Company Policy
Effective Immediately... 7/3/2007
This policy is for the sole usage of this company. It is not meant for outside distribution. Any violation of this agreement could be grounds for termination or any other discipline listed in the small print of the contract we're sure you didn't read thoroughly. So be advised...
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of your >> sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BATHROOM USAGE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAKS
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
*** Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints and insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. For we wouldn't want anything to interfere with our positivism.
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