not having a great day
 

And it isn't about food or exercise.

I feel often like I'm just not ready for this new way of life. Its like a person who has spent most of his life in prison and then is released. Perhaps that person just doesn't know how live outside of the prison.

I've been morbidly obese for all my life. I shut down entire areas of my life as a coping mechanism just to get by. Now that I'm "free" I just feel like I don't know how to relate to people.

I don't want to go inside the prison, but I just not good at things everyone seems to take for granted right now. I'm totally clueless about dating/relationship issues and I just have a horrible time actually connecting with people.

Blah. Sorry, I guess I needed to just type that out for myself right now.

I'm really thankful for a lot of things in my life, I just have some hurdles I need to overcome and some of those hurdles aren't not under my control.

You have described it very well. :( What a great analogy.

In some ways relating to people has become easier, and in other ways it's much the same as it ever was.

My biggest problem, and this is so girly ;), is with shopping. I do not know how. I don't know how to be feminine! I can't walk in high heels! I don't know how. (Meant to google that today actually...thanks for the reminder. LOL!) I don't know how to dress my body, put on make up, fix my hair or just act the part of the female. I have taken on the masculine role in my marriage. This is all entirely because of my insecurities as a woman. I never felt deserving of all things girlie and it became a part of me, the eternal tomboy. But there is a part of me that wants to change that. I just don't know how.

You are living a completely different life than you were just a few short years ago, it isn't any wonder that you sometimes find yourself struggling. It is hard to connect with people under even the most ideal circumstances, when you don't feel out of place with your way of life.

I don't have any great advice for you, only know that you have done a great thing for yourself and you will get to know the person that you have become and how that person relates to people as time goes on.

:hug:

I'm sorry you are going through a lot right now :( *hugs*

Matt-- I don't have any great advice for you. I do think and hope that you'll be more comfortable in your skin as time goes on. Are there some new activities you like now that you didn't like before? Perhaps find groups that are interested in those activities and try to get involved? I haven't used it but I know others have-- Jessica-- didn't you use something to find your supper club? Was it meetup.com or something like that?
Maybe some sort of volunteer work?
Get active in church groups?
Don't know if you're open to online dating?

You obviously are an entirely new person. Don't know if you would want to talk to someone (a therapist)? The last thing you want is to decide you aren't comfortable in your new life and go back to your old ways.

Good luck! I'll pulling for you. I hope today is just a bad day and the blip passes soon for you. You are an inspiration to so many!

I'm with ya - sometimes the brain takes a lot longer to lose weight than the body. It takes time to learn how to be the new you. Let yourself off the hook! Just like losing weight, this will come one day at a time, one interaction at a time. We fall, we get back up. Often, when people say something about my thinness or wish they had my body, I honestly cannot figure out for the life of me what they're talking about.

I'm fond of saying that I used to be a skinny girl screaming to get out of the fat girl; now I'm a fat girl screaming to get out of the skinny girl. Just because the weight is gone doesn't mean my thought issues are solved. In fact, they are much sharper and in focus. So, my new goal is to lose the fat on my brain, so to speak.

I'm a big fan of a few sessions of therapy to help you get "over the hump" in certain circumstances.

Hi Matt- I understand what you are saying. Have you considered a 12 step program like OA? (Overeaters Anonymous)- they may help you deal with a lot of the issues that are making you feel like you do not fit. (plus it is free ;))You have come SO far, and truly have to learn a new way of life not just in the food area- which can be scary. Your open and honest post says lots about who you are and that honesty and self awareness are great assets to build on. Good thoughts going out to you.

You are exactly who you are, and that's okay.
You were okay as a fat person, AND you are okay as a normal size person. http://bestsmileys.com/love1/25.gif
Changing your body size
does NOT mean you MUST change ANYTHING else in your life.
...either right now...or ever.
If OR when you decide you WANT to make changes in the way you relate to people,
you can work on those changes, just like you worked on your size changes.
There's no rush. You have the rest of your life.

Embrace it, accept it and jump in with both feet! You won't be disappointed. I've had some trouble too, but I've let my guard down and just went with it and I feel "free" as you put it. I know you feel like people are still judging you, but they're not, and if the are - who cares! In the big picture it just doesn't matter. I promise you if you just relax, let your guard down and allow yourself to be yourself and have fun it will just start to feel natural. I have some pretty bad social phobias myself and when I just relax and be me, it always feels amazing. I know that sounds like an over simplification, but let it be that simple to start and take it from there.

*hugs*

Its ok to feel this way, in case you werent sure! :)

Being able to put it into words is a great indicator that you are indeed coping as you move through these transitions.

It just takes time, and there will be bad days, and hope you find the support you need from us and others on the bad ones.

I strongly encourage you, if you arent already, to find some theraputic outlets (maybe not traditional) to deal with the mental and social issues that come along with both being formerly morbidly obese and how/why you got there in the first place.

For me - it was a lot of work on feeling simply....worthy. Worthy as any other human. Ill never have the metal outlook of someone who was a healthy weight their hwole life, but I have a much better mental outlook for a formerly obese me than I did in years past. (example: I still, always evaluate myself as compared physically to others...but I dont care as much and I dont stress about it and it doesnt consume me and I feel worthy even if they are in better shape or whatever)

You have done a monumental physical transformation Matt.
The mental and emotional ones will follow.

They won't be as obvious but you can use some of the things you used to lose weight - strength, motivation, determination - to get you through the initial awkwardness of being "normal", as others perceive it.

And some people who have never been obese (I'm raising my hand here) are totally socially awkward and shy and all those other things. There are definite reasons why I feel more comfortable with dogs than with most people.

We just have to take that risk of making contact and being either accepted or rejected. And then we have to do it again, and again, and again. It does get easier with practice, just like dieting or maintenance.

Dagmar :dizzy:

Matt, I don't have any wise answers for you; just wanted to send you a hug and some support that things will be more comfortable for you soon.

Matt Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. :hug: Dating is a learning process. I was shy so I know what you mean about opening up to people.
Just keep trying.

I half-jokingly describe myself as a voluntary hermit or socially inept, but if I'm being honest, most of the time I'm feeling exactly as you described above. I simply don't know how to relate to people the way others seem to... I read a book or two on shyness that helped a little - even though I wouldn't actually describe myself as shy, and my (few) friends would laugh at the description (titles like Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life or Goodbye to Shy: 85 Shybusters That Work). They weren't 100% on point because it's not quite the same as shyness, but it's a place to start. From my perspective, if you want to get better at something, anything, you have to practice - no matter how much it sucks in the beginning. There are also a lot of other great ideas above, so no point in repeating :)
:hug:

Matt,

First of all, :hug: - that is a strange and lonely place to be in.

A good step to take might be simply talking with and commiserating with people who have been through similar trials and tribulations - 3FC being a great jumping-off point. Do you have good friends from high school or college around? I'm pretty sure they would be happy to talk to you and sort of walk you through the social gaps you find you may have. As for dating and relationships, that's never easy for anyone! :dizzy: When you think about it, do you feel shy? Insecure? Unworthy? Because, you know, you really don't need to be. :)

Ask your girlfriends. I was forced into the school of femininity the first time I lost weight in high school - my friends pulled me aside and explained how to walk like a girl, wear makeup, rock form fitting clothes, etc. While I hated it then, I'm glad I received that kind of "training." Don't be afraid to ask!

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm trying to get out of this depressive funk I've been in lately.

Matt, I think you've echoed a lot of what many of us have experienced on one level or another. I would agree with the advice you have gotten here, but I might add that you could consider trying yoga. I think there's a lot of benefit to it because there's a real emphasis on the mind/body connection. You might also try meditation. There is such a thing as meditation and as you repeat the same word, you can use visualization techniques to get you where you want to be, but I"m not sure what that's called. Anyway, some days are harder than others, but hang in there....you're a real inspiration here for many of us and we enjoy your company, for what that's worth. :)

Matt, I'm sorry you're going through this blue stage right now.

I too like the being let out of prison analogy.

I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say to you, but I don't.
You have gone through a huge life transformation and that doesn't mean having everything all figured out.Luckily you don't have to right away. You're a work in progress and as long as you keep progressing, it'll all get worked through. Takes time though....

:hug:

Matt, is this a very generalized, abstract worry that you're feeling, like, "I want a relationship, how am I ever going to meet anyone & how am I going to deal with spending a lot of time with someone?" Or is it a very specific worry, like being attracted to a certain person but feeling unsure of how to indicate interest, or anticipating how that interest will be received? Or do you feel badly because you feel as if you've just been shot down in flames? Or is it the fat person's relationship issue (that's how I think of it, as a fellow sufferer) where the other gender has always seen you as asexual & a "good friend," not romantic material, and you want to get out of that role already, for God's sake, and start being seen as a potential romantic/sexual partner?

If it's the first worry, then, dude, you've already got the skills, you just don't know it. You're talking with women on these boards all the time. And you're very good at it. You are well-liked here. Because, basically, you are a great guy, a good person, who's open and giving. And those characteristics are going to be attractive to women in real life also. They will see it in you & hear it when you talk with them, just as we do here, through the written word. Only it will take some time to make yourself known in real life. And then there's the whole thing of finding those people who can be "your people" in real life, since communities of interest are harder to find offline than Googling around on the Internet.

I have faith in you figuring out this thing because of what I've seen in your posts here. I see you as continually moving forward & figuring things out. You may feel like you're fumbling around in the dark & barely progressing, but to me, seeing you from the outside, you just seem to keep opening up your life's possibilities a little further every week.

And winter early dark & cold & a few low-spirited days will not stop that continual progress of yours.

I want to second what Saef said about your online personality coming through as exactly the kind of man many of us would hope to date.

And I so thoroughly identify with making the adjustments. I took a 20 year break from dating when I gained 100 lbs. Not sure even today which issue re-inforced itself (did I let myself stay fat to stay out of relationships or was I not pursuing relationships because I was fat?). Restarting dating life at 50 has been quite the adventure. I didn't even have the "benefit" of coming out of a divorce or LTR to know how to interact with a man in a personal relationship. I was shocked to realize on signing up for an online service that even before the weight gain I had not had an adult relationship that even lasted a year. I have so much to learn.

But as I said to my friends a few months ago, I looked at my dating as homework that had to be done. I didn't really expect to find love but figured I'd learn skills I needed for when the right one came along, and in the meantime at least would get stories to amuse my friends. Some of these stories have been incredibly painful (it's bad enough to think you'll be rejected because of your appearance and/or age, really hurtful when it really happens), but I've survived and now seem to be starting up a relationship that's everything I've dreamed of. It's only been a month but I do feel the "homework" stage was important to what's happening now.

I rarely post, but for you, Matt, I will. Read "Hungry" by Alan Zadoff. His life before and after a big weight loss seems to be a parallel of yours. I have read this book 3 or 4 times and cannot say enough about it!