I'm not sure where to post this so I thought maybe the Maintainers' Forum might be as good a place as any, since you guys have gotten to where I want to be.
I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm solidly in size 14 pants now and several of the new shirts I have are large (not XL, not 1X). And I like my 14's; I am feeling slimmer and trimmer than ever. Today at work I noticed that my belt was actually a little loose so I took it up a notch, and I kept it there for the rest of the day. And at one point, I felt.....funny about it. Not guilty, not bad, but almost a little dismayed or something...?
I'm so confused! I was looking longingly at the 12's the other day; I even managed to zip myself into a pair. They looked indecently tight, but I think I'll get there soon. So why, if I am longing for the 12's, do I feel strange or guilty or dismayed that my 14's are starting to feel looser? I think I want this; I feel dedicated and motivated and hopeful about how slim and trim I will look, so why do I have these mixed feelings? Did anyone else go through this? It's almost like I'm happy, but I feel like I'm living in a body that I don't deserve or something.
No, not just you. I hit this too, right after my wedding. That was a HUGE external motivator...all of those photos, strapless dress...and when all was said and done, I was fairly close to goal. Not super close, but fairly close. And I had a lot of "well, maybe I'll just stay here" thoughts. Those, combined with comments from friends and family (the lovely "you're too thin! Don't you eat?" variety), made me feel a little mixed when I started dropping again.
But normally, it was fleeting. Is this something you experience a lot of the time?
I know what you mean. The thing is, I self sabotage a lot, and I don't know where it comes from. Well, I mean I know that my step mom was jealous of us and never wanted us to have anything or be happy and she was extremely abusive and always telling us that we didn't deserve what we had, and not to be happy cuz something would come along and ruin it for us...she was mean, and I won't go into the abuse here, but here it is 20 some years later and it does still affect me sometimes. I want so badly to be a good weight for me, but then I am scared to get there or go further because I have this, should we call it, "fear of success"??? Anyway, I guess that maybe I feel like I still may not be good enough, or if I am in a size 14 and know I look good, but I want more, am I selfish? Am I ever going to be content??? I think it is perfectly natural to second guess ourselves, but the thing is, we have to know where we want to go and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I think we do need to examine our motives, and a little vanity is okay, as long as we don't get a "better than thou" attitude. It's perfectly okay to be what you want to be.
My 16 year old daughter is very overweight, and sometimes when I see myself getting to a certain weight, I start feeling bad, cuz she is not doing it with me. I encourage her to walk with me, and she is losing weight, but I almost feel "guilty" for losing weight or fat. I know I have to do what I have to do for me, no one else can do it, just as I can't do it for her, but I do have mixed emotions. Her eating is good here, but on weekends when she goes to her dad's, it's like he buys junk stuff he knows she likes, and doesn't encourage her to exercise. I am afraid for her health. He states he is, but somehow he feels like I am depriving her by not having junky foods in our home.
Anyways... I have weird feelings about losing weight, also. I hope this helps.
No, not just you. I hit this too, right after my wedding. That was a HUGE external motivator...all of those photos, strapless dress...and when all was said and done, I was fairly close to goal. Not super close, but fairly close. And I had a lot of "well, maybe I'll just stay here" thoughts. Those, combined with comments from friends and family (the lovely "you're too thin! Don't you eat?" variety), made me feel a little mixed when I started dropping again.
But normally, it was fleeting. Is this something you experience a lot of the time?
Not a lot, so it's more the fleeting thoughts. It's almost like what Ryanne says in her post, about feeling guilty for wanting to be a smaller size. And "guilty" doesn't even seem like the right word; maybe it's more like "undeserving" or "who am *I* to be attempting this"? Yesterday when I noticed my pants were getting a little big, it definitely made me a little dismayed or something. Hopefully it's as simple as "I don't want to spend money on pants again so soon!" instead of "I should just stay big so I can continue to wear these pants"!
I'm not going off track and I won't sabotage myself; it's just a curious thing and I wish I knew what was going on in my own head.
I sometimes feel guilty about losing the weight I've lost when I'm in discussions with friends or family who aren't experiencing similar successes. It is usually fleeting for me. And, I have had moments of "I don't want to spend more money on pants!", too.
Oh my yes, the "I don't want to spend more money on pants!" I'm not back at goal by any means, but I have gone down another size, both top and bottom, and I work at a job where I have to dress, not up, but nice (whereas my staff wears jeans and work-provided polo shirts). I bought - groan - 5 pairs of pants. Luckily I had smaller tops and really I can wear some of the larger ones still. My old pants, no way, they look like clown legs and slip down. I love it! The next size down I should be able to find in clothes I put away when I grew out of them.
Maybe it's "between sizes" dismay? You're 14's are getting big but your' 12's don't fit. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more frustrating than the numbers telling you you're doing well and the clothes still not fitting. When this happens to me and I go shopping, nothing fits and I feel like I've accomplished nothing - hence leading to a bit of dismay. Maybe wait until you know for sure you can fit into 12's to even eye them... then you'll feel nothing but bliss in the fitting rooms
My mixed feelings are a little different and more like Ryanne's I think. My 18 y/o dd is very overweight and I often wish I could take some of her weight for her. I know she is jealous of the way I look now and it is like the elephant in the room-- we just don't talk about it. She knows what I eat and how much I exercise-- she just has to want it as badly as I did/do. It took me 40 years to get motivated enough to take off the weight so I'm hoping she arrives there more quickly!
So, while I haven't had your exact emotions, I know we all struggle with "issues" that have led to our weight issues. Whether it is a lack of self-esteem, past or current abuse, whatever.... all of these things mess with our minds. We have to try to be stronger to overcome the negativity. You can do it!
Maybe it's "between sizes" dismay? You're 14's are getting big but your' 12's don't fit. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more frustrating than the numbers telling you you're doing well and the clothes still not fitting. When this happens to me and I go shopping, nothing fits and I feel like I've accomplished nothing - hence leading to a bit of dismay. Maybe wait until you know for sure you can fit into 12's to even eye them... then you'll feel nothing but bliss in the fitting rooms
That could be it, but something you said above kind of triggered a thought in me. I think it's that I feel I need time to adjust to wearing the 14's before I start thinking about and trying on the 12's. I think it's that the inside of me hasn't caught up to the outside yet and I feel like I just got into the 14's and I want to adjust to this!
Having said all this....I bought more clothes on my lunch hour, LOL. But I stuck with tops (even though I tried on pants just to confirm that yes, I really AM a size 14).
Man, this whole thing is kind of messing with my head!
I get this, mostly because I feel guilty I have to buy more clothes. I finally broke down and bought pants, shirts, undies and bras for my current/goal size. I have spent so much on transitional clothing in the last few months and now all that stuff sits in a box under my bed.
Sometimes the brain/emotions are waaay behind the body in the desire to lose weight. The issues that made us gain in the first place can be more than physical ones and they too have to be resolved.
Maybe your situation is like the people who look in the mirror after a major weight loss and still see "the fat girl". You're not quite ready to let go of size 14 yet.
IMHO you should give yourself a pat on the back for losing the weight. You are getting healthy and fit! Buy as many pairs of pants in the transition as you need. You deserve to wear clothes that fit you and accentuate all the progress you've made toward your goals!
Windchime, I had many of those thoughts through this journey. I'm pretty sure that I drove a few of my close friends and DD22 crazy because I couldn't stop talking about it. My mind could not seem to catch up with all of the changes in my body.
Regarding clothes, I just cleaned out my closet--for the 3rd time. I have 2 pairs of pants that kinda fit for fall and a pair of jeans that are too short for regular shoes(they look good with cute little flats & flip-flops). I know I need to go shopping, but I'm too cheap. My DS14 needs some new school clothes and $ is tight right now. So the thrift store it is for me!
Your mind and feelings will eventually catch up with all of the changes in your body. Just keep doing what you are doing--it's working!
Mixed feelings!??
