I have been seeing this new guy for 7 weeks now and we are getting along extremely well - we have even exchanged the L word.
I did mention that I used to be bigger and he has seen photos of me at a slightly larger size, but not at my biggest - not ready for that yet.
I think his reaction was carefully controlled - he certanly didn't react with disgust or anything and I told him I was not planning on getting big again.
Has anyone else ever had to deal with this? I know it shouldn;t be an issue - if your guy loves you he should love you whatever, but from his POV if you find yourself a nice sexy slim girlfriend you should reasonably expect her to stay more or less the way she is. OK, maybe a bit of leeway, but not 70 lb of leeway.
On the other hand we went to a family (his family) party the other day and I was the slimmest female there - which was a HUGE boost to my confidence!!! I have never been the slimmest female at a party ever.
Why should it matter? If he loves you when you're skinny...he'll love you when you were fat, and if you ever get fat again. If he doesn't, then he isn't in love with you. It's purely superficial.
My boyfriend works out daily, eats healthy...he's very good looking and super trim. I'm chubby. He loves me now, and he'll love me when I get to where I want to be. He makes comments once in awhile about how "once you get to the size you want to be..." It doesn't bother me, because I know that he just wants what I want. You know?
I've never had to deal with that as I've been married for almost 23 years. My husband married me when I was in the high 130's. He got the pleasure of witnessing my weight gain.
But I can see where it would be something you'd want to mention. For me, being overweight was a big part of my life and who I was. Not mentioning it would not make sense to me. It would be like leaving out a chunk of my life and that wouldn't work for me. Not saying that we have to tell our BF's every little thing that's happened in the past, but losing a substantial amount of weight is pretty significant. Obviously you think so or it wouldn't be on your mind. That being said, I wouldn't make a big deal of it. I also would suspect it wouldn't make one bit of a difference to him. He loves you and it's not THAT big of a deal. It's not like you were a mass murderer or anything that he would actually question or change his feelings for you. You feel the need to tell him? Tell him. It will put your mind at ease when you see that it makes no difference to him.
Why would you need to tell him in the first place?
Mainly because it's something I am extremely proud of - not being fat, but having lost weight, and it tends to be something I mention regularly. Like today I was telling him about all the interesting things I have noticed about my body since I lost weight, such as being able to feel your food moving around in your intestines, and being able to feel my aorta pulsing. Also I still watch my calories regularly and am very aware of what I eat.
Also there will come a point when family photogaphs will be brought out I expect and I didn't want him to get a shock.
It's just such a part of my past it never occurred me not to mention it. We talk about all sorts of things.
It's just such a part of my past it never occurred me not to mention it. We talk about all sorts of things.
Well there you have it. I think you answered your own question.
I agree with you totally. Being overweight and then going through the process of losing weight and then maintaining that loss is a pretty significant part of ones life. How or why wouldn't you mention it?
Just act like the proud person you are of your weight loss...tell him "You know, I lost XX pounds!" If he's not someone who can be proud of your hard work and dedication, then he's not someone to be with. Seems to me, from what you've described, that you've got nothing to worry about!!
my boyfriend knows i used to be fat. we haven't said the L word yet... but i feel it and i want to say it i'm just scared to. i guess it's the low self esteem... i'm afraid he won't say it back or something.
he knows i don't plan on getting big again, but he also says that he doesn't mind... as long as i'm happy... (which i'll never be happy large)
OK, so obviously you've already told him. I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. It will be fine.
Having said that, though, I think it might be wrong to assume that people who have never had a weight problem are all that interested in details of how much one has lost. So, I disagree with MindiV about his not being someone to be with if he can't appreciate those efforts.
Let's see if I can come up with an example... have you ever known anyone who was into something that you just had little knowledge about or interest in? (I don't mean "you" personally, Robsia.) For example, let's say someone is a bowler, and tells you they managed to raise their average from 120 to 160. If you don't bowl, you might just say, "Wow, that's really good!" to acknowledge that it's important to them. But suppose they wanted to talk a lot about their bowling... Different sizes of balls, how they had their grip change, what they did with their follow-through, different leagues they've belonged to, how many steps they take, what they do when faced with a 7-10 split... It might get to be just a bit much if you're not a bowler...
Maybe it's because I wasn't overweight or obese until later on, but in my own daily life, I rarely say anything about weight loss, eating habits, and so on. Of course, I would mention to a new romantic interest that I had been heavier, before showing photos, but it's sort of... I dunno... Not worth going into detail about for me. I mean, feeling food moving around in your intestines??
I think it's good that you told him. If you didn't you might worry about how he would react if he found out another way. If it doesn't bother him then you know that he's a decent guy.
I tend to talk about my weight loss too much. It's a big thing in my life now, and will always have to be a big priority for me to keep it off. I know I can bore my husband with the details of it. Guys don't usually need to get all their emotions out by talking and they can get bored with it like Jay was saying. He is understanding though, and is very proud of how far I've come so he listens.
I am very proud of the weight I've lost. I've mentioned it to people and I'm happy to talk about it if they ask me, but even with my guy ... I don't go into raptures about how amazing it is and what I did and now I can do this and ... and ... and ... and.
At some point you have to be careful not to become one of those obnoxious "reformed fat people" (just like reformed smokers or whatever) who can't shut up about her weight loss. Even with (and sometimes especially with) those who you are closest to and see/talk to all the time.
You've told him you've lost weight. He's seen some photos. It may be that in the future he'll see more photos and say something like "wow, I didn't realize you were that big" or something along those lines. And then you smile and say "I *told* you I lost a lot of weight! I'm very proud of it!" and you move on.
Honestly I think for a lot of guys YOUR reaction will be the biggest thing. If you're freaked out by it, then he will be. If you react badly, he will. And it will snowball. Just be yourself.
The food/intestines thing was a run on from a prior conversation - it's not the kind of thing I go around telling everyone BTW. I guess you had to be there.
I think *gasp* I might be about to disagree with Photochick and Jay...virgin territory I think.
While I do agree with them about not telling everyone you meet about the weight loss...as mostly they will politely pretend to be listening to you, I do not think that same advice is true when talking to your significant other. It shouldn't be a constant topic of discussion, but eventually letting him know the amount you have lost is important. It was a HUGE part of your life to do the work necessary to take the weight off, and I assume you have friends and family with pictures and who might mention the large weight loss to him. He should know who you are...and part of who you are is being a thin girl who used to be fat. It will effect the foods you eat when with him, your dedication to exercise, your feelings regarding issues relating to weight, etc., etc.
Telling new boyfriend you used to be fat
I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. It will be fine.
