Somebody give me a kick in the butt. I actually had a moment today where I thought, "I wish I was still fat." Why? Because then I could eat candy bars, ice cream, and cake whenever I felt like it. I could eat pizza if I wanted it. I could eat at a restaurant every night of the week, eat giant steaks, keep gallons of ice cream in my freezer, munch on crackers and cheese, buy that round of baked brie en croute I keep eyeing at the grocery store, etc., and lay on my butt all day. All of that without feeling guilty.

Because you know? One mini hershey bar every few weeks is just not the same as eating a candy bar whenever I feel like having one. A kiddie scoop of ice cream every few weeks is not the same as getting a big bowl out of my freezer whenever inspiration strikes.

I am sick and tired of trying to lose weight. I don't have the energy or motivation to starve myself on a 1200 calorie diet, which looks like it is what would be necessary for me to lose any of these 15 lbs I've been stuck with the past year.

The most frustrating thing is that I know if I could get rid of these 15 lbs, I would have no trouble maintaining at my goal weight. I maintained at goal weight with no problems right up until my thyroid got screwed up. I know how to eat for maintenance. I'm comfortable with that. It's just that in order to lose I feel like I'd have to take some drastic measures and I don't have the motivation for it right now. Not just right now, I don't feel like I'd ever want to go on a very low-cal diet again. I keep thinking, there has to be some other way. But I don't think there is.

Sounds to me like you're not missing being fat, you're missing being ignorant/unaware.

Ignorant/unaware of just how bad the foods you're putting in your body (ice cream, candy bars) are and how they effect your health and your mood.

Ignorant/unaware of the effort it takes to get down to goal, and how GREAT that effort is compared to just staying in place or backsliding.

Ignorant/unaware of nutrition, how great you feel when you're at goal/lighter/healthier, and what your old way of eating was really doing to you.

Unfortunately, now you know those things. I really doubt that you will ever...EVER...go back to being unaware of what you put in your mouth, at least not without some guilt. Because you know better, now. It would require such a mental feat of selective forgetting to remember that you look better, feel better, and are happier when you make healthy choices that I imagine it would take conscious, consistent effort.

So what you want - the freedom to really eat whatever strikes your fancy with no guilt - I don't think you can have, any more. You could still eat whatever you wanted, of course, but to get back to that place where you're ignorant of how much better you COULD feel, how much weight you really COULD lose? I don't think I could do the mental olympics necessary to forget how that felt...could you?

It's OK to mourn the loss of that part of your past that you can't ever get back. But you WON'T get it back...you're too far into your new life to get it back.

Oh, I have days like that too. Though, wait, I did work my way back up just living with the guilt.

But, Jessica, what if you were to say that 145 IS you goal weight and work on eating to maintain it. You'd have less angst about not losing. I know this is what Glory did - decided her body "knew" that she was where she should be, declared that her new weight, bought cute clothes and started eating to maintain. Took a few months, but she eventually did lose down to 130ish. It's a head game, I admit, but it might be better than driving yourself crazy over every little thing you put in your mouth. Just thinking here....

Amanda, you are right. I miss being ignorant about food. There are a lot of ways I would never want to go back to being fat, not the least of which is that nowadays I haven't had a cold in at least two years, whereas before I was sick multiple times every season. There are a lot of physical things too -- I am proud of my fitness and fully intend to stay fit. You're right though, now that I know what eating healthy looks like, there is no way I could go back to eating junk without feeling guilty about it.

Pat, I guess my problem is that I *was* at 130, for nearly two years. I would have stayed there if I hadn't developed hypothyroidism. But once that gain started it went crazy, and now I feel like I'm at a size that isn't really "me" and that I should be 130 again. I was happy at 130, I was comfortable, and I was able to maintain. Why shouldn't I be able to do that again? The only thing stopping me is that I can't handle going on a low-cal diet.

Star, thanks for the sympathy! The problem is that I feel like I have gone back to where I started, because I was at goal for almost two years. I know 145 isn't nearly as bad as 185 was, but it still galls me that I regained despite my best efforts.

Time to list out some positive things about where I am now I think. At 145 lbs, I:
- completed a sprint triathlon
- can run a mile in under 10 minutes (which I couldn't do at 130, btw)
- can keep up with the gym bunnies in my bootcamp class
- have stronger legs now than I ever had

I did the special workout A of NRLW yesterday, the one where you take the same weights you used for 15 reps in your first workout and do as many reps as possible? I did 84 squats and 100 step-ups. Then went to doggie bootcamp the same evening.

Somehow even listing these accomplishments, I still want to go eat junk food. I think I'll go swimming instead.

Oh, I am so with you today. My calories were higher than usual earlier in the day. Then I received some very disappointing news. Then I found myself in an empty room with bagels cream cheese and candy lying around. So I went back to old compulsive habits and shoved/ate a bagel with gobs of cc and took 15 choc kisses out of the room, which I soon ate. Now I am sitting on my commuter train totally craving carby white foods and battling myself.

I am knowing that feeling well today. (I should mention I have gone back into loss mode vs maintenance- well that is my goal)

I hear ya- but I still have a long ways to go- sometimes I think "will I ever be able to eat normally again?" But then I realize what I did before wasn't normal and that's why I gained so much weight.

Though I'll tell ya if a genie came up and told me I could have three wishes one of my wishes would be to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound! lol.

Jessica Your 145 lb. body completed a triathlon. That's a pretty amazing feat in my book!

I agree with Pat. Why not take the 145 as your goal weight and eat to maintain it. I kinda did that by taking 135 as my goal (comfortable maintenance) instead of 125 (pain, much pain) and you get to be fine with what your body wants to weigh, instead of what your brain wants.

Be happy that you are strong and healthy!

Dagmar

Jessica - I too feel your pain today. And I know that listing all of the accomplishments you have made and thinking about how great you feel goes right out the window when that "Limited Time Dark Chocolate Reese's Cup" (uh, maybe that one is me ) or wheel of brie stares you in the face at the grocery store and your pants already feel a little snug so why the heck not? I don't have any great wisdom to add to what has already been said so well, but do have some thoughts. You maintained at 130 for two years before the hyperthyroidism was diagnosed, and you have maintained the 145 for a year. Maybe that is the new weight your body needs to adjust to the thyroid condition? Maybe letting go of the 130 for a little while and letting yourself relax will help take away some of the stress on your body and let you adjust. Like Glory, you might then start to lose again - particularly if you maintain 145 on a slightly low, but not dieting low, calorie count?

And on the eating willy nilly question, I agree that you will never be able to go back to that. Now that yours eyes are open to what you were doing to yourself you will never be able to go back - I read a quote somewhere about once you've come into the light you never feel comfortable again living in the dark. Shutting off the lights won't help - you will just feel guilty eating brie with no lights on.

Take some down time from the constant dieting and take care of yourself. You are a strong, beautiful, absolutely fabulous woman. Treat yourself like one instead of beating yourself up.

I've been morbidly obese since childhood, and I don't remember eating anything I wanted (or sometimes eating anything at all) or being sedentary as ever being guilt-free indulgences. There was always guilt. Heck for much of my life I felt guilt just for taking up more space on the planet than I felt I had a right to:

"Can I have a booth, instead of a table?" GUILT
"Can I have salad dressing on the side." GUILT (in the years before it became common for everyone and anyone to ask).
"Could I have a chair without arms" GUILT.

Icecream? Candybars? "Cake?" I dont remember ever eating any of those without so much guilt that I had to have a little pep talk with myself just to enjoy them at all "You were good all day, it'll be ok," or "I'll start a strict diet, tomorrow." For years, there was so much guilt that I only ever ate such things in secret.


I'm not thin yet, but I am guilt free. Food doesn't make me bad, so there's no reason for guilt. You don't have to feel guilt to avoid eating rat poison.

If you want to eat unrestrained more than you want to lose weight - you will eat. Maybe those last 15 lbs aren't that important to you. If they aren't - then consider maintaining your weight (that's not going to get you un-restrained eating, unless unrestrained eating is worth more to you than avoiding weight gain).

You don't need a kick in the butt, you need to know what you want, and know what you need to do to get there.

I think it takes a long time for our tastes to change. Years even. I noticed a lot of things changing the first weeks. And then change more months later. And then change more even after a year.

One thing I did find very encouraging was that in a very noticeable way I enjoyed some things *more* now that I wasn't having them whenever I wanted and in large quantities.

:hugs: I am right there with you with those feelings sometimes.

Jessica, I wanted to say I'm right there with you on somedays. Other days, I'm not. I've also been maintaining a little over my goal weight that I got down to (and maintained for quite a while). I tell myself that my body just "settled in" at about 10 lbs. over goal. I also want to see my goal weight again and struggle with how to get these other few lbs. off. Sometimes I think I just don't want it bad enough. Other times I convince myself that I'm doing everything possible except totally starving myself (which I won't do).

I feel like even though you and I both want to see our goal weights again, we are still winners in the weight battle game. We've lost a large amount of weight and kept most of it off for years now. We are stronger and healthier than we were before. We feel better! We look better! We both should be very proud of this accomplishment.

Hugs!

Paperclippy- it is good that you let the 3FC's know your struggle. There is a saying in the AA 12 step program "once a pickle, always a pickle", and another that basically says that once they know the deal they can't drink happily again. I think this is just a way of restating what others have said, but maybe it will resonate with you. Basically- we can't go back. We may slip up but it never feels good. You have done so well. Don't beat yourself up, use these great resources and I am sure you will feel that "click" soon.

This may be an uninformed question--but have you considered consulting a registered dietitian who has worked with people who are hypothyroid? Maybe you've already done that, I don't know.

For six months, I was in something like your situation, in that my weight had gone up several pounds and I could not stick with the low calories I thought I should be eating. I would get too hungry. I'm not a junk food binger, but I would still end up eating more than my target. I kept trying to push through with will power, but it wouldn't work.

It wasn't until a trainer suggested that I should be able to lose weight at a higher calorie level that I started to get more information and look at this differently. Now I'm trying to be really consistent with an average calorie target that's just below 1500--to lose weight. It seems to be working, although the final results aren't in yet. Basically, my body now isn't the same as my body when I started out at 198.

But I don't know how hypothyroid works into this, which is why I suggest you consult with someone who does.

As for wanting to eat the "old way"--no, I can't say I ever long for that. My food is too good now. I feel too good now.

Best wishes, paperclippy!

Jay