Hey Birgit-
Welcome Back! Yep, we get it. My husband doesn't get it either. He can't-- it's not his fault. I've learned to get my recovery support from OA, and the support that he CAN give, from him.
You don't need to be in any hurray to tell the world about your eating. It's important to be honest about it with yourself and with other compulsive overeaters. The rest of the world doesn't need to know-- or at any rate, doesn't need to know any time soon.
For me it means that food has control over me. That everytime I "think" I am in control of it, and every time I try a diet, or try a new "program" of better eating, I always (and I do mean always), end right back up to where I am right now. Binging til I feel sick (literally) because I turn to the food in my emotions. All these "diets" and (usually commercial food programs) are temporary fixes for me. They work for awhile, maybe because they something new in my life to take my mind off what is really inside me, but then they get old, and the powerless creeps back in. The food once again has a hold of me, it keeps me in chains, shackles and in bondage. To be free of this, for me, will be 1) to admit that I cannot fix this myself and 2) to let God fix this(me) and to "really" apply tools of healthy living (emotionally, physically and spiritually). Not just say it, but to do it. That is one of my biggest problems and weaknesses. I say it, and I know what I need to do, but I don't do it. I made 2008 my year to reach my goal of achieving better health and caring more about myself to really make some changes and differences in my life. I got off to an "ok" start, "but" I was planning for one of those "quick fixes", only to find it already isn't working. I still intend 2008 to be my year, but I need to achieve this with permanent changes, not quick fixes. I really want this to happen. So for me, (and after eating some of my binge food even before posting this), that is what being powerless means, when I allow something to control me or keep me in bondage. I want to be free of that. I want to be free of the food, and I want only God to control me and the things in my life. Thanks for listening and and thanks for this topic, I appreciate it and I feel this is a tool also, in getting started in a better journey for "me" for 2008.
love, tink oxo
I could have written what you wrote - every single word rings true for me, as well. I read your words, and I feel your frustrations, sadness, pain, confusion - as well as all sorts of other emotions.
I wonder if it might be possible for you to let go of the concept of 2008 being the year of change for you. Is it possible to maybe just have January 29th be the "day of change?" One day at a time, Girl! For me this works cuz it feels much less intimidating and scary that way. It's kind of the same when I'm planning on cleaning out my closet. If I focus on the entire closet, it's too big a project, too intimidating - and I find a million reasons not to do it. When I focus on throwing out only the shoes I no longer wear - well, that I can do. Once the old shoes are gone, I can then focus on the frayed T-shirts. Understand?
I wish you much luck, Tink - and know that you are not alone in your struggle.
You are SO right! As I read and "re-read" your reply, I said to myself, I am not even guaranteed all of 2008, so why not just work on what I can, and what I have "today". So then I could say, well, if I don't have all of 2008, why not eat whatever I want to, what would it matter? But then I say, but what if??? What if I do have all of 2008 and a long life (I hope and pray )...I have 5 wonderful, beautiful, precious children, and shouldn't I plan for the hopes and thinking that I "will" be here for them? So in those thoughts, all the quotes, literature and thoughts of "life for today" makes more sense. Maybe it would do me good to think of, live for today in hopes of tomorrow. Anyway, thanks for your words of wisdom, they were very encouraging.
love, tink oxo
p.s. My husband just brought me an apple pie and coffee from McDonald's.
I think you've got it, Tink - sounds to me like you're on the right track.
Let me also say this to you: I wonder if maybe it might work for you to take the focus off the food. I've been trying that for the past few weeks, and it seems to be working for me. Here's what I mean: I have noticed that the two places or situations where I am most likely to binge is when I'm alone at home in the evenings watching TV, or when I'm alone in a car driving somewhere. I have made the commitment to myself - one day at a time - to NOT eat ANYTHING when I'm in one of those two situations. I have not committed to eating according to any particular food plan. That means that I eat whatever I want to, BUT I don't eat when I'm watching TV or when I'm driving in the car. So if I get hungry and I want to eat, I turn of the TV. Or I pull over, stop the car, and eat.
For me, this works because it's a "stop" before I go into mindless bingeing. I have to decide what's more important, am I really hungry or do I want to watch my program? Am I hungry or do I want to get to where I'm going? Most of the time, I'm not really hungry. And when I am, I stop what I'm doing and sit down and eat.
And when I do that, I eat whatever I want - even if it's a piece of cake (or apple pie from McD's). But I'm paying attention to it, enjoying it fully. I've noticed that when I eat mindfully like this, I actually notice when I'm full and the food no longer tastes good. Believe it or not, I've actually stopped eating at this point
Tink, I don't know if this will work for me in the long run or not. But it's working for me right now, and I seem to be loosing weight without feeling deprived of treats that I enjoy. I focus on feeding my body good healthy fuel, and I don't worry about calories, portion size, carbs or sugar. So far, so good.
I hope that you find something that works for you, as well. Please let us know!
Thanks for all the encouragement, and things for me to think about and work on. I really appreciate it.
It also clicks with me in what Sandy said about maybe not even focusing on the food, with her example of not eating while driving or watching tv. Something I have noticed about my own observance of myself, is that it's not so much the sweets (my binge food), but how I eat them. When I eat them "with" a meal, which is usually with my family, I seem to not obsess so much on them. But when I snack, I eat by myself usually, or sneak the food away for no one to see me, and "that" is when I do my binging. I binge in secrecy, so no one is watching. So I have wondered lately, if I cut out the snacking, and just ate regular meals, which could even include a dessert, but no secret snacking/binging in between, if maybe that would not be a huge start for me. And if I do snack, make sure it's only something like carrots...etc, but none of the binge food snacking, or maybe like Sandy said about knowing where her weakness is, I know mine is when I eat the snacks alone, maybe I should make sure I don't eat any snacks alone. (snacks=binge foods, not normal snacking)....Maybe since I've been observing that about myself and thinking about it, and then getting ideas and advice here too, maybe I'm getting a lightbulb moment (as Oprah would say) ...
I think I will give this a try, at least for today and see how I feel about it.
Thanks so much Sandy & Marny, I appreciate your time, help and your listening ears.
Tink, good for you for getting some insight on what your binge pattern is. You're right - if it's "dangerous" for you to eat when you're alone, then maybe that's the place to put your focus: don't eat when you're alone, or at least don't eat certain things when you're alone. That way you're not telling yourself you can never have a piece of cake again - only that you're not going to eat it when you're alone. Besides, "treats" are much more fun when you're sharing them with others anyway.
I'm looking forward to hearing how your day went.
Hugs to you (and Marny too),
I'm totally stuffing food in my mouth all day now. My Grandfather (who is like a father to me) went to Heaven on Thursday. I was with him when he passed. I've been doing a lot of emotional eating. I'm thankful that my Grandfather is not suffering anymore, and not in pain anymore. He's with my Grandmother now, dancing in Heaven together, but I am going to miss him so much.
I hope after the Funeral I will get back to caring about my health and eating again. It's not that I don't care right now, but I just don't feel like thinking about it or making an effort right now.
Hey Tink, I am so so sorry about your grandfather passing. I’m glad you took the time to post on here, even at such a sad time. It means I can remember you in my prayers, and send good wishes your way.
Look after yourself at this difficult time Tink. Your grandfather would be proud of your willingness to change and be well. Your sharing on step one has really helped me.
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