Hello! Another thread got me thinking about obesity and blame. I'm curious. Do you guys blame yourselves for the weight you've gained? Does it even matter? Every single obese person blamed themselves in this particular thread, except for me. I blame the PCOS and feel that I am fighting it tooth and nail and have been ever since I found out I had it. I need to know, should I blame myself?

I know I shouldn't make excuses. I don't feel that I am. But I also can not say I got here because I'm lazy. I'm sooooo not lazy! I didn't get here because I binge or because I eat too many desserts. I'm learning that cutting way down on calories is something I darn well should have been all along, but for the most part, I was eating the same thing tiny people were eating! I just have a different metabolism.

...feeling insecure.

Cheer up!! You have come to the right place. You will reach your goal.

Why thank you! Nah, mostly I feel fine. I just think society already thinks I'm fat and lazy. I didn't think obese people actually saw themselves that way!! How sad! I don't see myself that way at all. I know horribly that others look at me that way and it makes me want to hide, which is really funny when you rather stand out quite a bit! LOL! But I do not see myself that way.

I think there's a fine line between blame and taking responsibility for weight gain. I'm out of my usual posting area (knowing nothing about PCOS). I do know plenty of people who really don't know how many calories they're taking in and how many they need. I've found (when asked for help) that most people really don't think about how many calories are in their double/double large coffee or that there's really a difference between a small and a large apple (seriously about 100% more calories). Or even what is a small apple.

I gained weight because I ate too much, that's taking responsibility. Finding the reason is important to losing it. I'm assuming that you have issues with PCOS. I have issues with screwed up hunger signals (I seriously am always hungry).

Oops - I meant to add something. Eating just 50 cals more a day than your body needs will add ~5 pounds a year. That's not a big deal but they do add up. You don't need to binge or eat too many desserts to get there, just a little extra here and there.

Anne, I know what you're saying. I have learned a lot about calories this time around. I needed to learn how many calories I could consume for my body to lose weight. I had no concept of that. But I can't really blame myself for it. It was an aha moment, and a frustrating one. I've grown up in the "special diet" age. Take this pill, buy this machine, drink this drink, eat all the meat you want...and lose the weight! Calorie counting has been taboo, and looking back, I'm really not sure why.

I guess the reason I feel I am not to blame for consuming too many calories is because if someone had said, "If you only eat 1200 calories a day, you will lose weight" I'd have jumped at it! Heck, I did! I had just honest-to-goodness never heard that before. I guess I'd never heard it before because no company can receive any royalties for getting the word out! And, like you were saying about the coffee and apple, I did not know how many calories were in foods. In high school I just ate french fries (and that's it) and lost weight. In college the new buzz was "low-fat". Early in my marriage the buzz was the "ASAP" diet which had to do with eating specific foods and slow exercise. The the low-carb phase hit. Nowhere in there did anyone say "HELLO!! COUNT UP YOUR CALORIES MY DEAR!"

Ugh, I sound like I'm blaming someone else. The media? I'm not. I think NO ONE is to blame. It just happened. I have tried super hard to lose this weight from working out three hours a day 6 days a week to eating absolutely no carbs with no cheats! I just can't blame someone who honestly works that hard even if it gets her nowhere.

I don't see any reason it needs to be the same for everyone.

I'm not sure blame is the best word, but obesity for me at least was entirely my own doing. Unless I want to blame the stuff that led to chronic depression and isolation that led to obesity ... But the point is, blaming myself is ok - it just means *I* can do something about it

On the one hand, I think there are real problems with guilt and shame and blame with women in this country. It makes me very sad.

On the other hand, I think guilt and shame and blame get a bad rap. I think they're good things, when appropriate. I'm pretty sick of people who never feel guilty, never feel shame, and don't blame themselves for anything. (That is *absolutely* not about the OP. It's not even about obesity, just life in general). I think they're fabulous concepts. They only become negative, I think, because (1) we apply them to the wrong silly things, and (2) we equate them with worth or something.

They're different than worth. I think they go hand in hand with worth. I'm *worth* facing reality and changing the things about me that need to change.

I think that probably for a lot of people, obesity is a *combination* of their own doing, and outside factors beyond their control. I would think it's definitely helpful to understand those factors, and not feel like you *should* be blaming yourself where you shouldn't. That's just toxic.

And even with the things that are your own doing, blame, guilt and shame are tricky if in your mind they = you are a bad, unworthy person.

I think the word blame implies a heavy negative judgement. Responsibility is more neutral.

There were a lot of factors that contributed to my obesity - some were within my control, and some were not. Some were in my control, but I didn't know it. I think I understand the factors contributing to my obesity very well - but I could be wrong also. Luckily, my weight loss isn't dependent upon my assigning the correct "blame."

Effective weight loss strategies result in weight loss - blame is not a prerequisite. You can "blame" anything or anyone you want to, or you can refuse to blame anything or anyone - and the weight will still come off if your strategies are effective.

Understanding the contributing factors can be helpful, because it can help you find effective strategies - but assigning blame (if the point is to feel bad, not to find effective strategies) is largely pointless. Even if you "blame" external sources, there's no way for anyone but YOU to make the changes. So regardless of what contributed to causing your weight gain, only you can change it.

So I guess everyone has to ask what does blame have to do with it? If blaming someone or something (including yourself) helps you in some way - blame away. If it doesn't help, don't.

I'm so glad I started this thread. You ladies are so wise. I think perhaps the lesson I have learned here is not to open threads about blame! LOL! It's just not something I need to put on myself or anyone else. You're right! Blame gets us nowhere! Taking responsibility, now that's where the real promise lies.

I find blame pretty much irrelevant to my weight loss story. What is important to me is knowing that I have the ability to change and manage my weight.

The issue with putting blame elsewhere is that, sometimes, it serves as an excuse to not make any changes...in essense, saying, "well, I gained weight because of X thing that is partially out of my control, so what's the use in trying to lose it". Doing that, obviously, is a concern. In order to really commit yourself to losing weight, IMO, you must believe that what you does has an effect on your weight, that you're IN CONTROL.

Now, there are probably 10 million factors to "blame" for my weight gain...bad knees in high school, PCOS, strange food rules growing up, bad nutrition and PE education, whatever...but to me, none of those matter. What matters is only that I am currently, 100% in control of the choices I make, and those choices can lead me to a healthier weight.

did i get fat by drinking too much soda? yes..i drank way too much. did i set out to become obese? heck no. i obviously had other issues that let me keep putting those cans of soda to my lips even tho i kept getting bigger and bigger. whether its partly genetic, depression, low self esteem, or whatever,
Something was behind it. do i feel blame? to a degree. but i guess im easier on myself than that. i Know something was behind it, so im trying to sort
That out as well as giving up the soda. no one (i dont think) would choose to weigh 300 lbs at 5'3... there Must be a reason im this big other than the obvious of drinking all that soda. Im trying to 'heal' myself as well as get fit.. do i sit around and blame myself? that would be so counterproductive to me. i had issues, i got fat, im trying to sort it.. and im proud of myself for taking the initiative

I sure don't blame PCOS for my weight. I know there's a lot of people that think it is because of that. I think my problem is just not being realistic about food and activity and bad habits growing up.

PCOS is evil. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt normal. For me, my worst symptom is the cysts. I can't remember the last time I didn't have abdominal pain. Thankfully, it doesn't prevent me from exercising or doing what I love, but I still would give anything to be cyst free.

I'm sorry. I know the pain, but I only get it when I ovulate. I can't imagine living like that all the time.

Hope I'm not butting in, but your discussion is just so interesting and I can tell there are a lot of smart, thoughtful ladies in this group. I love it.

I have lived my whole life navigating blame and shame, and often I find myself discovering, when I look back upon the past, thinking "Good God, why was I all worked up about blaming or shaming myself for THAT?" When I reminisce, more often than not, I find I'm a bit sad about my attitude because it always seems I'm being way too hard on myself. In fact, I'd say about 90% of the time the blame and shame I've directed toward myself have been efforts to excuse not doing anything about my situation--I make myself feel so bad that I render myself unable act on what I don't like about my life! This, of course, is absolutely ridiculous behavior, totally counter productive, and a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness!

Like some other people have commented, blame and shame, for me, is not helpful when it comes to weight loss—I love feeling feel liberated of the vicious shame/blame cycle. However, maybe there are people that find blame and shame useful tools for resisting those fabulous, fatty foods and treats! The only thing that matters now is getting off the weight. I guess it’s really up to the individual’s knowledge of herself and understand what makes herself tick, you know?

I think that is so often true. I mean, how often does castigating yourself go along with more inaction rather than action? It's hard to go on berating yourself when you're taking action. So berating yourself can be a way to not be *doing* something.

Eliana, I understand how you feel. It's painful to stop and look and realize 'oh my gosh when did this happen???' I try not to focus on how it happened, but instead on what needs to be done to get it off and keep it off. It's so much more peaceful that way! PCOS will forever change the way I look at carbohydrates and exercise, neither of which feel 'natural' for me. It's been an acquired taste.