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Old 05-07-2014, 06:55 PM   #1
Finding my mind :)
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Default Struggling with Feeling Invisible

Does anyone else have this??? Because being very frank, not trying to be offensive or inflammatory here- my size at present is quite overweight, but not obese, so no one really notices me for that, but they also don't notice me for being attractive or whatever either. I'm in this weird in-between frumpy/invisible state. I don't have a super boisterous type personality, for another thing. My look is just "blah" generally so I feel like people (ok, members of the opposite sex LOL) look right through me. I know I need to work on confidence, self esteem, and all that, but I feel frustrated that the heavier I am the more invisible I seem.

I'm going to start dating again soon (not quite ready yet) and that exacerbates the issue. How can I meet a nice guy if he doesn't even notice me? And then I think, if I were to start meeting guys when I lose weight (Hehe, 'cause it's a FOR SURE thing ) would I then wonder if they only like me now because I'm not fat, how come they never noticed me before, etc. That kind of thing. Maybe this isn't the right forum, but it's looks related (and admittedly shallow, I know).

ETA: I should add here that my flirting attempts when heavier are met with disinterest, every time. Maybe I'm after the wrong guys (broken picker?) but I do try to engage ones I like. Maybe my flirting is too subtle, but I usually try to warm up a little with small talk and glances, etc. I have good intuition and I can tell when a guy is interested, and lately- they never are. Yes my confidence sucks but I can fake it and I can be pretty friendly/flirty/forward when I want to - after all, I do approach and engage some guys.

Last edited by nostoneunturned; 05-07-2014 at 06:59 PM.
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Old 05-08-2014, 03:04 PM   #2
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Just remember that different people have different tastes - there are plenty of men out there who like "flufflier" girls. But for those who dont, we cant really blame them. I mean, look at the guys you're interested in - are they heavier? Or are they fairly fit or otherwise average men? Men are way more visually oriented than us females so if you yourself are not that interested in heavier members of the opposite gender, then a man will probably generally be way more inclined to this mindset than you. Does that make sense? Basically, you can't be blamed for what you like and neither can they - at the end of the day it's nothing personal, its just preference. That's how I look at it, anyway

Like you say, keep working on your confidence as it is definitely a major thing that makes people attractive, so you're on the right track there in my opinion.

And heck yeah, work on getting fit too. Let's be real - most people want or would prefer someone with a hot bod given the choice and you will definitely widen your net of potential suitors as you continue to increase your fitness level.

Just try to take the personal feelings out of it - its not about YOU being invisible - you're definitely not, but if you want to get further in the 'game' , increasing your fitness level is definitely a way to open more doors. Again, all this is just my opinion but I hope this helps somewhat.
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:31 AM   #3
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I also do not have a boisterous personality and I feel invisible in a group all of the time even after losing weight. I am very much an introvert so I have trouble "being noticed" but then I think.... What is with this need to be noticed? It is very silly once you think about. Being "noticed" does not validate anything.

I find that Folks like us have to work on letting go of our shame when trying to meet people. Not "shame" where we are ashamed we are fat but philosophical shame. Throw it to the wind. Be upfront with meeting people. It actually does not require confidence, just nerve and a new angle on How Not To Give A F---! About anything other people think. Yes, you will fail spectacularly, but you meant to do that and it gets funny once you dwell in the land of How Not To Give A F---!

Since I prefer men who are also mainly introverts, this presents a problem. Where are you meeting people? Most guys who flirt aggressively and hit on chicks are completely unappealing to me so bars are senseless and awful places. Try introvert hangouts... except when we are not home, alone, with a book on Saturday night...and then YOU be the one doing the noticing.
You'll make someone's day too.

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Last edited by Earthling; 05-10-2014 at 11:18 AM.
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Old 05-12-2014, 08:44 AM   #4
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Based on the description you gave us of yourself I wouldn't be too interested in dating you either. Our self perception is what comes across to other people, our self-confidence is the number one factor in attracting people to us. A person can be beautiful, talented, intelligent, interesting or what have you. But as soon as I realize that the person has a low self esteem I distance myself. That's just normal human behavior.

So let's start again, can you tell us all the wonderful things that you love about yourself? All the things about you that make you interesting and attractive?

Also, posture.... posture is a big indicator of self-love. The better your posture the more pride you feel in yourself and obviously the better you take care of yourself too. How's your posture?

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
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Old 05-12-2014, 02:38 PM   #5
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Do something for yourself that will make you feel pretty. A new hairstyle, a mani/pedi, a cool new dress. Something that boosts your self-confidence. I always feel better about myself when I take more care in getting dressed to go out.
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Old 05-17-2014, 08:28 PM   #6
Finding my mind :)
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Thanks all, I kind of forgot a bit about my gripes here..

Be upfront with meeting people. It actually does not require confidence, just nerve and a new angle on How Not To Give A F---! About anything other people think.
I think I am totally in love with this statement. Beautiful.

Based on the description you gave us of yourself I wouldn't be too interested in dating you either.
I love this too, thanks for your honesty. LOL. Yeah I know, My confidence is super cruddy. I noticed last weekend I felt much better when I put more effort in to my appearance, put on a cute outfit that looked good despite the fact I do not love my body ATM. I walked around and didn't feel invisible or hideous or anything, just comfortable and happy. And to address your other point, because it is a good one, my posture is not very good. I tend to hunch my shoulders, I think a habit from childhood to make myself "lesser." Today I tried to hold my head up and walked with a confident gait- fake it til you make it right?!

Anyways maybe it's all a moot. Since I am losing weight in a measurable context I feel more confident overall already. I know there are many who would say confidence shouldn't be about how you look, blah blah blah, but it is inextricably linked for some (most?) of us, you know? If you improve your appearance, you likely just feel so much more. It's unfair and unfortunate but it is life in this highly materialized society.

(But I seriously do love Earthling's land of How Not to GAF I want IN!)

Last edited by nostoneunturned; 05-17-2014 at 08:31 PM.
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