[Bikini Dreader]

I had a little reminder last night of how I will be battling this possibly forever. I was feeling pretty down and I couldnt figure out why. I still dont know why. I was teary eyed all day. I tried to figure out what was going on but I couldnt. I held it in because I was at my sisters. I told her how I was feeling and she asked me why. I said "I dont know". I raelly didnt. THen I had to get groceries on my way home because that was my original plan. I probably should have just gone home but I didnt. I started putting "treats" in my basket along the way and ended up leaving the grocry store with two things I knew I would binge on right away and one that I somehow convinced myself was a treat for another day. Well I ate all three... way too much food and just not even thinking. I noticed that I didnt feel teary eyed when I was eating. I felt good. like I was letting myself have this treat. but afterward. i was upset. The sadness came back and not only that but now I had basically negated all the hard work I had all week. This weekend was bad for calorie intake and I'm trying to lose weight.

A lot is going on right now but I think I'm lonely. i've been trying to figure out why I'm so sad and I think that is it. My ex has moved on... it's been years but I just haven't even met anyone I'm interested in. I think I"m still waiting for him to come back. It's not my proudest moment and I dont tell anyone but I've been finding myself thinking about him more and more and since I moved back to my hometown it's a bit worse. THe fact that I'm not happy with the way I look right now makes me sort of hide form him in a way. Not that I see him all the time but I avoid parties where he will be there and yesterday I got an invitation to another party he would be attneding with his girlfriend. I guess that might be it. I'm just not proud enough right now to face him. I think with everyone else I put on a brave face and pretend I dont care. SO I guess yesterday it just got to me and I decided that I wanted to be sad about it but didnt talk to anyone about it and couldnt recognize why.. so I ate. I went back to my old ways. It did make me feel a bit better at the time but because I am trying to lose weight and no longer use food, it doesnt feel good now.

As much as I'm upset about it, I am almost happy it happened. I have now written down some things I learned and will revisit that the next time I feel a binge coming on. I did try to stop myself. I just ignored my own warning signs. I hope next time I dont.

Why are things so complicated?

[marny]

You learned! It was painful, but not wasted.

Taking some time out from being with people who are hard to be with may be the right choice for you right now. You are in a very temperamental process. You are learning to look honestly at yourself, feel feelings, recover from a substance addiction, and live life in a completely new way. Maybe you need to be spending more time with others in recovery, and less time with the folks that make you want to eat. You will get to a point when you are ready to see them again.

[Bikini Dreader]

Thanks Marny

[mdl]

wow honey am i feeling your post!

i also just have felt "bad". for me that usually means lonely. i dont even have an ex to mull over (not to compare pain!!) but i had another crappy date yesterday and am just not enjoying my lovelife to put it mildly.

and i went to the store and bought things i did not want to have around. and yet i tell myself to stop going to the grocery store but go out to eat and buy smaller portions. but part of me is just too scared to do that....too scared to think that i can actually deal with my loneliness without turning to food. like it cant be done. and i will never get better

i know that is no way to look at it (IE black and white thinking) but damnit this is just hard

"ignored my own warning signs"

DITTTOOOOO

nxt time i hope to write back and say i didn't ignore my own warning signs. trying to make this positive....

blech

[Bikini Dreader]

thanks for your post. i hope to feel the same next time after having listened to my warning signs. I'm going to be more concrete with my plan next time rather than giving myself too much leway and tricking myself in the moment.
We'll both have better things to report next time!

[tommy]

Hugs cuz I completely understand. After a Dr. appointment with my son early this morning which Dr. thinks after MRI will be surgery on a torn ankle tendon, I went to my podiatrist to follow up on this horrid pain on the top of my foot. His conclusion was "surgery". Coupled with a nasty email from my hopefully soon "ex" implying I am a horrid mother, I went to Trader Joes to allegedly get healthy snacks for my son who is thin but trying to put on muscle. It was all calling to me. I finally just left my cart in an aisle and walked out. Separation is sometimes necessary. I don't know- somehow I felt better that I walked out. I can still smell the bread- shows you how "sick" I am....

[Bikini Dreader]

Good for you for walking out when you knew you were heading the wrong way. I hope that I'm that strong next time. I'm feeling better now. I did go to the gym tonight and worked hard and my calories today were not bad. So, you win some you lose some I guess.

Sorry your day didnt go so well but leaving Trader Joes was a definitely win for you!

[marny]

tommy-

Wow, you walked out. That is HUGE! Can you see yourself doing that a month ago? You were aware of your feelings, and you took action to take care of yourself and your program. You rock!

[marny]

mdl-

I ate out A LOT during my first year of abstinence. I didn't want to plan meals, shop for food, or cook it. I just didn't want to spend that much of my day thinking about it that much. I could instead go some where, order one serving, eat it, and leave. It really helped my program. It was more expensive than cooking at home, but my recovery was more important than saving a few bucks. And, to be honest, not doing everything possible to stay in recovery would have cost me a lot more.

I cook more now. I don't make elaborate stuff. Lots of oatmeal, sandwiches, and one pot cooking. I don't make anything that takes more than 30 minutes for the entire process, and I prefer stuff that can nuke in the microwave in 5 minutes. I eat a lot of the same things over and over because I know what to buy at the store without spending a lot of time planning it, and I know my portion sizes.

This worked for me-- may not work for someone else.

[patd]

Oh, how I can relate to the lonly feeling.

Right now cancer is ruling our lives in this household. My DH has it and he sleeps alot. I get very lonely and very bored and he can be in the same room only asleep.

Lonly is a hard feeling for me to deal with and not eat over and haven't been real successful at it but trying. It also makes me feel unloved, unwanted and depressed. So I try to let other people love me till I can love myself but that's also hard for me to do.

Well, didn't mean to whine anyone got some cheese, oops forgot not on my food plan today!

hugs to all
patd

[girl81]

I hope this doesn't offend you, but have you considered it may be depression?