Worst week ever....
 

well not EVER, but since I overhauled my lifestyle.

It was ugly. I had ice cream three times. I bought a candy bar.

It all started after my daughters engagement party last Saturday night. I had been excellent till then and feeling FABULOUS. I was POP for weeks leading up to it, had shed some excess pounds that I'd been dragging around. Was well within my 5 lb range. I was feeling firmly in the groove and LOVING it. Every day made me realize and appreciate how much I enjoy this healthy lifestyle.

I wore a FABULOUS outfit. Incredibly fitted, body hugging black slinky mermaid type skirt with an extremely fitted bronze-y raw silk wrap shirt. Got oodles of compliments, felt fabulous.

I planned to splurge that night. I was too busy socializing and having the time of my life to eat - maybe I took a little fruit.

The party wraps up and the caterer wraps up the leftovers for us to take home. Tons of pastries, cookies, petit fours, barely eaten gooey chocolate cakes, a cheesecake and the fabulous looking pasta I had my eyes on all evening.

I quickly give away most of the stuff. I bring home the pasta, one cake and some pastries.

We get home and I had me a big bowl of the pasta. It was very good.

Then I had some cake.

Then I had some pastries.

Then I had some more pasta.

I am feeling stuffed beyond belief. Literally in pain.

Sunday comes. I had some more pasta. And some more cake. And some more pastries. And a LOT of - cereal.

Monday comes, I toss everything but the gooey cake - I freeze that - after I had about two bites of it.

The whole day I am "looking" for food. Managaged to keep it somewhat in check.

Tuesday, I am constantly "looking" for food. I managed to keep it mostly in check, can't stop looking though and thinking about food.

Wednesday, I am still looking. I'm out shopping and bought myself a scoop of ice cream. Haven't done that in like forever. Get home and I am still looking. And looking. And finding healthy foods to eat - just lots of it.

Thursday- still looking, looking - I HATE that feeling, hadn't had it in a looong time. Overate healthy foods. Oh and crackers. Did you ever notice how there's the word CRACK in crackers? No coincidence. It's there for a reason. Once I start I can't stop. Luckily we keep it low key for New Years.

Friday comes. Not good. Still looking, looking, wondering how the **** I'm gonna ever do this if I'm constantly looking for food!!! I buy a candy bar while I'm out - and then throw it away. But I overate healthy foods and had some more - CRACKers.

Saturday - not good again. I'm looking, looking, looking. From the second I'm awake till the second I go to sleep - which was late. And in the interim I bought a candy bar - and ate most of it - threw away about 1/4 of it. Went to a friends house Saturday evening. Had cake and cookies there. Went out to dinner. Had a healthy dinner, but hit the bread basket - and had 1/2 a slice of cheesecake. We go to a show. It's late. We're driving home and I make DH stop for ice cream.

Now I KNOW this is not the end of my journey. I KNOW I will rein this back in - but I wonder how. I can't stop looking and thinking about food. And it sucks! But somehow, some way I'll do it. NO MATTER WHAT. If I'm looking for food it's too bad. I'll just have to get through it.

I go to bed Saturday night (really Sunday AM, it's almost 3 in the morning) and I tell myself that no matter what I will stay on plan for Sunday (although I told myself that all week). No waiting till Monday.

And it was weird - I woke up Sunday morning - and I didn't have that "looking for food feeling" that I had all week long. I was ready to deal with it, whatever the case but it wasn't there. Ahhh. Had a very good day on Sunday.

But.... I had some ice cream left over in the freezer from Saturday night - I went against one of my rules and actually bought it into my home (grrr). And I woke up this morning (Monday) and all I could think about was the ice cream. So I dumped it down the sink. Did a bit of "looking" this morning, but got past it.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is. Anyway, I know that eating "those foods" *caused* this horrible spiral and I wonder if I should just refrain from them TOTALLY forever - I am after all SUCH an addict. I am SUCH an addict. I am SUCH an addict. Refraining forever - nah - it's just not going to happen. I think I just need some even FIRMER rules about them. I don't know. I'll have to re-assess down the road. After I get all this weight off that I put on from my week long bender. And thanks folks, but PLEASE don't tell me much of it is water weight.

I can't believe just how miserable I was all week long. I felt HORRIBLE. I was allowing food to control me. I had forgotten how MISERABLE that is in and of itself - never even mind the weight gain. It wasn't enjoyable eating "like that". Not even a little bit.

All right rant over. I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry it was so long - even if no one made it till the end, well I didn't mean to be selfish - but I did need to do this.

And I am grateful that I had the place to do it. :hug:

:hug: Robin :hug:

:grouphug: Robin, this is what jumped out at me from your description of your week:

These are NOT the habits of a fat person. Rather than focusing on all the things that went wrong, look at all the things that were right! You gave away most of the leftovers, realized that the ones you had left were a problem and threw them out, while out bought a single scoop of ice cream rather than a half a gallon, bought a candy bar and threw the whole thing away, bought another one and threw part of it away, and dumped the extra ice cream down the sink. I think this just proves that you will not continue this spiral and that you are absolutely going to pull out of it and get back to your usual habits.

I have to say though, I think sometimes we need a reminder of how bad it feels to eat so poorly. You felt horrible and miserable -- now you are going to put your best effort into making sure you do NOT feel that way again, right? I think sometimes we forget just how miserable it feels to eat so badly and it starts to sound really tempting. My six day vacation in LA was kind of like that for me (except that I didn't throw anything away, ate all the leftovers, and gorged myself on ice cream and cake, but I had intended to so I wasn't as upset about it). Yes, I had fun. Yes, I loved eating all those deliciously bad for me foods. But you know what? Six days of indulgence is more than enough, and by the end I was craving the healthy food I cook at home.

I do think any time we start down the path of overeating on junk food, we need a couple of days of "detox" to get back to our usual habits again. I'm still working on calming down my sweet tooth after all the holiday desserts. The jawas need to slow down the conveyor belt! Filling up on healthy, high-fiber, low-calorie foods is just the thing to overcome the "looking for food" feeling. I actually did this the other day -- found myself looking for food, so I told myself, okay, I'll eat another bowl of cabbage soup. If I'm still hungry then I will look for food again. I was stuffed after another bowl of cabbage soup, but hey, I can eat a huge bowl of cabbage soup for only 150 calories. That's like eating one cookie.

As you know, Robin, I have a theory about this. But I'll save it for PM if you're interested... I just want to say, I'm really sorry that you got swept away! I know how that can feel--it's not a good feeling. Just chill out and let it settle down... stay with the foods you know that work. Your Morningstar Farms chicken, and your other staples of daily life.

Jay

Sorry you're struggling right now. As one of my all time weightloss idols your post makes me realise just how vigilant we need to be just to stay where we are.

Maybe now is the time to remind yourself of all be benefits that weightloss brings and focus on the positives rather than the food.

:hug:

Kitty

Aw, Robin, I think it has to do with coming off of a big high. That can happen to me. It's almost like the stress relief migraines I can get.

And then there is the whole addiction pathway thing that compounds everything! Good for you on posting and recognizing and backtracking to get to where you need to be!!

And congrats on a WONDERFUL event :):):)

robin: Thanks for injecting another dose of reality - for reiterating that slips happen and that even the veterans can have them. Not only did you chronicle the slippery slope ... you detailed how it feels to march back up it and what kind of thoughts we need to have in order to do it. Paperclippy's right - there's huge differences in the way you handled it versus the way well, I would have. That compare/contrast is invaluable, especially the part where you notice that the old behaviors eventually fall quiet(er) again. Many of us wouldn't have given it the detox time - you give us hope that a slip need not be a full relapse. :hug:

I can only imagine how physically ill you must feel...not to mention the mental part of it. Get it together dear friend. You know you can, I know you can and everyone else here knows you can get this back under control. FIGHT!

Robin, I had a similar couple of weeks here. My downfall is potato chips and dip, oh and these little thin ginger cookies. I started in on that stuff and I simply couldn't stop. Or more accurately, I didn't CARE to stop. That's what scares me--when I see myself heading back to the potato chip bag and I simply don't care, because I'm going to eat them.

And the looking for food--I know exactly what you mean. The needless trip to the kitchen, the standing in front of the open fridge doors, the browsing through the cupboards. I did that, too.

I'm getting things back under control this week and I think the damage will end up being about 3 pounds--not bad, and I earned them all with my mindless eating. But I think this could ultimately be a good thing, because it reminds us that we always need to be vigilant. For me, I think it means that I need to Just Say No to chips. Period. I had been allowing myself a small bag of Baked Lays a couple of times a week, but I think that has just kept my taste for chips alive and then when I got the real ones, I went NUTS. So I am making a rule: No chips. If I don't start, I am fine.

Hang in there, girlie. Re-read the parts of your post that Paperclippy snipped. You've got this down, and you will get back on track. You made lots of good, healthy decisions in amongst the not-so-good decisions. As for me, I am back to tracking my foods because I didn't do that in December, either. So my goals are:

--log foods every day
--log weight every day
--NO chips
--move my body--either the gym or the elliptical

:hug:

I second the thank you for sharing this. I'm not maintenance yet, but have been experiencing some of these same issues. Good to know it happens even to the veterans and how they work their way back to plan.

Jay,

Will you please post your theory of what happened with Robin....?
As you know, Robin, I have a theory about this. This happens to me on occasion too ( well, really more than on occasion. That's why I'm fat.)


Thanks,
Gwen

Thanks for highlighting those things Jessica.

I am definitely aware how I didn't lose *total* control. I know that. But I lost more than enough of it to just feel - icky - yes Loribell - both physically AND mentally. Buying things to binge on (the candy bar - actually peanut M & M's - one of my all time back in the day favs) and then throwing it away. My G-d who does things like that? For the record the next candy bar was a Twix. I think those M & M's were just TOO much of a blast from the past and I could not/would not go there.

I know that I still had some of my good habits ingrained in me and that I didn't totally abandon all of them, thank goodness. And as for getting back on track - again - I KNEW that I would. There is no way that I would remain doing this. I was too uncomfortable doing this. *This* was the old me. She's been long gone, lying underneath the surface mind you - but she's gone. The new me simply would not stand for this behavior - for very long, that is.

I was ready to pull out all the stops. I have after all assembled a fabulous array of tips, tricks and strategies and I was/still am prepared to use them. This chickie will not be sucked back in - for very long.

Kittycat, I think you make a good point about coming off of a high - I've had it happen in the past - but not for an entire week - and I am CERTAIN that there's something to that. That's why I think most of my planned splurges *work* and this one didn't - it's attached to getting through a big event- not just a social event or an outing - but something bigger.

And Jay dear, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this happened because I restrict too much. You must understand dear Jay and for some reason, bless your heart, you just don't - I DO NOT FIND 1200 HEALTHY DELIGHTFUL CALORIES AS RESTRICTIVE OR DEPRIVATION. I FIND IT WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and DELIGHTFUL. Ooops - didn't mean to shout ;). And even if, which it isn't, but even if *sub-consciously* I do view it as *deprivation*- well then so be it. I'll take 1 week of misery and dealing with this bender of mine, in exchange for 51 weeks of utter joy, delight, peace, comfort, energy, stamina, happiness, good health, fabulousness, etc. Jay, I know you mean well, but we are all different. I know you can't fathom my 1200 calories, but again, it's not some "poor Robin" type thing going on. I promise you.

One more thing I realized after I typed this up. I had questioned in my post why I even wrote this. Would you believe it's because I just wanted you guys *to know about it*? I wouldn't have felt right keeping it from you. I *felt* you should know about it. Isn't that or should I say, aren't I strange????

Thanks for listening. I'll let you know how my back-on-track-ness is coming along.

Hey Robin - sorry you had a week long struggle. I identified with so much of what you wrote (just what is it with crackers anyway?).

It is a journey of a lifetime and it may be trite, but sometimes there are bumps in the road. You did handle a lot of things really well!

I saw you hadn't been around much last week (or at least I didn't "bump" into you very much on the boards) - don't forget to come here. I would have told you to throw away that pasta on day 1!!!

I have always thought I am one sleeve of Thin Mints away from being the old me, all my habits and healthy eating are just a shell over the me who really hasn't changed at all. I don't think you need to go cold turkey from those foods, but cold turkey from those foods in your home! And cold turkey on buying candy bars! I still think a single scoop of ice cream is okay, but make the rule once a week. Well, I don't need to tell you about rules - I have absolute and complete faith you're going to get the reins for these running horses and settle them down.

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement and I'm glad the party turned out so spectacular. Do you have a picture of your beautiful outfit? It sounds amazing.

*hug*

Three days! :carrot:

OK, Robin. I learned years ago not to argue with you--I really would rather avoid the all-caps and boldface that result! ;) :lol:

Jay

Holy smokes Robin, I do this about 5 times a year. It only lasts about 3 days tho. I definitely feel for you. My reasoning is, harmones kick in that have not worked recently and it sends me on a 3 day eating spree. That is my theory and I am sticking to it. LOL

Most of us are human, Robin. Can you figure out the reasons and avoid them next time?
Get over it and get on with it. You've done it before and can do it again.

Thank you for sharing this, Robin! Wow, your LOOKING, LOOKING, LOOKING for food description hits me right in the heart. That is how I felt when I was out of control and binging regularly. Even when I was eating, I was thinking about what I was going to eat next. In that moment, it wasn't about the food. It was about feeding the impulse. Trying to satisfy the itch. I HATE that feeling. Even when you are holding it together and staying on plan, that itch makes you feel like you're out of control - you have all of the guilt, none of the food.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, and I know you don't really need them because you know what you need to do. Just wanted you to know I can identify! :hug:

Robin, when I read your account, I got chills from how familiar it felt. I'm struck by how you've described the feeling of "looking for food" and "looking, looking, looking." It's like being on the prowl, isn't it? That restlessness & that sense of circling, like a shark, & knowing it's in the mind, not the body, that it is irrational & has nothing at all to do with physical hunger & so cannot be slaked. Good for you for the level of consciousness you're bringing to this, in knowing it, in naming it, in bringing it here & sharing it with us. Now you will make the choice to turn to the behaviors you've learned so laboriously. You've worked so hard at all those behaviors, so now they will be there to save you. Routines will save you. The rampage of the holidays is over.

Everyone struggles sometimes. And while I agree with Paperclippy in that there were a lot of behaviors that went right, it can be frustrating when things go wrong.

Luckily you have the same advice you've given many, many times here. Re-commit and get back to it. Period. And if you do that, there's no reason at all...none at all...to let this be more than a minor, temporary blip that you hardly pay attention to at all.

I'm new here and don't really know you (yet :-)) so I feel sort of silly commenting but felt like I needed to.

First - I really admire you being so transparent and sharing your internal struggles with us. I am sure most, if not all of us have been there. You described the feelings so very well. It is a very yucky place to be, but not insurmountable.

Secondly, you will get back on track. You are obviously a very strong and determined woman to have lost all the weight to begin with!

Third - now this is just something that occured to me and could very possibly not be the case, but it seems too obvious not to mention it. Is it possible that something about the engagement (and therefore party that precipitated the eating) could be bothering you? Maybe even subconsciously?

Robin, I don't know how this will make you feel - I hope it will result in you feeling encouraged - but reading your account kind of resonated with me, and it reminded me of the way I sometimes feel about having a little cigarette. I quit smoking over 5 years ago - went from multiple packs to daily to nothing. And I have never ever slipped, not once. But g*ddamn do I want a flippin' cigarette. Just one delicious Benson&Hedges. It would just be so - smokey, and good. I would probably talk to the damn thing like an old friend if I ever put my hands on another cigarette. I have managed for 5 years. I have been a little afraid that controlling my food intake forever will be a foreign land for me, as prior to my huge gain I just "did what came naturally" and never had a big problem, and I was afraid that I will be adrift before I know it and undo all my hard work. But what you described - I feel like I know it a little. that seeking feeling - in the back of my mind, there is always a cigarette, and maybe some food too. Just waiting for me to stumble across them, find them... smoke them. Eat them. So I am so sorry you felt poorly, but your open and honest post really helped me feel like I am going to a familiar place. If I can deal with feeling like this about cigarettes and do as well as I've done (multiple packs a day for years, quit cold turkey and have not so much as sniffed a cigarette since - although I confess to sometimes sniffing smokers clandestinely) then I can do it with food too. Thank you. I hope you are feeling more peaceful now, or soon! :)

Been there, done that Robin. I think it happens to most of us at some point or another. I think the stretches between such incidents just get longer and longer.

You're already moving forward. Because you ROCK.

Bright Angel, I get what you're saying about the old you and the new you being one and the same. It was something I pondered when I read it. So I'm not sure if I really believe that the old me no longer exists or that I HAVE TO believe that she no longer exists. No she no longer exists, ... but than again... ;)

Jay, I apologize for appearing to shout at you, it's just that I sometimes get - frustrated, yes let's call it frustrated, that I have such a hard time getting across the fact that 1200 delicious, satisfying, never leave me hungry, always leave me full of vitality, energy, peace and joy calories is no hardship for me. None. I mean I assumed I am correct in that was the theory that you spoke of, no?

CC & saef, and I think there were a few others as well, so you're familiar with my looking, looking, LOOKING for food predicament I was in this past week? Oh it's a horrible feeling. And that's exactly the feeling I used to experience every day of my life for SO many years. And here it was - back again. Just like was said, I was on the hunt, on the prowl and there is no way to satisfy it. Yuck.

Unfortunately today I am a bit more "look-y" than yesterday. I have not given into it though - I've been looking the other way. I'm keeping myself good and busy and staying focused on what I am REALLY looking for - to get firmly back to the place that I love and adore - my plan. I'm hope and know that the looking will die down and I WILL get back in the groove once again. But sheesh, I sure wish it would hurry up!

Thanks to all for reading and for your very insightful, understanding and supportive responses.

robin,

you flew- you fell-you picked yourself up - you move on

sounds OK to me
rabbit

Robin, if you want to discuss my theories, PM me. Otherwise, let it be.

I'm glad you managed to put the brakes on! It sounds really, really scary.

Jay

Robin-
I have so appreciated your posts. I used your insight about not eating food in the present and then glad to have not to the next day. You state this insight more suscintly than I, but I used your concept as a way of avoiding food throughout the many, many, many events of this past month. So much so, that I lost weight over the holidays, and I attribute this insight of yours as the key reason I did.

Thank you for your thoughtful writings.

Hmmm, so let me get this straight. You don't want me to theorize about your theories about me. Okey dokey, if you say so. :smug:

And I don't think it was really, REALLY scary - I think one scary would suffice ;). I mean there was no blood involved or anything like that. Actually blood pouring out of my body may have been easier to stop. Yeah, maybe it was really, really scary, maybe even triple scary. :dizzy:

Talk about double and triple scary (and then some) Jay, you've most likely never had lasting behaviors that would lead you to be 287 lbs at 5 feet tall, that would be a BMI of 56 or to give you a clearer picture - a 5 foot 4 person would need to weigh 326 lbs to have a bmi of 56, a 5 foot 6 inch person - 347 lbs, a 5 foot 8 inch person - 368 lbs, a 5 foot 10 inch person - 390 lbs. So as scary as my week long bender sounded and WAS, it was nothing, nothing compared to what a typical week was for me back in my super morbidly obese days. And that week was not some random once in a blue moon week. It was week after week after week - every week - for YEARS on end.

Like someone pointed out, at least these episodes are once in a while things and are spaced further and further apart as time goes on. I think it was Tyler that said that. And it made me feel much better. I think Bright Angel mentioned that these things are pretty *normal* considering where someone who's been super morbidly obese has come from. And that too made me feel much better.

But don't worry - not better ENOUGH to want to repeat it anytime soon - or at all. No, no, no, no, no.

rockinrobin, I'm not a maintainer, but I've been obese and then thin and have maintained it, then gained it back, so I know a thing or two about the struggles...

I think it's awesome that you caught yourself consciously and did something about it. You've made some lasting changes and that's awesome. Thanks for sharing; it helps to see that even the tallest oak can sway from time to time. ;)

Robin, we all trip up occasionally. But even though you struggled (by your looking, looking and yep I know that feeling too), you recognized it, fought it and came out triumphant. That is a maintainer! Quoting Renee from Inside Out Weight Loss, the goal is to lower the incidences of the DIF in our binges:

Duration
Intensity
Frequency

Robin,

This happens. You did a lot of things right, and you're getting it back together now. String a few good days together and good habits will re-emerge.

Next time it happens, and sadly it probably will because it happens to us all, you will remember that you turned it back around and you'll do it again.

:hug:

Anne

Don't hold out - make with the pictures of your awesome party outfit!

Robin,
I am so sorry you struggled so much. I truly hope the worst is behind you. We have all slipped and felt those terrifying feelings. They are just terrible-- we can play such mind games with ourselves.
You have gotten great advice, just like you have given to us!
Hugs!!

Robin -

I don't have anything useful to throw in other then I feel your pain. My last few weeks have been similar if not slightly worse. Not only holidays but multiple birthdays etc sorta threw me for a loop.

I understand what it takes to get to 300 and how even a glimpse of that behavior can be unnerving. It's probably also good that something like this happens... It's reinforcement to remember how important it is that we always have to stay on our toes, because it is a bit like recovery. One does not get to 300 without having serious food issues... its not just eating a few too many cookies after dinner every day.

Anyway I think you handled it well with all the tossing and giving away.

Your head-hunger will dissipate, but yeah sometimes it takes awhile to work it out of your system.

Hi Robin,

I'm not maintaining yet either, but I just wanted to say something. You have been such an inspiration to me and I love reading your posts. I have a food addiction and the next time I'll be "looking," I'll think of you and know that someone can have this problem and still persevere. I know it sounds weird but just knowing that someone like you can slip gives me permission not to have to be perfect in my journey. I'm so terrified of slipping (which I haven't done since Halloween) that I worry that one day, I'll slip and won't get back up until I'm back to square one (or even worse). Anyway, not sure if any of this makes sense (I should be asleep). I just wanted to thank you for being such a Rock. :) (even rocks have some grooves and imperfections, but they are still quite strong).

Oh robin....
I guess I'm a lot younger than you (I'm only 20!) and have a lot less life experience, but that feeling you described was so eerie similar to what I have felt in the past that it freaked me out a little. I AM 5'10" and have never weighed close to 390 pounds (since you said that would be the equivalent), only 212, but I starting losing at a time when my weight was still rising... rapidly. I was on my way to eating my way to 390... I had no self-control around food. I never had, but when I lived at home my parents were able to restrict my food intake and make it harder for me to severly overeat, so I stayed at just slightly overweight. But that also meant I had NO control around food, because my only "control" was my parents restricting it from me, and when I went away to college in the fall of 2008, it all spiraled out of control. I was gaining steady at 5 pounds a month and I'm positive it would have only kept going. I would just search search search for something to eat, anything. I felt like I couldn't stop it, and I remember crying as I sat there eating one time, but I kept shoveling it in my mouth anyway (my one true binge). And as much as I know I'd love to feel like I'm cured, it's so easy to snap back into the old habits. This Christmas I had a mini relapse, a string of 3000 calorie days. The cravings would not go away. I'm usually okay if I overeat a LITTLE on one day, but if I overeat a lot on one day I'm craving food every second for DAYS. HEAD HUNGER HEAD HUNGER HEAD HUNGER. You can't rationalize away head hunger. For days I kept trying to eat well but I kept craving more food. The only way to snap myself out of it was to force myself one day to just sit there and be bombarded by the cravings but not eat, and the next day I was fine. It wasn't worth any piece of pie to have to deal with that for days.

I've struggled with my eating habits my whole life and finally feel like I'm being healthy. Forget my weight, I bet I'd still be healthier at 212 eating all healthy foods than I would at 152 eating absolute junk, so I'm glad I'm eating better now (AND that I lost weight! 2 for 1!). I'm sure you feel the same. Junk food is TOXIC food. Do you believe in toxic hunger, robin? I never did until I experienced life without it. I would always get hunger pangs 2-3 hours after eating and would give in and eat more because I couldn't stand the pain and thought this was NORMAL. Any attempt at only eating 3 square meals a day was met in failure because I couldn't stand the hunger pangs. So when I started eating healthier I started with 3 snacks a day, because I knew that if I were hungry I wouldn't be able to stick with it. But after eating healthy food for a while, I realized... if I skipped a snack, I didn't feel hunger pangs anymore... at all. I can go all day without eating now and my stomach won't hurt at all. It was if I only had this problem when eating bad food.

So I started googling hunger, and I came across this:
http://www.diseaseproof.com/archives...f-obesity.html
Here's a good excerpt from it:
After having fixed my diet, I wholeheartedy believe this. I felt toxic hunger my whole life and never even knew it was because I wasn't eating well. If you give your body the nutrients it needs to function, you won't feel this way. Jay, I understand how robin is okay with 1200 calories, because days I ate 1200 calories of nutrient-dense food I felt very satisfied, because of the complete lack of toxic hunger.

Junk food is like a drug... it's probably possible to smoke in moderation if you only have ONE cigarette once in a blue moon, but any more than that and you can become addicted, or readdicted. So why even bother with that one cigarette in a blue moon? Why even take that chance. Most of us don't have an addiction to food, we have an addiction to TOXIC food. Having that toxic food in our lives doesn't really benefit us anyway. WE DON'T NEED IT. Robin, you're right on wanting it out forever, BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED IT! I haven't completely rid myself of it either, but I'm working on it, to change that mindset that "everyone needs a treat sometimes," because no, I don't EVER need that toxic food, thanks. Baked bananas and raspberries... now that's a treat, and one my body feels is a treat too.

I really respect you for posting this, because I always saw you as being this perfect maintainer, someone who had completely recovered from their food addiction. I felt bad that I was still struggling. But your post helped me to see that even the strongest of us cannot be CURED, and that is why we can never ever ever even THINK it's okay to let our guard down. You're human, and that's okay. It's much better to admit that you will always struggle than to try to deny it and end up failing because of it. It is precisely your imperfection that makes what you have accomplished so admirable; if maintenance were extremely easy for you, it would not be quite the same accomplishment. You should truly be proud of how far you have come, and continue to strive to be the best robin you can be. :)

And that there just about sums it up.

I've learned how to keep those issues at bay - mostly. But I've still and always will have serious food issues. This is my lot in life. I knew I'd never be cured of it. I knew that.

For the past week or so, I've felt like that game, is it called Grogger or something? Where those heads keep bopping up and down and you have to beat them back down with all your might. And I've been on the losing end. And I know this will pass. I know it.

I also know that the only way for it to pass is for ME to get past IT. And yesterday afternoon got ugly again. So today we'll pull out a different strategy and if need be I'll pull out a different one and then a different one.

I'm really not worried because I am CERTAIN I will get past this. I'm just down right uncomfortable. I'm all out of sorts and don't feel right. I've created myself a new normal and am not abiding by it and it feels - crappy.

All right. Enough. Just gotta do what I gotta do and DO IT and then DO IT some more!!!

Oh and Glory I really don't see me putting up pics anytime soon. I had my pics up at one time (befores, inbetweens and afters) but that didn't work out so well, so though I thought about it, have decided against it. But I do have the wedding coming up. Oh and another engagement party as well. Daughter number 2 is about to get engaged too. Who in the world makes 2 weddings back to back???? :dizzy:

And these upcoming weddings, is exactly what gave me the final push to overhaul my lifestyle. My daughters were getting close to marriagable age (though I didn't think daughter number 2 would be ready THIS quickly) and there was no way I would have made it through these weddings being super morbidly obese. No way.

I am looking forward to getting *past this*. :smug:

megwini, I LOVED and benefited from your post.

It makes perfect sense to me. THAT'S exactly it. I've always known cravings and hunger are two totally different things. I once read somewhere if you're hungry and refuse to eat an apple - you're not really hungry. Because if you were really hungry - you'd eat anything. Luckily for me or most likely UNluckily, hunger, true hunger has not been an issue for me. I'm dealing with the head hunger right now. The true hunger WOULD be LOTS easier to deal with.

The thing though is, what I've been experiencing is not a craving for something SPECIFIC - it's that looking, looking, looking - for anything, SOMETHING and I don't know what it is. It CAN'T be satisfied.

And without a doubt I believe in this TOXIC FOOD theory. Makes perfect sense to me. I've said this hundreds of times. I only overate CERTAIN foods. Once I started with them I couldn't/wouldn't stop. My solution - don't start. Even I, after going cold turkey had gotten into the belief that I *needed* a splurge now that I'm in maintenance - and maybe I really don't. Though I don't think it's realistic for me to think that I won't indulge in TOXIC foods from time to time. DEFINITELY something to think about.

Like you said I'm just gonna hunker down and get past these cravings/lookings - do whatever I have to do - work past the discomfort. And I will. It is the only way.

One more thing, I do believe that you've experienced the same food feelings things that I have, though you never got to 300 and something pounds. Thanks for pointing that out. Oooh and yet another thing. I started piling on the weight as soon as I got married. I was 30 pounds or so overweight from 5th grade till marriage (22). But as soon as I got married I REALLY let it go. It reminded me of what you said about when you were on your own, away from your parents. I've felt the same way. I even remember thinking at the time, "now I can have my *own* food. Very interesting.

My head is really spinning now. Toxic food. Toxic food. Toxic food....

To me this only reinforces the addict aspect of it. For me at least, a craving doesn't mean "I eat ____ and my craving goes away." I want more. I hate to bring up the same comparison (especially because I don't smoke myself) but do you think that those smokers smoking a pack a day can just smoke one cigarette and feel satisfied? I bet that even after they have a pack they are still craving more. They can have one, but they will probably find themselves searching searching for another one, or thinking about when they can have the next one. If giving into a craving genuinely satisfied the urge, it would not be a problem. I think that for some people that do not suffer from a toxic food addiction, this may be the case. But once you get the addiction, NO amount of that kind of food is ever going to satisfy you, yet you keep looking anyway, with the vain hope that you'll find something that will. You can only be stopped once you feel so full you're not capable of eating anymore, and even that is temporary. It's a very degrading way to live, isn't it? And even when you get over it it never completely leaves your mind, but I do take comfort in knowing that despite this, I still only think about food 1/3 as much as I used to. If you look at it in comparison, 1/3 of the time still beats before, even if it is still a problem for me.
But I genuinely do believe that for most of us, cravings aren't for one specific food so that if we eat it our craving goes away, but rather, giving in just allows it to feed upon itself and fester into something much, much worse.

Perhaps foodwise I have experienced the same feelings, but at the same time, your experience was completely different from mine for the sole fact that you had to deal with life in a severely obese body. I remember descriptions you had written about being so lethargic and not even being able to move barely at all without being exhausted, about being so large you couldn't fit into seats... that sort of agony caused by being extremely overweight is not something I can understand, because I have never experienced it. As hard as the food demons are, I think you have felt the full extent of their hardship in ways I cannot even imagine. In a way, that can work to your advantage, because you KNOW firsthand what this toxic food addiction can do to your body. You KNOW what the worst of it feels like, and now that you have escaped it, you know more than anyone why you NEVER want to go back. I can't even fathom how difficult your life must have been, or how you felt. It wasn't vanity for you; you weren't able to be LIVING. Although I cannot relate, I really really respect you for pulling out of it. The deeper you are in a situation, the harder it is to get out of it, but you did it ANYWAY, and that says something for what a little determination and COMMITMENT can do if you stick to it. :)