I had a kind of interesting, kind of terrible experience this weekend that I wanted to share.
I'm in a wedding in September, and we had to go get fitted for dresses. Now, it's no secret that my scale has been crazed lately, but still, I'm feeling OK. I know bridesmaid dresses are sized somewhat smaller than regular dresses, so I'm prepared for a number I don't usually see. I'm even prepared for the fact that most of the bridal party is much, much smaller than me (one of the girls was in another wedding and had to have a 00 taken in. Enough said), with the exception of DW, who is similar to my size. All is well in my head.
Well, this fell apart somewhat spectacularly when we got there. The dresses we try are in a wide variety of cuts, which hit people differently. The one dress everyone seems to like is the tightest right around the ribs (it's empire cut). It's flattering enough, BUT, because I have wide shoulders and ribs, I have to go into a size larger (I'll have to take it in, but the size I asked for originally was just a tiny bit too tight around my ribcage).
Realistically, I know that that area is not an area on which I have a lot of fat. It's just wide. There are no inches to pinch over my ribs - you can see them from the sides. I know this. Intellectually. Really, I do.
But I had to order the largest size of all of the bridesmaids. And promptly fell back into the "OMG I'm the fattest girl in the room" panic that I remember so well from before I lost weight. And it took me immediately into that really, really bad mental place of self loathing I remember from back then...the "Ugh, you're gross, you're wider than everyone else here, ick, ick, ick" moments. And in the car on the way home, I could NOT stop crying, and the thought that kept occurring in my head was "I work SO hard and I'm STILL the biggest one here".
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Something that took you right back to your "fat place" and made you feel terrible?
Your phrasing of this is very insightful & it's going to help me in the future: Yes, I have indeed been taken right back to my "fat place" and have felt terrible as a result. (I like the metaphor of being in a place, because that feels more temporary -- it means that I can leave it. When I feel the most awful is when I think something will always be a certain way, permanently, and I am powerless & there is nothing I can do to prevail, even with my best effort.)
And for me, it was also a comparative moment, when I stopped measuring against earlier versions of myself & instead looked at other women.
It was a yoga class a few weeks ago. I've been attending once-a-week yoga classes for about 18 months now through Continuing Ed program at a local high school. But classes adjourned for the summer. So I tried a yoga class at my gym. Instead of in a high school gymnasium, this was in a studio with mirrors on all the walls.
This class was difficult & faster-paced than I am used to. I was in downward dog & then lifted my leg behind me. Then I had to turn the lower part of the leg outward. I caught sight of myself in a mirror. My butt looked enormous. My leg looked like this very thick haunch with a heavy calf attached. None of the other slender girls & women around me looked like that, even in that generally unflattering foreshortened perspective. I was the only "other" in what seemed to be a room of ectomorphs.
Same angry, tearful thoughts as you: "I have worked so very hard at this, and still -- look at my thighs and calves."
It made me want to say: "The h*ll with this whole thing. Why bother getting up at 5 am on work-from-home days so I can log in some cardio before turning on the laptop?"
The "fat place" feeling is a combination of feeling congenitally inferior & out of place, like a fish out of water, while also feeling that it's fated, predestined, that all struggles are futile, that I am just like an insect banging against a glass.
Amanda, I'm glad you know in your brain that you are not fat, even if sometimes our hearts don't seem to quite get it.
I had a couple similar experiences lately, although one that sticks out in my mind happened a couple years ago. At that point I was at goal weight or slightly over (like, 1-2lbs), and had been maintaining for a year. I felt pretty good about my body. DH's brother and his girlfriend came over to our apartment since our complex had a pool and they didn't have access to one. So I put on my bikini and we all went down to the pool together. DH's brother's girlfriend has got to be about a size 0. She is extremely thin, and her stomach is as flat as a model's. Standing next to her, with both of us largely exposed in bikinis, I felt like a whale -- I was at least twice as thick across the middle as her. I seriously thought about throwing away my bikini, since I obviously was far too fat to wear one.
Sometimes it's hard to convince yourself that it's not you who is fat, it's the other person who is skinny. Somehow I was better at doing then when I was actually fat -- "It's not that I'm too fat for these pants, they just aren't cut for my shape." Yeah right. Weird, isn't it?
Lately I haven't been feeling great about my body since the scale is still reading out numbers in the "overweight" BMI range. While I know that I'm still nowhere near the size I was back when I was really fat, it's hard to feel good about the number on the scale.
Yes indeedy. I still fight those feelings when I see other runners or bikers who are just TINY. The ones wearing spiffy little jog-bras and teeny-tiny shorts that rest on their prominent hip bones or the cyclists wearing spaghetti-strapped unitards that show nary a roll even when hunched in racing position. I am just not built like that. And from being overweight I will never have the kind of stomach I want to show in public. I hate suddenly feeling like the big, sloppy oaf. It's an awful feeling. It diminishes every positive feeling of accomplishment and makes me feel really, really cr*ppy about myself.
Blerg, I wish I could just not compare myself with others, PERIOD.
Oh yes. I can soooo relate. When I lost weight, I was initially somewhere between a size 4-6. I settled into the 6 and was there, with minimal effort (ok, maybe not, but looking back it seems that way), for 2 years. Then the creep began... I think I've just completed year 2 of the ongoing creep and am at my highest weight since losing. My 6's hang unworn in my closet, my 8's are really tight now. I know why I'm gaining weight - I'm eating too much, period. I just don't know where my self-control went.
I haven't had a "moment" exactly like you, Amanda or saef, but mentally I'm definitely in that fat place where I always feel fat, and always feel hopeless and like I'll never take off the weight again. In addition I feel like all my work was for naught, and I'm just going to keep regaining until I'm 205 again. As I said I'm eating too much - not like I'm doing everything I should and gaining weight, but I just feel so hopeless b/c I can't seem to stop.
I thought when I started typing that this post was sort of related to yours, Amanda, and now I feel like it's not at all! But instead of deleting it I decided to post it, b/c the fact that you've been eating & exercising OP and still fit in your skinny clothes might still make you feel better...than me... really meaning that in the most positive way for you!
I'm going to go cry now. Just, kidding, actually, I'm leaving work and going to the gym...
When I was larger I never understood how "skinny" girls had "fat days". I understand now!
Ya'll have no idea how much better it makes me feel that other people deal with this.
The worst was, once I got it in my head, even things I normally like were suddenly ugly to me. Like my strong, muscular arms that I normally really like (part of that "wide back" thing has to do with that, also) became "giant flabby arms that dwarf the little skinny straps of the dress". My face suddenly developed both wrinkles AND another chin, instantly. Even my hair was gross. And I just felt like a big, fat, ugly whale.
Part of it was less related to my body image and more related to the salegirl who made my size "unmentionable" (as in, when bringing out the dresses and passing them to the appropriate girls, "OK, here's the zero, here's the 4, here's the 10, oh, and here's yours"). It was a flashback to days when salespeople did that with plus sized clothes. But I'm sorry, wearing the size of the average American woman, in a dress that is cut small, is not shameful! In thinking over the incident, I think that played a big role in how I felt about the size number...even the saleslady wouldn't say it! I'm sure that they're trained to do that, or something, but come on! I was one size up from the other sizes she called out proudly! It's not like the number was double or anything!
What's stupid is that when I got my last bridesmaid dress, at goal then also, I had to get a dress in a 16 (DOUBLE the size I was wearing in pants)...but I wasn't the BIGGEST size and I measured and ordered it privately...and it was a great experience. I rocked that dress.
My heart is definitely not yet caught up with my brain, but it's working on it. In the meantime, I'll keep on my plan, cut out the size tag when the dress gets here, get a spray tan, and get over myself.
I don't think I've got that feeling to such an extent, but I still get it sometimes regardless. It's silly, and I know clothes are cut and sized differently depending on the brand; yet I still can't help it. Maybe because I'm short and feel that I should be leaner for my height? Or maybe because I have large shoulders and breasts, so of course, depending on the cut, I have to buy a bigger size just to accomodate the rack.
But then, one hour later, I see my reflection in a shop window or something and think "oh that girl isn't bad-looking... hey... wait... it's me!"
Anyway I hope your morale will be high again, Amanda.
Oh yes. I can soooo relate. When I lost weight, I was initially somewhere between a size 4-6. I settled into the 6 and was there, with minimal effort (ok, maybe not, but looking back it seems that way), for 2 years. Then the creep began... I think I've just completed year 2 of the ongoing creep and am at my highest weight since losing. My 6's hang unworn in my closet, my 8's are really tight now. I know why I'm gaining weight - I'm eating too much, period. I just don't know where my self-control went.
I haven't had a "moment" exactly like you, Amanda or saef, but mentally I'm definitely in that fat place where I always feel fat, and always feel hopeless and like I'll never take off the weight again. In addition I feel like all my work was for naught, and I'm just going to keep regaining until I'm 205 again. As I said I'm eating too much - not like I'm doing everything I should and gaining weight, but I just feel so hopeless b/c I can't seem to stop.
I thought when I started typing that this post was sort of related to yours, Amanda, and now I feel like it's not at all! But instead of deleting it I decided to post it, b/c the fact that you've been eating & exercising OP and still fit in your skinny clothes might still make you feel better...than me... really meaning that in the most positive way for you!
I'm going to go cry now. Just, kidding, actually, I'm leaving work and going to the gym...
When I was larger I never understood how "skinny" girls had "fat days". I understand now!
Megan . . . I just wanted to thank you so much for posting this. Its really struck something in me as I sit here in my office in Sydney, Australia (love the internet ). I too have felt the things you outlined so well as my weight crept up and its really only recently as I found 3FC that I have started to feel some of the old hope again.
Thank you again . . . it is validating to know that someone else feels this way . . . and helped me to see the things that I am struggling with reflected back in someone else.
As I read your post I sat here and thought . . . "If she lost the weight once, I know she will definitely do it again." and I felt sad that you were feeling all these negative things about yourself again. I realised that is what I have been doing too . . . focussing so much on the re-gain rather than getting on with the job of getting back to my happy size.
Thank you for making me see that I can do it. And I know that by virtue of the fact that I know that YOU will definitely get back to any size that you are comfortable with too.
ps. Amanda . . . sorry I have hijacked your thread! I left you a little note in your progress pics thread you gorgeous girl - your progress has been wonderful!!!
I hate to think that I'm so easily influenced by outside events. But I am. Remarks, events, size tags ... It makes me feel fragile and I usually don't think I am.
A couple of weeks ago, we had to get our pictures taken for a project at church. It was a head and shoulders thing so the 20 pounds didn't matter much I fixed my hair and wore a cute coloured top, smiled nice ... In the picture, you can see the gap in my teeth and my bra strap.
I was flattened! And it's not even as if anybody who looks at this picture doesn't already know that I have a gap and wear a bra ....
When I was larger I never understood how "skinny" girls had "fat days". I understand now!
Yes. Yes!!! I have felt this way many times lately.
I have been at the top of my red line now for AGES. And whenever I have a splurge meal, I QUICKLY gain upwards of 5 lbs (Amanda, you're not the only one having wacky scale problems), luckily they come off within a week - 10 days - of hard work, but I feel horrible - and FAT. And then I actually feel guilty feeling FAT. As if I have no right to feel that way because of what my starting weight was.
I wouldn't dream of saying anything to anyone about it. Complaining about 5 extra pounds. That sounds so, so, so - babyish and petty and vain. I used to hate when my friends would mention that they need to lose weight when they were perfectly "fine". And now I am one of "them".
The sick thing is, I am always comparing myself to other people. What is up with that?????? I look around me lately and am always wondering if I'm heavier then this one, or as small as that one. And many times I am not as small as "that one". But I used to be. 5 lbs makes a HUGE difference on me and I guess all 5 foot nothing people. It was those 5 lbs that put me in what I feel is the slim category and now, I feel like I'm in the "could stand to lose a few pounds category" - FAT. Or maybe not fat, but overweight - or "could stand to lose a few pounds category". Oh, I said that already. That's because I HATE that category.
I saw someone yesterday who I hadn't seen in a few months, first words out of her mouth was, "You're as skinny as ever". I wanted to scream, because I'M NOT. I'M NOT!!!! I WAS skinn-ier. Usually I go into a whole song and dance how I really aren't, but I just kinda rolled my eyes and said nothing.
Quote:
My heart is definitely not yet caught up with my brain, but it's working on it. In the meantime, I'll keep on my plan, cut out the size tag when the dress gets here, get a spray tan, and get over myself.
And look absolutely SENSATIONAL while doing it!!!!!! I've no doubt about that.
So I'm wondering, do we have a right to feel this way, coming from where we came from?????
I have those moments every time I sit down. I lost 80 pounds and have a lot of extra skin around my middle...so when I sit down it rolls outward and sits there, like a big blob, just like fat rolls used to. And when I stand up I still have a "belly," even though it's not FAT now...it's SKIN that pooches out in a peak and sort of oozes downward.
Sometimes I wonder why I bothered. I'm healthier, but my self-esteem is SHOT. I mean, right now, sitting here typing this, my elbow is resting on a rolled out flap of skin coming OVER the waistband of my jeans. I can't tuck it in or down enough...too much of it....blah...
Robin...ironically...I was fine, blood-sugar wise, before I lost weight. I lost weight to avoid the pitfalls of the diabetes that everyone in my family has. 80 pounds later I'm hypoglycemic and blacking out when I stand up at night, and the doctor said diabetes is highly likely now. No way of knowing if this would have happened had I not lost weight, though...probably so.
It's weird about my self esteem. I didn't mind the way my body looked before. I LOVED my boobs, and felt like a woman. Now I hate looking at pictures of myself...I see a boob-less body, without curves that I had before. My sex life with my husband...non-existant because I won't let him see me naked. I'm afraid he'll find my body as gross as I do.
I think more than anything I wish I'd done more research and talked to someone about how my body would change when I lost weight. I was one of those people who just DID it and assumed I could go from a size 18, 220+ pound woman to someone with a sleek, slim, muscular body and tight abs without any issues at all. Maybe it's just disappointment with myself (totally misplaced I know) that it didn't happen that way...
As if I have no right to feel that way because of what my starting weight was.
Robin, I feel that way too sometimes. Like, have I turned into one of those normal-sized girls who complains about being fat who I always hated? How can I feel fat when I am still 40lbs less than my high weight?
But you know, feelings are feelings. You always have the right to feel something. (It's not always wise to tell other people what you're feeling, but you can still feel it!)
Times I have felt fat recently:
- when the woman from our CSA asked me if I was pregnant (at that point I was NOT even in the overweight BMI category)
- when I went to my first bootcamp class, thinking "I just did a triathlon, I'm totally in shape," and then was at the back of the pack panting and couldn't keep up
- when a coworker said it looked like I'd lost weight, and I admitted that I had lost 5lbs, but only after gaining 20lbs
MindiV, maybe you should seek out a counselor? Someone who specializes in weight loss/food stuff? Because it sounds like these aren't easily resolved issues for you...
Just of interest, paperclippy, when I weighed 130 pounds in my early 30s, before I gained weight, I was once asked if I was pregnant simply because I was wearing a muumuu with the elastic just below the bust. I've never had a flat, six-pack belly. I wore a bikini on one vacation when I weighed 125, but it didn't work well because of my belly.
Been Taken Back to that "Bad Fat Place" Mentally?
Amanda, I'm glad you know in your brain that you are not fat, even if sometimes our hearts don't seem to quite get it.
Just, kidding, actually, I'm leaving work and going to the gym... 
I fixed my hair and wore a cute coloured top, smiled nice ... In the picture, you can see the gap in my teeth and my bra strap.
