I recently hit 60 days of abstinence just to throw it out the window. I'm not bingeing, but it does seem as if I'm testing myself by eating a bit of food off my food plan. A few days ago, it was two hershey kisses. This was the first bite of sugar I had in over 60 days. The day after, it was a very small piece of birthday cake. I told myself it was my bday and I deserved it. Thing is, it wasn't even a kind I like or really wanted. Then, today, it was a white pita instead of my usual whole wheat (first white flour I had!).

I don't know why all of a sudden I seem not to care. I'm not bingeing and I don't feel like I'm eating emotionally, but I just feel like I'm entitled to eat these things. I don't necessarily feel really guilty afterwards, but I know that physically I'm feeling a bit off because I've been eating that way.

So, I guess I'm back to day 1 with abstinence. It really sucks. I'm feeling a bit defeated and really having to push myself to do assignments, call people, and go to meetings right now. If anyone else found themselves in this position, or started going back to their old ways, please share any suggestions for how I can get myself back on track.

Thanks!

Hi, in my humble opinion the best thing to do is read the Big Book. Remember the story about the person who conned himself into believing he could have whiskey in a glass of milk and still stay sober.
Ours is a very cunning disease.
Read, read and read some more.
You will be fine. All so take steps one and two again.
Good luck, hugs,
Bumps

Bumps--Thanks for the advice. I really think you're right. I'm going back to step 1 and 2 and re-reading them carefully. I totally remember that story from the big book. I feel that i'm doing the exact same thing as he did, so I completely relate.

I'm also going to juggle my schedule however I can to get to some extra meetings this week.

Thanks again!

Hurray for you Ann, you rock.
I am so impressed with your weight loss. Somedays I feel upset about how MUCH weight I have to lose. How in the world did I get here. Then I get quiet and remember. I ate and ate and ate and ate somemore.
I do think it comes off as fast as it goes on...calories in calories out.
I also just finished step 3 and movin on to step 4 this week. My Sponsor is so wonderful, she can be tough but not too tough.
More Hugs,
Bumps

[quote=Ann72;1873932]. I don't necessarily feel really guilty afterwards, but I know that physically I'm feeling a bit off because I've been eating that way.

I hope you’re feeling ok. Your post really helped me today – reading your words reminded me that my recovery is ‘an inside job’! I think you have a great recovery and come across as very courageous and honest.
What OA offers me – once I am tapped into it in some way – is the sanity to WANT to eat only foods that nourish and sustain me and make me feel good. It amazes me that I lived so long completely ignoring my inner voice which only wished good for me.
My COE was truly ‘self-will-run-riot. I rode roughshod over any intuitive truth which attempted to be heard over the rushing noise of me eating what I insisted on eating so I could control my life and my emotions!
It’s a day at a time for me. My HP seems to keep new challenges coming as I go on. This week, I’ve let go artificial sweeteners – my hanging onto them is definitely a form of control! But intuitively, it did not sit right with me, and I now take a small amount of organic honey in hot drinks – I don’t seem to need it in yogurt or cereal. I found it hard to let those tiny balls of chemicals go – but they just don’t seem to fit in with my food plan which is all about wholesomeness and health and as organic as I can manage. It seems to be working ok – the honey is not making me want to binge on heaps of sugar – just for today! My sponsor suggested it's because my motivation is ok.
Thanks for sharing Ann – I can only stay abstinent if I can share and connect and relate to the struggle and courage of other members. This OA is the single most difficult journey I've ever taken, but I love it.