Having a very tough time...
 

Hey all!

I haven't been posting in chat this week because I am in a very bad place emotionally. Please feel free NOT to keep reading if you don't want to see a total pity party.

DH and I went to visit his niece and her husband over the weekend. I ate like a total PIG all weekend, including what must have been at least 2000 calories worth of trail mix in one sitting. I also did not exercise for 2 days in a row other then walking a few miles one of the days at a leisurely pace around downtown Albany.

I came home prepared to get back on track and have done pretty well all week and still am 2.5 pounds above my "red line" weight. I was really discouraged this morning and then we went to visit a rehab place that we refer to and they greeted us with a HUGE lunch spread. My weakness- free food! - I stuffed myself there, INCLUDING a piece of carrot cake - BTW - I don't even LIKE carrot cake!!

I am in total relapse mode. I am ashamed and discouraged and I feel like a total and complete FRAUD. I've had thoughts creep into my head like - oh well, maybe your weight was too low and 5 pounds higher is okay. To me this is like the alcoholic saying 1 beer ain't so bad.

Part of this I know is complete and total cabin fever. But just today the Judge that I work with and who is trying to lose weight called me his inspiration and I just wanted to cry because I know that it is all bullshit.

Anyway, I guess I've rambled on enough - thanks to everyone who is still reading....

Jen

I'm not in maintenance and don't have any advice but just wanted give you hugs. :hug:

Your success story was one of the first ones I ever read when I joined 3FC and you are such an inspiration to me.

One bad day doesn't mean you have to give up, it just means you are human!

You are an amazing person and have given so many of us helpful advice. I hope one of us is able to help you now.

Jen, we all have times like these. :hugs: The important thing to remember is that you can put it behind you. 2.5 lbs may seem like a big deal now, but in time you will get past it. Focus on taking really good care of yourself. Now is the time for some non-food pampering.

Starting Weight: 344

Imagine reading your post at 344 pounds. Could you even imagine?

I think every. single. maintainer has struggled with/is struggling with being a little higher than "goal weight." Are we all relapsing frauds because we overeat a bit on a weekend away or have a bad day?

As far as exercise goes I know it's addictive and I feel itchy and guilty if I miss a day or two. But trainers and doctors DO recommend occasional breaks, "refeeds," things of that nature - for physical AND mental health.

Show yourself the same kindness and empathy you show others! You deserve it!

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Yes, we maintainers all have days/weeks/months that we are experiencing what you are talking about. Heck-- sometimes in one day I go back and forth between being proud of myself and being disgusted with myself. I also went on a trip around when you did-- for 24 hours-- and, yes-- I came back 4 pounds up. Realistically I knew I didn't really gain four pounds... But has it come off? Only two so far... I know it is so very frustrating.

But, listen to what Krampus said. Can you imagine your 344 self reading what you wrote??? You probably would have wanted to smack her-- and thought-- what does she have to complain about?! Right!?!?!?!

Obviously, you can take off the 2.5 extra pounds. Who cares if it takes 2.5 months? (you do, I know). The important thing is to think about WHY you lost weight and how much your life has changed. Don't let the 2.5 become 25 or more.... I know you won't. You are terrifically inspirational. I love reading your blog.

I had a co-worker comment on how awesome I look today. I am not happy with my weight at the moment. I had to step back and not say-- oh-- but I want to be 8 pounds lighter-- she wouldn't have wanted to hear that. She was giving me a true compliment. She meant it, just like the law partner when he said it to you.

Hugs to you.....

Be kind to yourself. You have accomplished something amazing and are human! I admire you--even if you are 2.5 lbs above your red line.

Jen, Do you think I never have days, weeks like this ? Of course I do, only I pig out on things like soda crackers and butter, lots of butter or my favorite Winter Wheat Bread with butter, lots of butter and honey. Do you think I kick myself around the block for doing it? I sure do. What do I do about it ? I don't beat myself up over it and as soon as I come to my senses I get right back on plan.
I have confidence in you that you will get back on track. Do not be discouraged or ashamed you are human and you will overcome this.

Every maintainer has and will go through the same. I think the main difference between those of us who prove the longterm stats wrong and those who are part of those stats are that we don't let that negative inner voice discourage us to the point that we give up. Instead, we keep putting one foot in front of the other. I had an epiphany this time around when I lost weight: I realized all the other times I had yo-yoed, the main reason I regained is that I gave up. At some point when I would relapse, I would get discouraged and throw in the towel and, ultimately, regain everything I had lost.

This time, my attitude is different. At some point in December or so, I posted on the Weight Loss Support forum that maintenance was easier than I thought. I must have jinxed myself because no more than a few weeks later, I seem to be struggling. I know I've gained 2-3 pounds, but I can't seem to get 100% back on track. But you know what? I refuse to give up. I am still calorie counting, exercising, etc. , and I am 95% back on track. Ultimately, I know I will power through this, and you will, too!

Don't panic. Trust yourself. One or even several relapse events does not mean that you will throw away all the habits you've cultivated since you lost.

Hi Jen,

I've had a bad eating week too... money worries triggering mild depression followed by self-medication with too much food... Then I feel I should quit the maintenance support group because I gained a few pounds when I said I would lose weight. So I feel like a failure and a phony unworthy of the nice people I've met here on this site. Sound familiar? It's nice to know other actual human beings have these setbacks too. Thanks for your openness.

I've been in the same place for about 2 weeks. And I've never actually hit goal weight again since 2008. But I still am a maintainer - just temporarily derailed. I am getting back on track this long weekend. We go forward, then back. And then forward again. This is for life. So change will be your only constant.

It's frustrating as heck sometimes but dealing with it gets easier over time.

Dagmar :dizzy:

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words and the support. Chris, bargoo and Dagmar - I wouldn't wish this miserable feeling on anyone, but it does mean a lot to know that other people that I admire go through the same thing at times.

This winter has been very hard on me, and I know that boredom and cold contribute to this in me.

It's not the weight as much as it is the mental part of this. I feel like I am obsessed with food right now and I just want to eat and eat and eat.

Jen

Get out of my head! This has been me all week. Today is the first day I've shown even a modicum of restraint. I ate to the point of feeling sick yesterday and then ate some more. What is that?? I don't want to be that person anymore, ever.

It helps to know that others are struggling, especially when those others are people who have had long-term success maintaining their weight loss. It shows me that we can choose not to give up, as Lin said.

Spring is (technically) only 32 days away. Hang in there, Jen!

Winter is so hard! When I become obsessed with food and just want to eat I try (try is the operative word - I don't always succeed) to do one of 2 things:

1. Take a nap. Sometimes I need to hibernate to get through it.
2. Force myself to go out, usually to meet a friend. I know it seems counter intuitive when we all want to stay inside and avoid the cold. But socializing is super helpful for me.

Spring will come for all of us again. :hug:

I think these are great suggestions. I also wanted to mention for #2, if you can come up with anything active (again, I understand it's hard in the cold) it's especially helpful for me when I'm trying to stay away from the food. e.g. meeting a friend at the dog park, taking a walk with DH, even bowling is focused more on activity than food. That way I try to catch up with friends in a way that's not food-focused. You've already been given great advice, but I also wanted to give you a :hug:.

Unfortunately I'm outsidewalking all day in the cold so #2 is an option I really don't want. I do take a nap (or try to) when I get home and it really helps (if I can actually sleep for about 20 minutes).

I wish I could find something non-strenuous to do inside during the evening. I find reading too hard (too tired to concentrate) and TV puts me to sleep. i have no friends or social contacts really so I can't call anyone.

It gets a bit easier in spring but this winter has been a particularly stressful one - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I really hope to find some moments of peace after the house closes and the money is in my bank. Then the crazy old man can't touch me any more. And i won't have 2 houses to supervise. That will lift a big burden off my shoulders.

Right now I'm accepting that I'm gaining weight. It's the lesser evil.

Dagmar :tired:

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. But you have to just keep remembering how far you've come. Imagine yourself a couple years ago and think of what you've accomplished. Did you think you would be where you are today? Don't beat yourself up over a couple of "cheats" - we all have them. Just continue thinking of what you've done and how you ARE an inspiration to people and how many people look up to you and think that they can achieve what you have.

Jen, you may have temporarily gained back a couple of pounds, but you've kept off over 200. You are phenomenal!

We all struggle... unfortunately, we can't erase our histories --we can only establish new behaviors, new thoughts, and new patterns that we faithfully return to after a lapse instead of giving up. That's maintenance!

You are not a fraud.... You are human.

And it is scary. I SHOULD be in maintenance now. Should have been for about half a year. And I was doing so great and then something just overtook me. I even KNEW I was overeating, but at the moment, I didn't care. I was still exercising, it's cool... I can take the weight off again..

I stopped coming here. I stopped blogging. I stopped stepping on the scale, I stopped writing down my food for the day. If I didn't face it, then it wouldn't have an effect right?

Well... sure... 2 months of neglect of "just exercising" led to a 20 pound weight gain! So here I am, battling to get back down to 175 again when I was there in Dec. 2011!!!! My lowest weight, 165 seems so FARRRR Away.

So... I get it. I do. But you came here - you talked about it - that's more than many do... means you are a fighter!

And you are right - this is so much more than calories in and out. It's a total mental game.

I have also gained about 10 lbs. from thinking that I could just run and keep the weight off. We are human and we are in this for the long haul. It's never going to be really easy for most of us. It truly is a journey though. I believe that these little bumps in the road are learning experiences. I came here tonight to get inspiration from some of the nicest, kindest people I have ever known, anywhere. As usual, I wasn't disappointed.

You know, when I weighed 200 pounds and would see someone on here complaining about being 120 I seriously wanted to reach through the screen and pound them. I know that's terrible, but it was how I felt.

How did I become one of those people?

I know that I am my harshest critic and I tend to see what lies in front of me rather then what I have accomplished. It's something I'm working on!

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I had a really productive long weekend and am feeling much better today!

We are in for a cold snap - AGAIN - which will depress me, but starting this weekend it looks like temps are easing into the high 30's low 40's - it will feel like a heat wave!!

Jen

Totally! My eldest dd has a big weight issue and I have to bite my tongue not to discuss my weight in front of her. We are extremely close and talk multiple times a day but she certainly doesn't want to hear if I'm struggling to take off 5 or 10 pounds.

i wish there was something I could say to help but to be honest im in the same boat as you........
I really hope you start feeling better - the main thing is you have noticed your behaviour and are aware of it, therefore you wont slide too far down the regain slope.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you find your happy place again!
One slip up (or even many) doesnt mean you should give up, it just means you are human and we are not perfect - so, you slipped up - brush yourself off and try again, you only fail when you stop trying.

Hey Jen, I'm late to this thread but wanted to pop in.

We are all our own harshest critics, aren't we? You have done such a fantastic job and accomplished so much, and there is nothing wrong at all with worrying about slipping back. Don't let it paralyze you though, you can get past this. A few bad days doesn't make you a failure, it just makes you human. And getting past those bad days and moving back into your healthier habits can be done.

I wanted to bump this thread because so many of us seemed to be struggling with similar issues last week. I want to check in and see how everyone is doing this week!

I've had a decent week. I haven't been on track eating wise 100%, but certainly better than last week. The obsession to eat has faded a bit and I haven't eaten any high calorie junk like cake.

Tomorrow the temps are supposed to be in the low 30's and sunny, so I should be able to get in a noon run, which will help my mood. I am smidge below my redline weight - I hate that such small fluctuations seem to be able to effect my emotional well being so greatly, but that appears to be where I'm at.

So the dark hole I was mired in last week is easing. How about everyone else?

Jen

Jen, first of I have read your story and find it very inspirational. I am far from my goal and sometimes it seems unatainalbe.
One thing I finally realized is that I cannot let a bad day, week or even months let me stop me from continuing to lose weight and live a healthier, happier life.
I can relate to your winter blues - as I call it. I find I want to eat much more this time of year and just hunker down on the sofa. Once spring comes my mood lifts and it's much easier to motivate myself to exercise and eat better.
So I guess I am telling you and myself (and others who struggle, especially this time of year) to hang in there and lighter days are not that far away.

I just fell into that hole this morning, Jen. I'm tired and jetlagged, and just learned yesterday that the hearing with the zoning board to approve our flood wall has been adjourned, for the third time, into April. And April is a month of heavy, all-day rain, and was the month in 2007 when the apartment flooded for the first time since the complex was built. So I got out of bed this morning at 4:20 AM, weighed myself & found that two pounds I'd lost on vacation were back. Nevertheless, I dressed for the gym, ate breakfast and then found myself feeling so tired, I could not make myself get up out of my chair. I'm here at my desk. I've got a meeting at 8:30 AM that I need to make notes toward. I am feeling wholly inadequate today but trying to remind myself I can still get to the gym when work ends this afternoon. If I can find some motivation between then & now.

My day is not starting out well, didn't sleep last night and got on the scale to see an increase of 2.2 pounds.

Saef - you've had SO MUCH going on I can't believe you are still STANDING let alone going to exercise at the crack of dawn!! I hope that things slow down a little and let you catch your breath! :hug:

Bagoo - Why do scales exist to simply torture us??

Jen

Because that's their job ?

I'm also in a hole this week - TOM is looming on the horizon and the early symptoms this week have been particularly vile. Hormones are flaring, food cravings that I've not done a good job of resisting are beating me, I'm tired and irritable, just about everything on me aches for some reason or another. A thunderstorm right over my house kept me awake last night - between the thunder cracks and the car alarm that the thunder kept setting off I was up until almost 3 and back up at 5:30. DSS's birthday party is coming up, which is always an exercise in stress and anxiety and resentment at having to pay for most of it leading up to it and then tense the entire time when XW and I and our families are in the same place. I'm not rolling with things right now.

I'm really glad that you are doing better though, it gives me hope. :)

Jen, glad to hear you are feeling better and back under redline. So far this week is pretty good. I've resumed overdosing myself with Vitamin D and am excited about above-freezing temperatures.

I am thinking about resetting my redline to 124 but that's scary!

My fondest desire is to eat like normal people. I'd like to eat potatoes and gravy and buttered biscuits and a piece of pie and not even give a thought of what the scale might say. Believe it or not, there are folks like that, but I am not one of them. If I want to maintain I must continue to plan my meals and continue to count calories, every day. I accept that most of the timne, but sometimes I rebel and when I do I pay for it in numbers on the scale.

You know, Bargoo, I drink like a normal person. One glass of wine a day, occasionally two drinks on a special occasion. Many times I have wished I could EAT in the same way, where I naturally just eat what I need, a bit more on special occasions. But it ain't like that. Like the alcoholic who can't drink, I have to deal with my eating fixation just like all of us here. And I too rebel against it sometimes. Oh well. I can totally relate, it's what I have to deal with... and I can't be like those people who don't have to think about eating and just maintain a good weight all their lives!

This will be me. I will never be able to eat "normal" again.

Of course I guess I created that... I probably wouldn't have such sugar issues/carb issues if I would have eaten more reasonably.

But what came first? The sugar problems which escalated the carb eating, or the too much carb eating that created the sugar problems? What came first? The chicken or the egg? Have I ALWAYS been sensitive to carbs or was it created?

Whatever, I simply know I cannot indulge in more than like ONE cookie day... and probably not even every day. I did that the last two Christmases and the first time it resulted in a 14 pound gain (after 5 weeks of planned off time) and this fall (November through the first days of Jan.) it resulted in a 27 pound gain.

That is a LOT of weight really fast and I didn't even feel like I was going crazy!

I will have to count calories and watch carb levels forever because if they get out of balance, I lose control of rational thoughts on food.

Thanks for bumping this thread, Jen. As always, reading everyone's posts here is very helpful. There's so much information and support here.

I tried very hard to get back on track with my eating this week but I was just ridiculously hungry - stomach aching hungry, not just eating-compulsion hungry. I wasn't eating huge amounts of food but it was maintenance level or slightly higher, just to make the pain go away. Some of my clothes are feeling tight so I'd really like to get back to where I was a couple of months ago - an astonishing 10 pounds lighter. I really got off track. :mad:

As so many of you have discovered for yourselves, the strategies that helped me lose weight are still necessary to maintain. I mustn't forget that.

I gotta admit, I am totally in denial on this one. I want so badly to just eat like a normal person and have not accepted that this will not happen!

I'm not so sure that eating like this every day is so "normal". It is this "normal eating" that got us into the position that we found ourselves in and why this country is in the midst of an obesity epidemic. Instead of lamenting the fact that I can no longer eat the way I once did (and managed to get myself up to 250 lbs at one point), I prefer to consider the way I now eat as my new normal. I feel much better physically when I eat this way. I'm not saying that I don't eat poorly sometimes, I certainly do, but now I pay much more attention to the way I'm feeling. :)

I believe that maybe sometime in my childhood, during a faroff Edenic period, I ate like a normal person.

But then I ate like a fat woman.

And now I feign eating like a healthy, athletic woman who's indifferent to food because she's got more interesting things on her mind. I'm not that woman, but I try to mimic her behaviors. Problem is all the internal uproar that reminds me it's a never-ending effort. Sometimes I worry I'll become exhausted and unable to keep it up.

I'm doing okay today, but still not running at full power.

My weird desire to appear "laid-back" and "nothing is off limits" and "not a dieter" has manifested itself in an interesting way - I know I eat healthier than basically all my friends, but in social environments I end up talking about/eating food far more than everyone else, so their idea of me is "wow, she is an eater."

My behavior itself is "normal" - I eat when I am hungry, mostly healthy food with exceptions for dessert, alcohol and occasions. I go to the gym for what people would consider a "normal" amount of weekly visits. But I am of course vigilant and feel like I have failed if I gain 2 pounds. How is that failure? "Normal" people weigh more in the winter and fluctuate in a range.

I'm sure that as soon as I write this I'll go and eat the entire half gallon of ice cream in my freezer - but I really do think that maybe I have achieved "eating like a normal person."

Love this post! I would say my "Edenic" period of normal eating was pre-high school. During that time, I was a skinny kid, liked candy and sweets like any other kid, but never obsessed about food. During high school, looking at Glamour magazine and such, I began to get the idea that I needed to be thinner, so I started dieting. Even during that time and in college, though, I wasn't heavy (just a bit curvy---as is my normal shape), and even though I paid more attention to food, I wasn't obsessed. It seems like my obsessiveness with food & dieting worsened throughout the years---almost in sync with society's increasing obsession with dieting.

I love your comment about feigning eating like a normal person. I try to do that, too, but I'm always aware that the way I think about food isn't normal.