Hi everyone,

I relapsed again....sigh. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do this. Only if the moon, stars, and planets are aligned, and if I stop every hour to destress can I make it.

This time my trigger was $. I havent been paid in 2.5 months for my summer work at the state university where I teach. Can you believe this? I don't work my night job during the summer, so I've only got the income from the uni.

It's always late in the summer, but this is way, way beyond late now. I didn't go shopping last Friday (10 days ago) b/c I had no $, and didn't want to put something else on credit. I had enough food for a while. Then I was getting pretty low, they had promised last Monday, and still no. So I kept saying, I can do it, I can make it, I'm not going to charge stuff. So then Wed I had a dinner planned, the very last bit of stuff I had, but the brussel sprouts were iced over and the chicken didn't turn out and I just got so frustrated and ate out. And now since Wed night I've been eating crap again.

I guess I need to get to the part of the book where it says to get back on plan immediately. ha ha. It triggered this really low point in me b/c I'm so frustrated with where I'm working; don't want to be there any more. I've been pissed and feeling in rage all week b/c of the injustice of things. And I still haven't been paid.

Again somehow I've managed to maintain around 177, and I've kept up exercise, and except for that one night, stayed away from wheat. So those are improvements, I guess. I also did my planning and shopping last two days ago.
************************************
Sue, 50#s!!! Congratulations. THat is fantastic. Can you feel momentum building up?

Liannie and Sue, I loved reading your conversation about wines. I think it's great...it's really not bad at all on a low calorie plan. I do know what you mean about overeating with wine, though. It definitely can let down the guard on night duty for eating.

Stacy, I'm envious even of your pound, but I do know what you mean, since you've been exercising furiously. Maybe you are just putting on some muscle...do you evaluate yourself in inches, too?

Michelle, good job on your success.

...girly...

Hey Everyone,

Girly, I'm SO sorry to hear about the job stress. That is what undoes me about 90% of the time and I share your struggle. That weak and desolate moment triggered by job crap that's not your fault and that you can't control but is pretty much killing you--that moment when you reach for the food--is the moment we have to learn to stop. I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately, I'm still working that out myself. How about changing jobs? There is a Beck lesson on de-stressing your life.

Congratulations on staying away from the wheat though, and on planning and shopping. And you're here posting, still working hard. You haven't give up. These all deserve big kudos and are strengthening you for the long haul. You will become stronger from this!

Sue, I haven't drunk many California wines. It's ironic but I was introduced to wine by my dad who lives in Cambria, which is pretty much wine country, but always drinks Italian reds. I've had some merlots and zinfandels from California that I like but I don't have a particular favorite vineyard. I belong to the Bottlenotes Explorers Club and they just send me 2 bottles of wine every month and so I drink what they send. Can you recommend something? For when I plan my calories and stick to plan of course!

Karina, Stacy, Michelle, here's a shout out to you all! Hope Sunday has been great and you're ready for another week.

As for me, I've stayed on plan 2 days now. Got an hour's worth of exercise yesterday and today. I've done too little packing for my move and I think it's going to be a big scramble next weekend. But I refuse to overeat over it! :)

More tomorrow,
L

Hi

Girlythin, What a stress finances can create-Take care of your self. It is very hard to feel in control when the way you are being treated is so out of control. It is outrageous not getting paid in a timely manner. The changes you have made-exercising, no wheat, maintain weight loss) are hugh in the face of such stress. Things will change,- the planets will re-aligne soon. hang in there.

Does any one get depressed and want to eat after hearing some info via TV or movies? I feel so bad about Katrina aftermat-love New Orleans, one of kids had a scholarship to Tulane prior to Katrina and had so much fun in that town. Just saw Sicko and felt for those who can not get medical treatments. We are such a rich county and I get so upset when some of our citizens suffer so. Me eating sweets will not give others health insurance, yet that is what I want to do to calm myself.

Liannie, do you have trader Joes around? Our favorite wine store. pretty decent wines for $7-11 a bottle. Take care of yourself between your job and a move-a lot of stress. staying on plan and exercising is awesome.

Michelle, Stacy and Karina-big hi and hope all is well.
sue

Hello Everyone!

Sue - I love the way you are looking at your weight loss as 25% done! I am going to try that.

Girly - I am sorry you lapsed. But as you said, even your lapse was an "improved lapse". That is still progress! GIve yourself credit, as the Beck book recommends. :) I am channeling Dr. Phil, and he says "Don't give your "power" away to your job. :) You are worth more.

I greatly enjoyed my ice cream on Saturday. Yum, yum, yum! I kept the rest of my day healthy though. And I did force myself to get right back on track, and not fall into the "had one treat might as well not stop" mode.

I still have NOT weighed myself. I do not feel like I have lost anything though, and usually I can tell.

Hi to Stacy and Liannie too!
Michelle

Hi ladies.

Ugh, girly, I'm right there with you.

I don't know what it is but over this whole process of losing weight I'd lose like 10-20 pounds then quit, maintain for a ridiculously long time, then lose another 10. Well I've reached about 18-20 pounds lost since Beck and I see those old habits creeping back up again. Snacking when I'm not hungry. Eating more than I need to. Not tracking what I eat. Today, for instance, I was nowhere near hungry and I was busy so it wasn't boredom, but I ate a pack of pop-tarts! Even as I was eating them I didn't really want them. Ugh. I need to figure out something to get back on track, fast. :(

Hi everybody,
I can't tell you how much your kind remarks helped. It made a huge difference to not beat up on myself. Liannie, working on the job thing. Change hopefully is soon.
I adore the people on this board--thank you!

Liannie and Sue, I know virtually nothing about wine, but I do like Clois du Bois (Sonoma Valley in CA)--Cabernet. I only like Cabernet. It's really nice; I would say on the sweet side but not "sweet," just no-hard-edge sweet.

Stacy, sorry to hear about the struggle. Were you able to figure out the trigger for the pop tarts? You said it wasn't hunger or boredom--maybe using it as a stress reducer?

Sue, I hear you about depression from the media. I can get into a real hopelessness and depression about the planet, the continual corruption of our politicians, the poverty, etc. In the last year I've made a conscious decision to not watch it. I do what I can to stay minimally in touch and that's it. It's just the nature of the beast. There is a lot of amazing stuff happening, but the media focus can make it all seem so dark, esp. the local news. And I can get myself into a sad place really fast when I watch it.

Hi Michelle and Karina,

have a great hump day

~girly

Hey Ladies,

Busy days here. Will check back later. Just wanted to say hello and I'm glad for those in a success pattern, and in empathy and sympathy to those who are struggling (as am I at this moment). 13-hour workday today. More tomorrow!

Keep hangin in there, chicks.

L

HI everyone,

This changing of my relationship to food can have certain highs and lows. Even tho I am post menopause, some dieting days feels like I have my period-hungry-like light cramps, crabby, nervous and rather out of sorts and gain no matter what I am doing. Others days it is easy to prerecord, measure food and the scales go down even if I had slight overindulgences during the week. I been working on the concept of forgiving myself when off program sort of Oh well and how you going to avoid this unconscious eating next time. When my thin friends overeat, they dislike feeling uncomfortable, but it has done nothing to thier self esteem. me- I become worthless, heck I didn't commit a crime, but in my mind it is "moral" crime. Any way stuff I think of on tough days.- It is a mystery why we sabotage ourselves.-I don't understand what head trips talked me into gaining so much weight in life. But I am making changes and have to let go of why didn't I do this earlier? At least it is now.
You all be kind to yourselves and your spirits.

Michelle glad you enjoyed your ice cream. Even More importantly not to have the treat trigger unplanned eating. I still can not have any sweet comfort foods in the house, but can plan an occasional treat when out. My one in home treat is a tiny wine glass which I can have 2 oz of wine and will refill. Hopefully only once.

Girly-yup I can not take too much info about worrisome state of our world and man's cruelty to each others. I do better reading the news than watcing it on TV, if fact we have stopped watching it-got too hypnotized by it in the evenings. Clois De Bois is a wonderful winnery. Our hobby to find good wines for around $10 or less. One of our low cost favorites is Alexander & Fitch Alexander Valley-Cab-can run about $ 7.00 some places.

Stacy hope you are back on track. 20 lb drops are great, Do you think it is physical or emotional sense that makes you plateau? Can you remove some of less healthy food from your sight or not so near by for awhile. This still is a critically important step for me.

L-Heck of a busy gal-Thanks for the hello

Karina-HI.
sue

Originally Posted by coastalsue:
This changing of my relationship to food can have certain highs and lows.

OH YEAH! Like any birthing process, there sure are some labor pains involved in this re-birthing of our eating habits. I have used food as everything from a drug to a party favor, and it's hard to leave all that behind and just let it sustain my life. It's the consistency that will have us all winning in the end though.

Just a quick shout out today again. I finally closed on my house and now have to dash off to work in between packing.

Back again tomorrow,
L

HELLO.....Where is everybody?

Still here....was just hanging on till Friday. Now it's here and I'm free till Monday at 1. Yippee!

I don't have much news to report. I've made healthier food choices at times this week, I've read my cards, cooked at home more than usual, done some planned and some spontaneous exercise, but I'm no where close to doing what I need to do to lose. Someone brought me a homemade food gift (with wheat) which I ate yesterday, so now I've got the burning chest, and I don't have a scale @ the moment so I don't know, but I'm sure I haven't lost.

I've decided I can be
1. in limbo (limbo =****) frustrated, hating myself for wanting both to eat what I want AND wanting to not eat so I can lose, feeling POWERLESS or
2. accept my fat body or
3. accept that I can't eat like others, can't eat whatever I want whenever I want, and that I need to moderate and do the Beck type stuff till I lose.

I decided this week I'm going to try to let #1 go. It's my #1 reason on my reasons cards because limbo is so painful, so I think it's at the forefront of my mind.

I used to say that I was stuck in that limbo b/c I was never going to be happy being fat, and now I realize that it's time to let that go. That's BS...I can be happy no matter what. I CAN accept myself right now and 40#s over my ideal.

I'm not giving up; I just don't want to be in that place of self-hate and paralysis, and I have more power in accepting my fat or in doing the Beck stuff, but the limbo is for the birds.

I think I can do both 2 AND 3 and be a lot happier. Let's face it, it's going to take a while for me to lose anyway, so I might as well feel better during that time.

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Sue, I'll try the Alexander Valley-Cab--haven't noticed it before. Is that one they have at Trader's?

Hi to Liannie, Michelle, Stacy, and Karina.

girly

Hi everyone,

Girlythin-Getting out of limbo is so important. Self acceptance is one of the best and most powerful gifts to give ourself and only we can give it our selves. And you are so right that it is important to be happy on the journey versus thinking only after accomplishing the goal will we be happy. There is always another new goal "we should do", so we have to enjoy each day as it comes. I am so pleased to loss 52 lbs, that I find it a rude shock to look in the mirror and still see a 328 lb woman with 148 lb left to lose. But heck I am healthier that 6 months ago and I can move better.
I actually spent many months losing little weight, but making very core healthy changes-more nutrious food, reduced fat cooking, removing sweet treats from the house, and increasing exercise. Now I am finding it easier to live between 1500-1600 cal a day. Because of my years of obesity, I believe I'll being recording my food and stay around 1600 cal a day for the rest of my life as I don't want to regain any weight back and statistics show that it is so likely. Give your self time to makes the changes which will be the foundation for losing the forty lbs and keeping it off.

Like L said this is a birthing process- hard labor to change our relationship to food and make it's main force in our life to be nutrious to our body-it is my sabotaging mind that changes it role into a 'friend", a good time, and an anti-depressant.

Today is one of those days that I am so tired of the cal restrictions-We live very frugally here with little money left over for luxuries, now they are raising the monthly medical premiums $400.00 a month-it will be a lot of work to meet this new expense. We will do it, but it gets tiresome to always be watching it financially and calorically also. I want to overindulge because I feel sorry for my self about the all the restrictions in my life. Today I want to use sweets as anti-depressant. Once I write this, it sounds a bit silly of a solution to my problems. I have used sweets since childhood to cope with frustration and all it was really given me is painful arthritis in the knees and back.

Thanks for the posting, they get me thinking and help me change my sabotaging ways.

p.s.-Girly that cab is a TJ wine . Liannie I know nothing about other country wines-got any goods one which are under $10?

sue

Hey Everybody,

Just a quick shout to let you all know I'm still here. Packing has gotten down to the wire and I've had to cut out pretty much all else. I'm trying to eat small amounts of whatever junk comes through the door because we've stopped cooking in an effort to concentrate on packing.

Girly, what a great realization! Ending some of the inner conflict will definitely help with the weight loss tasks we have ahead of us. You deserve to be happy, whatever your size. If we could disengage our self-worth from our physical appearance, wouldn't we all be better off?

Sue, I've done the self-soothing with sugar just as you have (should we call it "mealsturbation"?) for many years too. The intervals between sugar binges have gotten longer as I've practiced the Beck techniques and posted here. Hopefully it will keep getting better and better as time goes on for both of us.

Well, back to the packathon. I've been blowing dust off books all afternoon. I feel like the big bad wolf! :-D

More soon,
L

PS: Hi Everybody Else!

Hi friends,

I've had such a fantastic weekend. Feeling great.
**************

I'm sitting here with a People magazine in front of me, and Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley are in it....you cannot believe how good Valerie looks...she's now lost 30 #s...since April...I remember when she started :( And I'm still basically the same weight. But kudos to her. Hopefully the internal progress I'm making will help. Kirstie pretty much looks the same--she's wearing the empire waist style dress that she seems to look best in.

It feels like this thread is dying...I hope that it will be resuscitated. It has been a good place for me. For selfish reasons, I need it!

I wish that I could report a loss, that I was doing great @ the Beck tasks, but not yet. I feel that I'm still committed, but just not at a big enough level yet. I will get there. I can do it. I'm doing a lot better in many ways, and I don't feel nearly as out of control. Altho I'm not perfect, I haven't really "binged" in a while.

Liannie, good for you for doing the smaller portions of what's available...it's not easy eating well during a move.

Sue, sorry to hear about your health premiums...that's a very big change in your outlay of cash. Very big. And congrats on recognizing the inner dialogue that goes along with feeling discouraged, and not caving because of that inner talk.

I hope that some other blessing comes your way to increase your income and make that cost seem not as big. Is there an option to switch to a cheaper plan, like an HMO, and would that be an option? I'm considering switching at the yearly opportunity to do that, in Dec., to Kaiser, away from my fabulous, choose-anyone insurance. The costs have gotten really out of hand.

Well tomorrow is a new day. The first day of the rest of our lives.....

HI folks,

Girly I agree, I enjoy this place and hope that it does get resuscitated. Heck it is my first on line exchange and have really enjoyed it. One thing is that it is not listed with the major forums at 3 fat chicks, I have a hard time finding it when we get a new link. Hey I think got my ticker to work.

so glad to here you had a great weekend. Heard a speaker on radio say, "life is short don't forget to wear your party hat". Enjoy.

Yea, this medical stuff is very frustrating. We have had Kaiser for many years and love it, rasied all of kids using their services, but now we are too far from the closest medical office. We need to change to different insurer who closest docs are over 1 2/2 hrs away. The town seem closer as the crow fly but we live so isolately that we must use over 35 miles of substandard roads that flood and ice in winter. It is quicker, safer and easier to get to Kaiser. But we must change.

We love this isolated, quiet coastal area, but it is very tough financially. We keep hanging on but there is so little job opportunities-we both do parttime odd jobs. Thanks for the good thoughts-appreiciated them.

L Geat sense of humor-loved mealstrubation. I just hate the work of moving. plus all the decisions of packing. Hope the bulk of work ends soon, at least so you can find most things-takes time to decide how to organize new places.

I have regained 2 1/2 lbs by slightly increasing my cals-just was getting so hungry. I should still lose based upon still running a 1000 cal deficit from maintaining a 328 weight. This is one of those Oh well moments. I know in the long run it will drop again. Not ready to drop the 100 cal a day of wine tho! I am proud of changing my eating habits even if the scales move soo slowly. Processed foods just don't have such a strong hook for me any more, sometime though I want the ease of them-tired of making salads and a low cal dressing, preparing most all meals at home to insure a low cal approach. But overall I have accomplished a major feat for me.

till the next time

sue