1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
2. My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONS - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
12. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled, because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
13. My Mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't Exaggerate!"
14. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
15. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
16. My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
17. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."
18. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home!"
19. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
20. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
21. My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
22. My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
23. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
24. My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."
25. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
26. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
27. And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out just like you!"
these are hilarious. and i have said at least half of them to my kids..
