I know this subject has been brought up before a few times here and there, but I want SPECIFICS!

The problem is, I still see myself as "Fat Girl" I have my inner fat girl who tells me that I can't jump very high, or that I'll never be able to get up off the floor like that, or that I won't fit through that tiny place. Like I still turn to the side to walk through "tight" spaces when I don't need too. My subconsious brain still hasn't caught up with the new me. Or perhaps it is myself not having much belief, or spending most of my 24 years being told in one way or another that I'm fat and I'm not athletic (also that I can't sing, but I think that one's been over exaggerated! ). So these past 2 years, when I have been fairly trim, and espescially this last year at least I've turned into "Action Girl" as they call me at kickboxing I still have these issues in my head that I can't jump very high, or that I can't do a handstand, because I've "never" been able to do that... With hindsight I think I actually have been ok at sports but the opinions of other people have marred the true experience - hey I got on the hockey, lacrosse AND rounders teams at secondary school... But then the bullies swooped and of course I was fat, and they picked me last regardless of whether I had ball skills or not. But I digress!

So at the risk of me writing a novella, what can I do to stop my inner fat girl sabotaging me? How do I keeeeeel her? I guess I must stop referring to her right now. She does not exist, only athletic Jen prevails and must rule the day!

I do meditate, when I can't sleep I repeat "I am an athlete" over and over on every out breath... I can't say that it has helped enormously since I still can't jump very high!

Should I journal? Do I need therapy? Do I need to read Dr Phil?

I've been thinking about keeping a journal this year, I think it might be fun for a while, and I think I might just focus on positive things - like that thread in Support (What I've done for ME today... or something like that).

So what do you do? How long has it taken for you to catch up with your body? Do you still think you can't climb 10 flights of stairs because your subconcious tells you you can't?

I struggle with this same kind of thing a lot. I am the fat girl, and she is me.

I absolutely suck at journaling. So even though it is a common practice, I quit doing it. I feel pretty good about that decision. However, I'm the queen of spreadsheets and I have, let's see what is L, 12 columns of stuff I track on a semi-daily basis. But I'm a committed nerd, a serious data hound, and that stuff just makes me feel better (I also plot it, find means, standard deviations, and fit curves to it, but I digress). I also make good lists, like lists of things I ate. Maybe that is journalling. So yes, I guess I vote for journalling, but in the way that makes sense to you. (I also don't think journaling is a real word, so even though I've spelled it several different ways in this paragraph, I'm leaving it.)

I like the idea of concentrating on one positive thing I've done for myself each day. I may add another column. I tend not to be a very positive person (surprise!) so that could work. If it isn't productive I can always delete the column.

But back to the fat girl. I had a lot to prove to my fat girl. I finally ended up beating her up and taking her lunch money. No. But I ran her to nearly to death. Literally. I could add up how much I've swum, biked, and run in the last few years, but I won't. I know it has been thousands of miles. Fat girls don't do that. Well, actually they sometimes do, but my particular fat girl doesn't believe that, even though she's seen it. So she gave up and now believes me when I tell her she should shut up now and listen. Most of the time. Sometimes I have to get out the marathon medals and show her.

She is also particularly impressed with ribs, and now that mine are showing again, that helps to convince her to shut up.

BTW: she needs to shut up, because she tells me the same kinds of things yours tells you, and any time I hear "I can't" I have to check to see which of us is talking--usually her. But I actually discovered this last year that I need the fat girl. She's the one who remembers how it used to be, how awful it could be to be fat, how hard. I tend to take thinness, or whatever version of normal I am now, for granted. That is dangerous for me, and leads to big slips. Sometimes she'll do something pretty smart and get out the size 24 jeans, and show me. Or remind me that I'd rather fit into an airplane seat than eat an entire pie.

So the fat girl is useful, and needs to hang around.

I don't know how healthy this method is. I'm really bad at identifying and getting my feelings, emotions, motivations all identified, aligned and in order. Over the years, I have come to accept the fact that in some ways I'm more or less an emotional cripple and it is much more productive to just do something about it whatever I think the problem is, rather than worry it to death like I did when I was younger. And most of the time, the emotional issue just sort of fixes itself along the way. It turns out that in my life, things are sometimes not as complicated as they could be be. I often eat cookies because someone put them on an easily accessible table, and not because I'm mad at my husband or I hate my job. Simple solution: move cookies. Duh. You'd be surprised at how long it took me to figure that one out. But I also know that is not true for everyone (including me) all the time.

When push comes to shove, I've done a few really hard things in my life that make everything else seem easy--my qualifying exams, the last push for my doctorate, deciding to get married, losing weight, running a marathon, having a baby, and I hang on to that as proof I can do almost anything if I need to. I come back to these, over and over.

And finally, my personality is much more integrated that this post describes, so no need to call an ambulance or anything. But it is useful to think about.

Anne

I still have the problem of feeling like the "fat girl" sometimes too. I am surprised when doing laundry at how small my clothes are. I pick an outfit out of the closet and think it won't fit and it does. I go to buy new clothes and takes ones that are too big to the dressing room. I'm surprised when I squeeze past people and there is enough room for me. I journal my food and exercise daily and that's all. But, it might be fun to journal more that goes through my head.

I agree with Anne, I don't want to forget my fat girl. I'd rather know she is there lurking and how miserable my life was with her body. I never want for her to consume me again. My fat girl could barely walk and was short of breath and uncomfortable in her own skin. I don't want to be her again.

I really don't want my fat girl to leave entirely, because then complacent girl will take her place and pretty quickly be supplanted by fat girl again.

Jen, it sounds like you've always been athletic even when you didn't think you were. Your posts sound like you love your new lifestyle, and are brimming with confidence. In your pictures, I see a beautiful, strong young woman who can leap tall buildings and slay small boys I think what you are going through is normal- you're brain isn't always sure where your physical edges are. It took me a few years before I didn't automatically head to the large end of the clothing racks- now, after 5 years I've gotten it figured out.

I may have been the oddity in that I was fat and active. I played tennis (well), hiked, biked, ran, coached lacrosse, and skiied fat. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the condition of my knees, but it also helped me have the confidence to keep doing and trying new skills.

I think you're are doing fine. Just watch the new Jen- of course she can get up off the floor, walk several miles, bike across Scotland, earn a blackbelt, pass up the second serving of CAKE, and smile through it all! You ROCK, girl!

Mel

Thank you Mel

I journalled on Saturday night and I think that helped a little bit. I'm also trying to listen to my mantra a little bit more and I'm perhaps thinking of changing it to "I'm very healthy" or "I eat really healthily" or "I'm a health-food-nut"

Jen the small boy slayer

I'm not letting you anywhere near mine. You are dangerous.

Btw, good idea about changing the mantra if the other one wasn't working. And re. Anne's spreadsheet columns, I have 'other achievements' as a heading in my diary. It's one way of keeping me more or less sane.

Aww no - boys-who-think-they-are-reindeer are safe

I've just started a spreadsheet at the end of November, it seems to be getting me back on track quite well. Other achievements I could give that a go! I have my squat goals on my spreadsheet!

Anne, I love your example about the cookies. It is so true. When I see free food and I reach for it sometimes I think "why am I eating? Is it because I am upset about something?" Usually the answer to "Why am I eating?" is "Because there is food in front of me."

Jen, for what it's worth, I've been reading your posts for a long time now and I have always thought of you as active and athletic. I mean, you do kickboxing! But I know what you mean about the inner fat girl. I like the idea of keeping a record of your athletic achievements. For example, if you lift weights, then every two weeks record how many bench press reps you did and at what weight. I think seeing on paper your actual improvement really helps a lot! You can do it for other stuff too, like do your own fitness evaluation. I don't know about in the UK, but here in the US when you are in school every few years they make everyone do this evaluation, where you run a timed mile, count how many situps and pushups you can do in a minute, do a sit and stretch, etc. My fitness goal has always been to be able to pass that evaluation (which I never have, BTW, but I'm closer now than I was when I was fat!). Maybe you could make one up for yourself, and then test yourself every so often and record the results?

Lily, I am with you on the laundry! A few months ago my fiance was taking clothes out of the drier and held up a pair of my jeans, and was like "Are these yours? They look way too small!" I thought at first they had shrunk or something, but it felt really good to take them out of his hand and pull them right on!

Hi Jen-- First of all congrats on your weight loss. I can totally relate to your feeling of mismatch between mind and body. I'm about 5 years from 120 pound weight loss. It took me a good 2 years for my brain to catch up. One of the things that did help was constantly challenging my body and having success. In the first couple of years post weight loss I did about 5 triathlons, numerous 10K runs etc etc. I don't feel the same need to "prove myself" now. I still do try new things all the time, now mostly for fun! For example, I'm off to go snowshoe running right now! : )) Wish me luck, and good luck to you, finding the power in your new body is great. I heard a saying once and it stuck "It's sad when an old man dies never knowing the power of his own body".