol3: http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies...1/animal31.gif

(Lies through her keyboard! haahaha)

Bras & Friends..
 

Good Samaritan!!
 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. :rofl:

Commuter
 

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A Commuter
**********************************************
Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
The Railroad
**********************************************
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your reply to my letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your trains in the last two years.

Yours truly,
A Commuter

Smart Blonde In Factory!!
 

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the
rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked
in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going ??

"Home," The blonde answered, "I can't work in the dark."

Maxine On...
 

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."

6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

9. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

TERM LENGTH:
The rest of your life.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing g to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and just wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Mad Wife Disease!!
 

Happy Mothers Day!!
 

Got this in the E-Mail today and HAD to share it!!!

Today's Issue is dedicated to Mothers everywhere. It includes some of our
favorite quotes having to do with Mothers and Motherhood.

1. God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - Jewish
Proverb

2. The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will
always find forgiveness. -Honore' de Balzac (1799-1850)

3. There is no velvet so soft as a mother's lap no rose as lovely as her
smile, no path so flowery as that imprinted with her footsteps. -Archibald
Thompson

4. All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.- Abraham
Lincoln (1809-1865)

5. Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's
secret hope outlives them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

6. Richer than Gold
You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be --
I had a mother who read to me.
Strickland Gillilan

7. My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my
mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and
physical education I received from her. - George Washington (1732-1799)

8. If I had a flower for each time I thought of My Mother, I could walk in my
garden forever. - Unknown

9. A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden,
fall upon us;
when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice
with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still
will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to
dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
-Washington Irving

10. There was never a great man who had not a great mother. Olive Schreiner


Things Mom's have been known to say.

* As long as you're living under MY roof you'll do what I say!
* Ill treat you like an adult when you start acting like one!
* You can look but DON'T TOUCH!
* Go to your room and think about what you did!
* How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
* You won't be happy until you break that, will you?
* You know I don't sleep until you get home!

http://d21c.com/AnnesPlace/Spec/MD19.gif

Things NOT To Be Heard During Surgery...
 

Top 10 Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
 

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest...1st Place Winner!!
 

The Word "Service"...
 

Inner Peace...
 

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me....
and at this time of year we could all use a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have found the
secret to inner peace. The article read, "The way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't
finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey. And the
prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel
are in need of Inner Peace. http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies.../3/happy23.gif