[Minya]

I just found out my sister in law is pregnant with her first child. I thought at first that it was something to be happy about until I went to my in-laws house today. The problem is my sister in law is a very VERY selfish person, I mean the type who would get upset if she weren't the one to bring the first grandchild into the world (which she is). Now that she is expecting, her selfishness has gotten even worse, the world revolves around her and this is only two days after she found out as well.

Here's my issue, I have PCOS and considered infertile... T_T

I'm so jealous of her...not because she is having a baby, but because she is CAPABLE of having one...and I can't.... Her strutting around about the baby is making me hurt inside.

I feel so bad about myself because of these personal hormone issues and am trying to change myself for the better by losing weight but the goal just seems to be getting further and further away. Plus I'm turning 26 on the 18th...so I'm pushing past what they call 'the fertility years' and lagging behind. My mom had all her kids by the time she was 25.

I'm being selfish myself by posting this, I know. But I desperately need to vent and cry before I tear my hair out. How can I make this easier to deal with? Should I just ignore it and let her rub her pregnancy into me?

[labean]

It's ok to be selfish when honestly dealing with your emotions. I think your feelings are natural.

Isn't there support in your community for you? Like a group?

Minya, lots of women will tell you that "fertility years" have gotten to be later and later in life. THey are not the same as when your mom had you.

Hugs

[mandalinn82]

OK, first off, 26 is NOT past the "fertility years" by any means. You have time. Really! So take a deep breath. And do you have other fertility issues, or just the PCOS? There are things that can be done with PCOS to increase the chances of a pregnancy. You may want to go to your OB/GYN to talk about this topic - I was really freaked out, too, but sat with my gyn at my last appointment, discussed fertility and my long-term baby plans, discussed options and success rates, and I ended up MUCH reassured. So please, talk to someone and get a realistic sense of what your chances of pregnancy are, and what you can do to make those chances as good as possible (in my situation, my Gyn recommended that I start on Yaz, as in her experience, women with PCOS have a VERY regular, strong ovulation in the two months immediately following going off of birth control, so that when we were ready, our chances would be as high as possible for those 2 months). Even if there are other, non-PCOS related issues, talking to someone about your options can help you have a solid foundation on which to base decisions. Even if there is no way for you to carry a child yourself, there are a lot of other options out there, including adoption and surrogacy. So don't give up hope, OK?

You ARE going to have to deal with this pregnancy, and be part of some of the family/social events, but you don't need to let her rub it in your face. If it were me, I'd take her aside privately, and say "I am so excited for you! But I just wanted to let you know that I have a medical condition which makes me worry about my fertility, so this might be a little bittersweet for me for a while. Thank you so much for understanding if I seem a little off!". At least then she's aware, and unless she's entirely clueless, she'll back off on you.

[Chicklette217]

I can relate my sis was preg she was so self centered I knew she would be the worse mother ever her daugther is 2 now and I have never seen such a good mom. All that energy she spent on flipping her hair and thinking about her self went to caring about her child. I don't think she understands that her rubbing it in hurts you in the way it does. She has not had to deal with what you have so she will never understand what your going thru. You need to stop and look at yourself be proud of yourself look how far you have come on your own. Dont compare yourself to anyone else You will have kids when your ready. My sister in law had cevical cancer and they told her chances of having kids are very slim she now has two heathly kids. If thats not the case for you there are always other ways to have kids. There are always worse things out there Try to think about postive things, your going to be an aunt!!

[Stella]

No, you are *not* selfish about posting it, she is for "rubbing it in" so much! Sibling rivalry is a delicate issue which, unfortunately, I am familiar with too. We both come from the very same background, and somehow expect to do exactly as the other. When one does better, particularly in terms of money and family, we may think that this is unfair (at least, I do).

On the other hand, PCOS does not need to mean infertility. Has your doctor said that you definitely cannot conceive? Posh Spice has PCOS *and* is underweight *and* seems to be fertile. Don`t know an awful lot about the condition, but I have read somewhere that getting to a healthy weight can improve it - and you are addressing that.

Meanwhile - get skinny while she is getting fat and watch who`s getting the attention for that !:-)

[quince]

dear Minya, i don't see anything selfish in your post. it is not selfishness, it is just sadness and fear.
of course 26 is nowhere near the end of your fertility years (i understand that doctors usually recommend patients with pcos to have a baby as early as possible, but it is not an imperative). imagine if you, like myself, haven't even met the potential father of your children by the time you are 30, which is very common these days! i see no reason to panic.
i was first 'diagnosed' (it has never been confirmed) with pcos eleven years ago. i was 22, and the only treatment for it than were birth-control pills, which gave us a chance to have an ovulation right after we stop taking them and people have been successful that way too. today, there are many more options, including metmorfin, and many women with pcos i know have had results with metmorfin (combined with weig htloss) and became mothers.i am now 33 years old and things are looking so much different. who knows what medical science will offer us just a few years from now? and you will still be young enough to be a mother. besides, you are now doing the best thing one can to beat pcos – weight loss and exercise are the best cure!
as far as the pain and even envy you feel, i can really relate. all i can advise you to do is to cry one day and then refocus – focus on the baby you will have in your family, a baby you will have the ‘right’ to hold and love until you have your own. you have to open your heart and be optimistic in order to enjoy life before you have your baby one day and welcome it in your life. don’t be afraid to believe!
i’m pretty sure i missed out on so many things in my nephew’s life in the first year because of the pain and fear i will never have a son of my own. that only made me feel more depressed and eat more and more. and it’s a shame because my nephew is such a joy!

[Minya]

I'm so glad and happy today. As Quince said, find a day to cry- yesterday night was that day I think. And today I'm going to continue my exercises and eat right. I will have that child I so desperately want to put in soccer someday.

As for me, I'm gonna be the envied one when I have a beautiful body...something that my in law doesn't have and never did have XD lol!

I have a doctor appt with my gyn in two weeks so I'll take everyone's advice and bring it up with her and what I can do to prepare. Hopefully she can give me the help I need.

Thanks so much guys, I really needed a pick me up today. Hugs!

[Moonlight Mistress]

You think that 26 is getting to old to have babies!? Well, if that's true then I'm SOL (so out of luck). I'll be 27 in Feb. and I don't plan on having children until I'm AT LEAST 29.

[weightlosswanted]

I have found it necessary when it comes to certain family members and/or situations to put myself first and avoid negativity. That's not selfish, it's self-care! If the situation doesn't improve you may have to consider that option. Meanwhile, don't give up on your chances to conceive or be a mom through other means!

[Sassy_Chick]

I agree with everybody here. Great Advice and as far as too old, well then I am really s.o.l! Cuz I turn 35 next month and I am still ttc! lol. Talk to your dr and if they don't give you an answer that you like or seems not right, then guess what? Find another one! Like my mil says, "You can fire drs just like u do anybody else, plumbers, etc." So don't lose hope, it seems like you have gotten your confidence back, don't lose it! As far as being selfish, I agree with the ladies here, it is personal with us. It hits home to each and every one of us when it happens to someone we are close too. We have to deal with those feelings, which can be very difficult at times. But we are here for you! Also feel free to join us in our Monthly Thread if u want.

[patchworkpenguin]

Hugs to you, Minya!

I know several women in their 40+'s who have delivered heathy children, so I wouldn't exactly give up hope.

Sadly, there are many people like your SIL who think the world revolves around them and are never going to 'get' that it doesn't. My trick is to 'nod and smile' and try not to let them ruin my day, just because they think or say something doesn't make it so. Not much in the way of 'words of wisdom' but I hope it helps.

[Minya]

Everything that everyone has posted is so true and I can't wait to try out the suggestions! I talked to my husband today and he feels the same way...just try to stay away from the in law sister and push aside the negatives. The world doesn't revolve around one person, i agree.

I decided to treat myself to a new book today, a lovely vampire novel...maybe dreaming about blood suckers and romance will take my mind off this whole thing XD lol!

Oh and good news, hubby is warming up to the idea of having a baby ! He's so nervous though and admitted that to me today!

[juliastl27]

i had cervical cancer and a partial hysterectomy at age 26. i have one child but more is no longer an option. i feel your pain! however, while hysterectomys are a 100% to having a child, it sounds like you still have a shot! dont give up. my sister was told she was infertile and now has 4 kids.

[Lizabeth2]

Take heart! I was told by two different docs when I was 21 that I would not have children. We now have 7 plus one miscarriage. Our youngest was born when I was 39. Don't give up. Just relax. By the way, I had a SIL like yours. In fact, two! They don't--- didn't rule my world. (make that 3)

[quince]

i'm sooooo glad you're feeling better, Minya! your post stuck with me whole day yesterday, kinda made me see my own feelings and fears better, so i smiled when i read you decided to deal with it with more optimism! way to go!