First time for everything...
Well, last night and today I have had the flu, so as much as I would LOVE to have said I have been abstinent from binging, I have now for 52 hours, however... the last 30 of that has been the flu I think. Today I had a first... I couldn't even look at food without wanting to get sick, eventhough I was hungry. I know part of it, well most of it, had to do with the flu, but there is a part of me that is grossed out with food right now... I watched my sister eat 4 pieces of chocolate cake, and I was like totally grossed out... I wasn't tempted at all, I was disgusted that she ate that much, thinking about how honestly I have been thinking of what I put in my mouth, and how much, and she's battled with bulimia for over 14 years and I have just started my "battle" with over eating... I looked at her grossed out... Then later my husband offered me a brownie, which usually I would be all over that, however I gagged at the thought of the brownie, which I know mostly had to do with being sick, but in the past, no matter how sick I was I would still have at least tried to eat the darn thing. I am truly looking forward to working on this, I know food will be a battle the rest of my life, but I am honestly looking forward to seeing how strong I can be, and how I can truly work with my tools and succeed, hopefully. It is very nice to not feel so full all the time that I can't breathe, and It also feels nice not to have constant reflux from eating too much of the wrong foods all the time, these past 2 days have been the fist in a very long time where I have not had constant reflux... so even though I probably have not lost any weight as of yet, I am already feeling better. (well in some ways... ) I did go grocery shopping tonight, to pick up some small things, which was kind of scary, but I did realize that I don't have to give up everything that i enjoy with food... I just cannot eat as much of it.. so once i realized that it became much easier for me while shopping. I did buy some healthier options in food, but I don't have to give up everything that tastes good... which was nice to realize I guess I worried I would have to eat cardboard for food, and that was a big fear of mine. And like yesterday I had made a nice big dinner for the family and invited my friend over, I told myself, and her I would have one plate and no returns for seconds and thirds like I usually do... I didn't even finish 1/2 of my first place, because I listened to my body, and ironically I was quite full, however I usually would push it so far I would become "numb" to the full feeling.. So I am trying to be very conscious of how much I eat, now as much what I eat... Not saying I won't eat food that is healthy, but saying I do not have to give everything up at once.
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