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A young lady decides to take up ice fishing.http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies...1/animal27.gif
She goes to the local sporting goods store and buys her equipment. On the ice she sets on her stool and begins cutting a circular hole and a voice from above says "there are no fish under this ice". She looks up and dejectedly moves halfway across the ice and commences to cutting another hole and a voice from above says 'there are no fish under this ice". So she looks up, sighs and moves to the far side of the ice and begins cutting another circular hole and the voice from above says "I repeat, there are NO fish underneath this ice!" She looks skyward and says "Why Lord are there no fish under this ice?" And the voice from above replies "This is the rink announcer". :lol: |
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. TERM LENGTH: The rest of your life. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing g to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and just wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. |
Mad Wife Disease!!
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
"Ouch!!" What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket withthe name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied... "Your horse called"!! http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies...confused68.gif |
Happy Mothers Day!!
Got this in the E-Mail today and HAD to share it!!!
Today's Issue is dedicated to Mothers everywhere. It includes some of our favorite quotes having to do with Mothers and Motherhood. 1. God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - Jewish Proverb 2. The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. -Honore' de Balzac (1799-1850) 3. There is no velvet so soft as a mother's lap no rose as lovely as her smile, no path so flowery as that imprinted with her footsteps. -Archibald Thompson 4. All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 5. Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894) 6. Richer than Gold You may have tangible wealth untold; Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold. Richer than I you can never be -- I had a mother who read to me. Strickland Gillilan 7. My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. - George Washington (1732-1799) 8. If I had a flower for each time I thought of My Mother, I could walk in my garden forever. - Unknown 9. A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. -Washington Irving 10. There was never a great man who had not a great mother. Olive Schreiner Things Mom's have been known to say. * As long as you're living under MY roof you'll do what I say! * Ill treat you like an adult when you start acting like one! * You can look but DON'T TOUCH! * Go to your room and think about what you did! * How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age. * You won't be happy until you break that, will you? * You know I don't sleep until you get home! http://d21c.com/AnnesPlace/Spec/MD19.gif |
One day while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living. The Lord went down into the water and appeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble," the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble," the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband," the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson." The moral of this story is: When a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!! ;) |
Things NOT To Be Heard During Surgery...
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O' Great Lord of Darkness" 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "Damn, there go the lights again...." 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. ****, the guy's got two of them." 11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?" |
Top 10 Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." And the number one thing to say when you've been caught? 1. "... in Jesus' name. Amen." |
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest...1st Place Winner!!
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and maybe the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. |
The Word "Service"...
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Telephone Service Civil Service City/County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. Have a wonderful day , and I hope you are now as enlightened as I am! :lol: |
Inner Peace...
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me....
and at this time of year we could all use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have found the secret to inner peace. The article read, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey. And the prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace. http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies.../3/happy23.gif |
Used Car Lot
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his
evening rounds... As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". Each of the women said "We can't drive". The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" They answered, "Word around town is if you buy a car here, you'd get screwed, so we're waiting patiently." |
Idiots Of 2003
Number One Idiot of 2003
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, but at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Number Two Idiot of 2003 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Number Three Idiot of 2003 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote: "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window! So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Number Four Idiot of 2003 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Number Five Idiot of 2003 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave them the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. Number Six Idiot of 2003 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Number Seven Idiot of 2003 Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi- Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. |
Lincoln Vs. Kennedy
Make sure you read the whole story!
Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with an "0" at the end. > > > 1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office) > > > 1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated) > > > 1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated) > > > 1900: William McKinley (assassinated) > > > 1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office) > > > 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office) > > > 1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated) > > > 1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt) > > > 2000: George W. Bush ???????????? And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000. You might also be interested in this. Have a history teacher explain this if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford." Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford." Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the "kicker": A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. Creepy, huh? Show this to as many people as you can, because: Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading! |
Milk Bath....
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples!" |
Man And Diamond Ring...
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." Monday morning a very teeed off jeweler phones the man. " You b:censored:d you lied there's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!!" :lol: |
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