Yes, we are ALL too hard on ourselves. Is this a female trait I wonder? I don't see my dh doing it.....

Becky-- I haven't heard that about fat?! Is it true? I'll be looking in the mirrors at yoga later hoping to see it fall off....

Dh left for China for another few weeks. He was home for almost a month which is the longest in a very long time. I got quite used to him being home so I'm feeling a bit blue now. However, part of me is feeling freed-- I can workout when I want and eat what I want (and watch the TV shows I want)....

Enjoying my new car.... I need to figure all the bells and whistles out though. This morning I needed to use the windshield wipers and I couldn't find them!! I looked on the right of the steering column and nothing was there. I finally found them incorporated into the left part-- I knew the blinkers were there so I wasn't looking for wipers too.

Great. Jay !

Another great one !

But the number on the scale DOES tell me how much flab is accumulating on my butt and thighs, whether my pants fit, and how little I can eat of foods I enjoy without going back to "overweight" status.

Sorry, but I'm really, really bitter these days. I didn't say in my post yesterday that I successfully adhered to a strict 1200 cal/day for over 3 weeks (200 cal between break/lunch and then 1000 cal for dinner) without losing a single pound. But the minute I binged - for 1 night (on the 30th), the next day I was up 3 pounds. And yeah, 2 pounds of that were bloat, but 3 weeks of strict 1200/day with 5 days/week of vigorous gym activity SHOULD F*CKING WELL CAUSE ME TO LOSE WEIGHT. The binge was directly related to a nearly unbearable level of self-pity. I feel like the rat whose entire cage is electrified. There is no safe zone.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. Yes, JayEll, you are quite right. I just can't approach that mindset right now, with all my pants pulling across my *** and unattractive "saddlebags" making a return appearance at the tops of my thighs. You'd think my self-worth would be gauged by more than my waist size, but apparently not so much.

I'm finding that, for whatever reason, I am much more accepting of my physical flaws these days. Yeah, I have a belly and chunky thighs. And I've got and had a big butt all my life since adolescence.

But I am strong enough to work all day with big dogs (I figured out I walk approx. 2.5 TONS of dogs per week ), I have defined muscles underneath the padding, and I am happy with the way my clothes fit as I've learned to NOT wear what looks bad.

A 2-3 lb. gain does not throw me into a tizzy (or ruin my day or week) these days.

Dagmar

neurodoc, you have scientific training. Your hypothesis is that 1200 calories per day, split as 200 all day and 1000 at dinner, plus vigorous exercise should cause you to lose weight. You have just disproved that hypothesis. No need to test it further, I think. You need a new hypothesis.

As for the electrified cage--you built that cage and put yourself in it, then flipped the switch.

Please find a way to let yourself out of that cage. Be kind. A happy life shouldn't be something you get only when everything is perfect and under control.

I hope you feel better!

Jay

Yes neurodoc Jayell has said it well.

I hope you can feel better about yourself too.

And the same wishes to everyone else who is struggling.

Dagmar

Jay, I am glad you are posting again - hope you stay around! This tendency-to-type A, overachieving perfectionist learned a whole lot of new things from you a few years back and my life is definitely better for it.

michele, the fat thing comes from the Support forums and while it doesn't hold true for everybody (what does?), there seems to be a lot of anecdotal support. "Happy fat" that has had a long term residency on the body seems to be firmer and more attached to skin and muscle. Caloric deprivation *seems* to make it begin to break down somehow - maybe it's the loss of inflammation, the water, etc - but those that experience it notice that the flab gets jigglier, lumpier, and moves differently. Call it the "melting" phenomenon. From there, it tends to be followed by an inch reduction. I had it happen when I lost in 2009 (the big loss), but not so much when I've been losing from 155-148 range ... without exercise. Now, with the swimming I am doing significant work, and I am seeing some rather, uh, disconcerting similar changes. It's icky yet familiar and inspiring - IF then end result is still true!

andrea, I respect your training and career choice immensely - and anybody who can mother more than one kid at a time, maintain a marriage, and still pull off any time to exercise is a role model, in my eyes. I can't even begin to suggest what the next move might be for you in trying to solve this. I fully understand the negative emotion ... but woman, "you gots to let this go". The stress is going to kill you a whole lot faster than a couple extra pounds will.

I understand completely.

I know I've said in the past that my body tends to "like" being the weight I am now. It seems that regardless of how I eat, this weight is super easy to maintain. I almost feel like my body has been programmed to weigh exactly this amount. This is the exact same weight I was when I got married, when I started my first diet, second diet and third diet--the third being the one that brought me here. Well, at that third one I'd actually done some harm and was up about 10 pounds from where I am now.

But does it make me happy? NO! None of my golf shorts fit except one pair and golf season is starting here. My jeans are too tight. Several pair of my cute capri pants no longer fit. And yes, I am bitter about this, too.

But, repeating my "mentality" about this from yesterday, I feel that if I am to continue with what I'm doing and maintaining this weight without further gain for just a bit longer (until I can really wrap my head around a full-fledged diet again) should allow me to lose quite a few right off the bat and that usually is the impetus I need to continue to lose.

Allison I know what you mean about the "body's happy" weight. My body wants to be at about 136 lbs. It has since I was a teenager. I have varied from that to as low as 106 lbs. (still have two chipped teeth when my starving body fainted in the school bathroom) and up to an all time high of 152 (when the menopausal hormones raged for 2 years).

But eventually, if I eat generally well, with a few binges, holidays and some beer thrown in, I even out at about 134-137 lbs. I have now, for the most part, accepted this and am content to be a strong and healthy as possible.

Dagmar :

I'm not sure what my body wants to weigh. When I was gaining, I feared there was no stopping. Even though I ate more or less healthy, overall I ate too much and didn't exercise enough. I was slowly gaining and then when I had the beginnings of my thyroid issues, I gained quickly. I was fearful of getting to 200 pounds. I felt like if I got there, there was no going back and I would keep gaining. Fear got me going, plus I was trying to be a good example for my eldest dd who has also always struggled with her weight.

My weight is down a pound today. Under my really scary weight I saw earlier this week but still too far from my redline to see it without glasses! I'm wondering if I repeat what I did yesterday more or less- lather, rinse, repeat-- will I see another loss tomorrow? Or will my body have figured it out and maintain or gain.... hmmm....

Neurodoc: Hugs to you. You exercised such tremendous willpower to stick to your rigorous plan, only to have it pay you back with nothing except frustration and anger. I have no advice - of course the scientific side of my brain agrees that your plan SHOULD have worked, but that is absolutely no help to you. I just echo what the other ladies have said - you are a fantastically talented, hardworking, caring person and the scale doesn't alter that.

Like several of you, I too am officially well over my redline. And a big hypocrite to boot. Yesterday I said that I'd likely gain a bit, since I've not been watching calories due to work stress the last few weeks, and that's OK. Well, last night I went home and panicked that things were getting too out of control, so I weighed myself. Normally I weigh once a month to keep things consistent, and NEVER when I'm super PMS-bloated like I am right now. So basically I weighed last night to punish myself with a number. And boy was it an ugly number.

Michele: I too don't really know what my body "wants" to weigh. I used to think that I had a "set point", but I've had several different ones in the past year so now I think that my body just mirrors my behavior - for good or bad.

This. This this this this this. This is my new mantra.

Andrea, I wonder if the rigid structure that you followed those three weeks hurt you rather than helped. You introduced a drastically different pattern foodwise a short period of time, you exercised a lot for that calorie level, and you heightened your stress worrying about it. I would imagine that your cortisol is through the roof right now. I wonder if things would start to move for you once things got settled in?

How did it work for you doing the 200 cals during the day and 1000 cals at dinner, prior to the stress binge? Did it feel good or did you have to force yourself to adhere to it every day?

Sending more supportive hugs to you Andrea. I'm sorry you are experiencing such a frustrating time.