Hi all!

Went to a 1-hour lunch seminar by John Bingham ("The Penguin") yesterday. My employer keeps trying to get us all healthy. He was really funny! It's always good to hear about a guy who went from being a 250#, chain-smoking, sedentary dude at 43 ... and 20 years later has now run 46 marathons, and still has a lot of fun doing it. Simple steps: Inspiration, Perspiration, Dedication, and Celebration. It's a good philosophy. I may have to read his book "The Courage to Start". It could be the right thing in the right place at the right time.

NOT happy with my weekly Friday morning weigh-in. Not one bit.

Probably there are some mitigating factors: My back and arms are achy from my workout, and I've got sore breasts and just wish my hormones would give it a rest already.

But seeing a number like that makes me wonder why I writhed through near-withdrawal at times during the week, counting the hour till the next meal or snack. It's been a tension-ridden week at work, and I'm quite resentful because I will be working through the weekend to dig out from under a pile of stuff. That makes me want to eat. And I didn't eat. Some nights I went to bed early, not just to get in enough hours of sleep, but also to remove myself physically from proximity to food & the kitchen. So why -- why -- why?

Lately, this thread is so chatty, I feel almost like an anomaly writing about my weight & the usual weight-related angst in it.

saef, have you been reading my posts ? I am complaining all the time that I can't get and stay below goal. I've done it before why can't I do it now ? It has now been 42 days and only 8 of those days have I been at or below goal. I want to be at goal for more than a day or two at a time.

Bar, yes, indeed, my friend, I've read your posts, so let's just cry in each other's arms for a moment, shall we? This keeping-it-off part is such a b@!tch. Especially when one's lost as much as we have. I have an almost pathological fear of slowly inflating again. Kind of like a slow leak in an air mattress, only the opposite.

But as far your bodily state goes, I want to echo what Shannon (or was it Megan?) wrote: You've been mindful for 42 days now. The worst sand-trap is obliviousness and denial, and at least we have not gotten bogged down there.

saef, I can only commiserate on the hormone crap. With all you have going, it really is a bad joke that you have to wrestle with that too. You're not alone in your angst; I'm just sick of writing about my continued failure to own my relationship with the scale and my health regarding exercise. I don't feel like I have a legitimate right to complain about the scale, since even in the face of constant support, I choose not to do what obviously has to be done.

I have been at this much longer than 42 days but I keep a calendar by my desk that I post my daily wetght. I glanced at it yesterday, it is open to March and April and I could see in black and white the few days I was at goal since the first of March. I will still post everyday but it does make me weary of the constant effort and the results being so slow.

Becky, you & I should also have a cry together over our hormones' disobedience. Isn't your cycle also doing weird things lately?

Here's one idea, perhaps transferable to you. It's amazing how motivational abject fear can be. Can you arrange to be frightened by a sexist authoritarian medical professional? For me, that always works. I haven't seen my doctor since last summer, since he's down in Connecticut, and he's not the kind of guy whom I go out of my way to travel to see, but I know that the idea of my person or my blood sample coming under his scrutiny would make me shape up fast.

Saef - I have been seriously tasked by weight and weight related angst the last few weeks, I've just been so consumed by everything else going on that I've not talked about it as much.

Wednesday night I had to balance my internal stress over not running with my need to be supportive to the family, but it made me anxious and worried about my weigh in the next morning. I should be able to make a different choice for person reasons and not feel guilty about not exercising. Monday I had a crappy morning after a crappy weekend and got a frozen coffee beverage on the way to work. I then punished myself the rest of the day, complete with an internal dialogue about how weak I was and how I didn't deserve whatever it was I wanted at the time. And on and on. I'm definitely not in denial, and I haven't been very kind to myself this week, either.

I'm tired. Next week is going to be crazy at work again, and I'm already exhausted in anticipation of it, have already spent up the weekend in my head before Friday is even over.

Shannon, I'm being grumpy. Clearly. What I need to remind myself is that this weight & health thing is highly holistic. The scale reflects all the stuff we're dealing with in our lives. Personal relationships, work, care for animals, plans, interactions with friends, getting critical but small stuff done. When I feel trapped by it all, I eat. Or go on a hunger strike. I wish I didn't act it all out through consumption.

Oh, girl, don't punish yourself over a frozen coffee beverage. And it probably wasn't the frozen coffee beverage. You were probably beating on yourself because you're not coping PERFECTLY with all of your stresses and personally resolving everything you're faced with. With you, it's undoubtedly that some small part of your mind still thinks you are entirely responsible for "fixing" your stepson, and getting that done, like, yesterday, even though your rational mind knows this is not true. With me, it's that some small evil part of my mind thinks I should be able to overcome all challenges & stresses effortlessly, and still look calm & beautiful above it all ... while also developing perfectly sculpted arms and abs and acquiring the ability to do consecutive unassisted pullups.

We should just kill that little part of our psyches. Instead of feeding it. Literally.

Group me in with the "cranky Friday morning weigh-in" crowd. I didn't even weigh but there's no way destroying a plate of pierogies/golumbkis and helping myself to lots of Easter candy afterward was a smart move resulting in lightness. It's past noon and I still feel full - after a "good" day I am generally so hungry by 12:30 that I have to eat something.

"Good." "Good" and "bad" should not be used to talk about eating. Eating is supposed to be for health and enjoyment, as is exercise. It's stupidly hard to balance.

I hope we all have a better week next week...

Thanks, Saef. You are absolutely right on what I was really berating myself for... How do we shut off that part of ourselves? Everytime I feed it I just give it strength to roar up louder the next time.

And I'm feeling all grumpy right now, too. I need to shake that off before the weekend. It has gone on too long.

saef, ugh, yes - the only thing that keeps me sane about my "girl times" is the unfailing hope that the end is near. Why is it OK to induce babies early so that it's convenient, and not OK to induce menopause early, for convenience? I'm done with the baby-making - this ain't fun or purposeful any longer! Grrrrrrr. Medical professionals don't scare me. I have a doctor now who's pretty close to a real-life House. We feel perfectly free to yell at each other, and have threatened to fire each other multiple times already. He *****ed me out in February for gaining 7 pounds (which I've removed). What I probably need is a personal trainer/role model. Someone who represents a possible future. Ideally ... (pardon me while I imagine this) a 45-65 year old woman who's incredibly functionally fit, will kick my fanny, and is too expensive to ignore. Haven't seen many trainers like that, but on the other hand, I haven't looked all that hard.

"Action is the antidote for despair." I am a body at rest, not in motion.

I think this morning we should all gather together and have a group cry , then we will all feel better.

Sounds good to me.

Saef's reply to me about beating myself up over the frozen coffee beverage made me a little teary already.

Does crying count as exercise? It should. I always need a nap afterward.