Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a
high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try. My daughter seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! So, I called the
club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough
to get out of bed, but found it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a
tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out the door. Belinda made me
lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life
for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth
is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I
got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. She said some other ****
too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to
find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that ***** Belinda, more than
any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a
part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, then don't hand me the F-N barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
ofter, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my
answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up
for services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift
for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
sterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!
I love it! That's hysterical!