I recognise this kind of feeling (that krampus has just outlined) when I jump the tracks. For me, it's to do with needing/wanting to do something just for me when I've been doing things for other people all day long and this will continue into the evening. It's hacking out time for oneself in the way people do when they have a cigarette break.
Thanks for all the thoughts and questions, everyone. I've analyzed and thought and read and gone back over these incidences, and I think it's a combination of quite a few things (in no particular order):
1. I was, at one point, over-restricting and then binging in reaction to that (Krampus, is that where you were headed?) and I do think there's still an element of that, because . . .
2. I have "issues" with sugar and don't know how to be moderate with it. So I'm either on or off with it, all or nothing.
3. I do overeat out of the confluence of factors that Silverbirch and saef mention. For me, I eat to fill up empty space, as well as to procrastinate things I don't want to do (usually because I don't know how to do them and am afraid I will fail).
All of the above are involved, but honestly? I think the biggest reason these episodes happen now is
4. Habit. I've developed and established a pattern - when it happens, what I eat, how I feel before, during, and after -and when those circumstances align (say, every 2, 3, or 4 weeks?) I follow that pattern to its conclusion.
When I said in my earlier post that I was disappointed in myself, what I think I mean is that I succumbed to the pattern, even when I knew what was happening. I was disappointed in my choice. And I do think that, for me, it is/was a choice.
So, there's my overanaysis for the day!
Oh, the packing and cleaning isn't terrible. It's a little stressful, of course, like moving can be, but mostly I'm happy to be able to help out. Wait, ask me again on Saturday after five days of it.
I'm continuing to read the book "Ditching Diets" (almost done now, actually) and one of the most important points the author makes is this: "your feeling of desire [for the food] doesn’t make you overeat. You overeat because you want that feeling of unsatisfied desire to go away." And, JenMusic is spot-on (did you read the book?) when she says "I think the biggest reason these episodes happen now is 4. Habit. I've developed and established a pattern." That pretty much sums up the Ditching Diets book; the author makes a strong case for overeating being a learned (conditioned) response to an event or a feeling, that can just as easily be "unlearned" by simply allowing yourself to experience the trigger and feel the feeling of desire without fulfilling it, but acknowledging that you have free will and that you are choosing not to fulfill that desire at that moment.
Andrea, that's one book I haven't read. But I did get some of the ideas about the habituation of my overeating from Brain Over Binge, as well as my reading and using (forever ago) the Beck book. I think that's one reason that those principles of CBT have worked for me, because I was able to break some bad habits and build some good ones.
Just because I'm curious, how has your evening snacking habit been going? That was something you were struggling with for awhile, right?
It might be time to bring out some of my old Beck techniques - response cards and all.
I'm continuing to read the book "Ditching Diets" (almost done now, actually) and one of the most important points the author makes is this: "your feeling of desire [for the food] doesn’t make you overeat. You overeat because you want that feeling of unsatisfied desire to go away." And, JenMusic is spot-on (did you read the book?) when she says "I think the biggest reason these episodes happen now is 4. Habit. I've developed and established a pattern." That pretty much sums up the Ditching Diets book; the author makes a strong case for overeating being a learned (conditioned) response to an event or a feeling, that can just as easily be "unlearned" by simply allowing yourself to experience the trigger and feel the feeling of desire without fulfilling it, but acknowledging that you have free will and that you are choosing not to fulfill that desire at that moment.
I've been thinking a lot this week about learned responses, and all night about what Andrea said about free will. My stepson has been sick this week, and I believe a lot of his has been caused by learned responses to physical symptoms and he's making himself sick. But I could be wrong about that, and it could be something serious. He's at the doctor with DH and XW now and I feel very out of control and out of the loop on this whole situation. My learned response to him being sick has been wanting to overeat. I've managed to resist it the last three days, but I can feel it every minute. I've opened doors and opened drawers and stared at food, but I'm trying hard not to pick it up. I didn't do as well as I could have on Monday, but yesterday and today have been better. It is definitely learned, and I don't understand why. When I overeat I feel terrible, what about that do I like? Why does satisfying the urge to eat with something that makes me feel literally awful appeal to me? Because obviously it does for some reason.
Habits can be hard to overcome. That said, they are also hard to establish--at least some of the good habits. They say you have to do something for like 4 to 6 weeks in order to make it a habit. Does that mean not doing it for 4 to 6 weeks breaks a habit?
Finally, after a month of so-so eating due to social engagements and just plain laziness, the scale is moving downward. It gives me hope.
DS graduates tonight! DD is coming in town for the ceremony, but it'll be a close call. Her last final is this afternoon and then she has to drive here, drop off her kitties and pick up her ticket and then rendezvous with us. I need to remember to charge my cell phone this afternoon so it doesn't die tonight as I'm sure she'll be calling/texting to find us.
Hugs Shannon. Hope your stepson is okay. I know what you mean. Why do we do something foodwise that we KNOW will cause us GUILT, weight gain, etc?? It isn't rational. But I guess sometimes neither are we.....
I have a challenge today. Basically everything out of my norm is a challenge I think.... little OCD here.... I am getting to go to an author luncheon today. One of my favorite things in the world is to get to meet authors. Today is Annie Barrows-- she did the Ivy and Bean series. We didn't get the details until very late so most of the other librarians in the district can't make it. I can only make it because I had a class change days which gave me an opening. So, I will be offered lunch of some sort. If it was a bigger group, I could politely decline but in a very small group it will be more noticeable. So, I'm bringing some snacks (probably for the car) and hope there's some fruit that I can munch on. I am weighing in for the month on Saturday and am far from where I prefer, so I really don't want to go up any higher.
My problem with overeating/binging often stems from boredom and sometimes a feeling of entitlement. When I find myself standing in front of the open refrigerator and staring at the contents and repeat in 10 minutes, I know I am not really hungry.
I also suffer from the, I am a grown women with my own income, I can eat whatever I want, this most often happens when I am in the grocery store passing through the cookie, candy, ice cream section.
Sometimes I have to reprimand myself and be my own mother.
Michele - anything out of the norm is a challenge for me, too. I am definitely pattern locked.
I don't know what is going on with DSS. I'm pretty freaked out over the whole thing. He's been with XW all week, since Monday. He was with us all weekend. Monday morning at 3am he woke up sick, but we were pretty sure it was because he hadn't slept all weekend (got up every day for four days at 3-4 am) and had barely eaten. On Sunday he ate very little all day. At 3am when he was sick we thought it was that - DH and other family members get very sick, even to nausea, if they don't eat. The symptoms looked like that. Since then he hasn't eaten much all week, has awakened at 3-4 am every day dry heaving, and this morning at 3am he threw up the 3/4 pbj he had last night. That pbj was the first real food he's had since Monday night - he's been running on pediasure clear and saltines for a week. I worry now that I ignored something real on Sunday when he said he had a headache - I assumed his head hurt because he got up and started playing at 2:30 am instead of sleeping, and after three days of up between 3-4 that he was just tired and the not eating just made it worse. My head hurts when I don't eat or sleep. Now he's been home from school for four days, low grade fever (99.4-99.8, which isn't out of the normal range for him by much) most days, hasn't really eaten and I wonder if by ignoring Monday morning and thinking he did it to himself with his stubborness that I've hurt him. I haven't heard anything from the doctor visit yet, but DH was going to have them draw blood for a cbc panel I think. And just writing about it makes me want to eat. Bah.
Shannon, do not take blame for something that is not your fault. He is where he should be right now, at a doctor's office.
I se that you are under a lot of stress lately. I have noticed this but haven't commented as I really have no solution for you but I see several factors at work, DSS, your job, your physical health all could play a part. Take care of yourself , you are doing the best you can.
Shannon, I second Bargoo. Whatever is happening isn't your fault. You did what was right based on his history and your knowledge. I'll be thinking of you and DSS. And yes, take care of yourself. Can you take a walk outside? Get some fresh air?
Thanks guys. I'm trying really hard not to freak out. They drew blood today and we should get the results from the first test tomorrow at the latest, the rest will take five days.
Had a banana smeared with a tbsp. of peanut butter for dessert tonight. WHY HAVE I NEVER EATEN THIS? It was delicious, and totally satisfying. Despite being 200 calories (1/6 of my daily total), I may just have to make room for one every couple of days for awhile.
Jen, I've managed to avoid evening overeating for the last 2+ weeks except for 2 evenings by a combination of white-knuckling through it and really pushing the mental tricks (listening to the clamor of my desire but telling myself it's just a "lower brain" habit, and telling myself that I am choosing to not eat because I'm not actually hungry). It's definitely getting a little easier now.
Michele, today I was cheerfully working in my office when I got asked to join a group of 6 office staff to celebrate someone's birthday. I felt imposed on, but the woman whose birthday they were celebrating is someone who helps me often so I didn't feel like I could blow it off. Sure enough, they cut GIANT slices of a beautiful red velvet cake for everyone. I felt only momentarily guilty for saying "no thank you." And when that got followed up with "are you sure you don't want just a little?" I replied that I find it easier to not eat any than to fight the cravings I get if I start with "just a little." I don't think I was rude, and didn't even have to eat a token amount. You seem to have many social engagements you can't escape; can you try something similar?
Shannon, not worth beating yourself up. If you had done something more on Sunday, it wouldn't have made a difference. A virus (which is almost certainly what he has) just has to run its course.
Had a banana smeared with a tbsp. of peanut butter for dessert tonight. WHY HAVE I NEVER EATEN THIS? It was delicious, and totally satisfying. Despite being 200 calories (1/6 of my daily total), I may just have to make room for one every couple of days for awhile
Andrea - have you had PB2? You could then have 2 tablespoons for a total of 150 cals!!! One of my fav treats!
