IDK Allison... doesn't sound too entirely rational to me but I'm not really one to talk. My weight is down a little today but still WAY over my redline. I used to think I'd NEVER reach my redline-- ha ha-- now I'm wondering if I'll EVER see it again....

It's all perspective though. In my eyes, I look 6 months preggo as my weight is all in my tummy (most anyway). Yesterday I wore a dress that I was very self-conscious about because I know it used to look much better on me. A teacher came up to me and said how amazing the dress was and how most people couldn't pull off a dress like that. So, while all I see all day is my huge tummy, it is possible that other people aren't entirely obsessed with my pooch.

Allison - I got frustrated in July after maintaining at this high weight for a long time. The first few pounds did come off easily, but then everything stopped again and I'm all frustrated again. So maybe not crazy, but might not be great for us long term.

Michele - DH and other people keep telling me that I look great, but I see myself and don't believe it. Then I went to a wedding last weekend and looked pretty darn good. Maybe I need to change my perspective.

Andrea - I've been struggling with the weight and other drama in my personal life, and when I do that I tend to not post. I need to get past that though, as writing things out is often the touchstone I need to get past it.

Things are starting to settle down I hope.

This is valuable to remember - most of us are fretting over weight that is essentially vanity weight, right? (Although I know that for me, losing a bit more would definitely help with my running as well.) In any case, there is nothing stopping any of us from going to an event, dressing well for it and looking great.

Perspective like this helps me relax, because when I go over my calorie limit for the day and beat myself up over it, it joins the long list of things I'm already beating myself up over, and it's too much.

Allison, your rationale is similar to mine, and the way it worked out is that after seeing the higher number long enough my brain clicked to "on" and I am actively trying to do something about it. It's the waiting for the inspiration that's a little maddening.

michele, you definitely are tough on yourself! I am sure you did rock that dress!

shannon, I've created posts this week and ended up erasing them. I completely agree with you that getting these posts in is a step toward getting past whatever it is, so I'll commit to finishing this one with a true update.

andrea, I empathize with the home stuff. My off-plan moments are currently DIRECTLY related to when I make the mistake of going online to see DS14's grades. Talk about creating strife on the homefront!

So ... I'm now a swim team member again. The water still feels like crap, I am not strong enough yet to get through a workout without flailing and fighting with my technique, and frankly, I'm a useless goob for 12 hours afterward. I started experiencing UTI symptoms last Tuesday which came and went depending on how much cranberry concentrate and colloidal silver I could stuff down myself. I caved in yesterday after the previous night involved some signs of fever and went to the walk-in clinic at work. So now I'm on Cipro for 5 days, but I was cautioned not to swim tonight because Cipro can have a weird side effect of causing tendon damage. Nor am I supposed to be doing any wine tasting tomorrow after the 4 mile run. And DS has been forgetting/not doing school assignments, just enough to stay under the academic requirements for being on the swim team. It's all self-sabotage, a story we all know way too well. I finally figured out last night how to get the fire back in his eyes - promised him that if he recovered the grades by Nov 1, he could stay on the local team for another year and not go out for the school team. Get this - he thinks that the extra workouts will make it hard to study. <facepalm>. Teenage logic. Is it murder if they have it coming???? DH is no help at all - it's hunting season and all he can think about is escaping to the woods. Despite the fact that $%^& deer parade through the yard just after dawn and just before sunset EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. I could run up and bite one to death, I swear. The scale? Stalled. And remember how when extra weight begins to loosen its hold, that it gets all soft and dimply and detached, before it comes off? I am covered in it from ribcage to knees. Oh, and those gorgeous, sweet little bunnies of mine? Chewed a 2" diameter hole in the middle of my living room carpeting, for the **** of it. Hasenpfefer!!! No, I didn't. But I thought about it.

Deeeeeep breath. No, honestly, I don't feel better yet.

It IS quite maddening, isn't it? You'd think that DD's upcoming wedding or the idea of another European trip (this one with a variety of girlfriends from high school) would be the impetus that I need, yet neither are working. Or maybe they're too far in the future? I mean 9-10 months from now. I think I may need a deadline.

In any case, right now I just don't have the wherewithal to put a plan together.

Becky, I responded before reading your whole post. Wow. Hugs, dear! It'll get better. Hasenpfefer! lol

Becky - I snickered at your hasenpfefer. All I could hear was an old bugs bunny cartoon in my head. It will get better honey, I'm sorry everything is so crazy. I kind of understand DS's logic though - I've been there more than once in different situations. Though, to say that he has to keep his grades to low to make the school swim team, otherwise practice will interfere with his grades? Kind of circular. Couldn't he just not be on the school swim team?

A deer walked in front of my car this morning. Stopped for a minute, looked at me, walked on. Pretty. And one minute in either direction and I would have been coming around a blind corner as it walked into the road and hit it.

Me, I'm struggling with the usual question that defines my life: Where does sensible maintenance behavior for a woman who lost 107 pounds cross into an eating disorder and a symptom of obsessive-compulsive behavior?

And I had a binge yesterday. Standing up in the kitchen in the afternoon, thinking about urgent stuff at work, shelling & eating unsalted pistachios, one after the other. This hasn't happened in months, but it happened yesterday. Yes, I managed to stop and leave the kitchen. But my brain shut off.

Look, it's about my life, not my weight. Always is. The weight is a metaphor. For whether I'm doing okay as a female being in this world. Whether I've got "it" all under control.

Last week, with my mother visiting, me tiptoeing around my apartment at 4:30 AM, intent on getting into workout clothes & to the gym & then getting work done, I actually forgot it was Friday & that I ought to weigh myself. I honestly forgot, it wasn't one of those "forgot" things. So I've been unaware & I have to say it's been freeing, not to flog myself with that, to just say, "Look, I'm doing what I can -- in the gym every day -- eating maybe too many pistachios and apples, but it's not junk food -- I am glad I'm not also thinking about five pounds constantly."

We'll see how long this attitude lasts, because I know when it lasts too long, I put on weight.

So I am becoming more normal, or am I like a freezing person who's slowly going numb & hallucinating, and I am about to freeze up my body within a large block of fat.

I'm just escaping from a two week virus during which my routine fell away. Protecting myself and getting better were the priorities.

Allison, I think you and I probably have to lose more than vanity weight. I can look stout from some angles and, as the kiddies say, that is not a good look for me. Not much good for my health, either.

I've been weighing myself every day for weeks. Hurray! Good habit (for me) reinstated.

I've started exercising again post virus. Hurray!

Group hug?

This killed me.

From Saef (how do you quote multiple people in one response btw?):
"So I've been unaware & I have to say it's been freeing, not to flog myself with that, to just say, "Look, I'm doing what I can -- in the gym every day -- eating maybe too many pistachios and apples, but it's not junk food -- I am glad I'm not also thinking about five pounds constantly.
We'll see how long this attitude lasts, because I know when it lasts too long, I put on weight."

This is exactly how I feel. Free (temporarily) from the additional mental stress of weight worry, but aware that there will be a price to pay. However, if it's 2 pounds in exchange for 2 weeks of being able to focus entirely on the critical things, I will pay it.

ETA: I will only allow this for two weeks of work craziness. I cannot forget entirely about calories in the long run - I know that.

I misread ETA in JayZeeJay's post. Yes, as EAT.

OK.

I haven't been weighing or dieting or counting or anything for about a month now. My weight is up but it's still vanity levels. DH keeps saying that he'll start "being healthy" again in November when we're in the new house. That is kinda disheartening as he's really binge eating every single night. And he was about 60 lbs. overweight when this started.

I'm on again, off again. Too much to do in October to add maintenance and/or dieting to the mountain. I know I won't gain 100 lbs. this month but I might gain 5-7. I can and will take them off before Christmas but I need some time to rest and think and recharge.

November first. D-Day for Dagmar.

Dagmar

Instead of hitting the "quote" button, click on the "+ button next to it. Then continue on each post you want to quote until you get to the LAST one you want to quote and hit the quote button on that one. Then you get all the posts you want to quote and you can pare it down as needed and add your comments.

I wish I could help all of you with your struggles. I wish I had the words that would either solve your weight/food conundrums, or change your ways of seeing youselves and your lives so that weight and food etc. are no longer issues.

I want to tell you that you are all such precious beings! You all have such value, so many abilities--but you are more than your performance at your many tasks, more than how you look, more than your clothing size or BMI. More than what others may think of you.

Your lives can be easier. Your days can be more a flow than an endurance trial.

Please, take a look around you, at all you have, all the wonderful things of the world. This doesn't last forever. Be kind. Be joyful!

Jay

Something we should all remember.