I am so unbelievably depressed. I want to climb in a hole and eat myself into oblivion.

Oh Marcie you don't want to do that.....you will just feel worse if you do.

You sign your posts "Failure is NOT an option"!!!!

What's the matter if we can be of any help please bend our ear....sometimes it just helps to say it or write it out.....you can PM any of us. I keep my computer on all evening.....I'll ck back later.

Please take care.....can you take a nice hot bubble bath??? A walk, call a friend????

If you do eat try to eat just one comfort food and just a small amount sometimes we have to give in a little bit.

Hugs, Phyllis

The thing is, Phyllis, I really hate myself. I talk a good game, don't let people know how I really am, cuz no one wants to be around some one who's always down on themselves. I even do this with my therapist. But I am not a good person. I procrastinate terribly, I am lazy, I don't follow through with things I start. there are days when I don't even get out of bed. I hate that my kids see this, but don't seem to be able to change it. I so want to lose this weight, but somehow I never really put in the effort. I don't know why I do this. And I feel so overwhelmed. I am just sitting here crying, knowing there are things that have to be done, just unable to do them. I don't know what's wrong with me. This is not the person I want to be. I can bury these feelings much of the time, but they never go away. I feel so awful and worthless. I feel like a bad mom, and like maybe the marriage problems are all my fault, and I deserve what I get. No, no physical abuse. Just so much confusion. I am in this pit right now, and I don't know how to get out.

I am also like this in that I don't let my guard down. I did go through a depression a few years ago that took me a few years to get over. I thought I was pathetic cause I couldn't feel better only pretend to be better. I was decaying inside. In my case time changed me. I moved twice and that didn't do it, I moved to two different cities. What also helped me was studying things that interested me cause I always have loved learning more about a number of things. I also joined a local college and the learning and grades were things that gave me a pleasure and reminded me of the happier me. In truth, I think ur depressed. It is common, and u should not be embarrased or feel weak because u are depressed. U should be strong and ask for help esp. from ur therapist. I know it can be hard to let one in but since u have so much on ur plate with ur kids and husband u should trust someone who will listen and not judge u but can listen to the dark things and frustrations, and relaities of how u feel. I didn't have a family to worry about and I barely held it together. Look at Brooke Shields she even admitted in the public and in the news about the reality of depression. U may or may not need meds to assist it. Don't u want to make it easier on urself. If u do then talk to ur therapist. If u don't feel comfortable with the one u got now get another one, if possible. Tell them the truth that u have been pretending to be happy eventhough u are not, they will understand, they probably know but they can't help u unless u start wanting to help urself, by at least providing the reality of ur feelings and life. Do it for u, and ur kids, and/ or ur spouse. Do it cause u don't want to feel this way for years or maybe longer. Trust me it is much easier if u do it. Let whatever is causing it to let u go and live ur life happier.

Marcie,

You need to be straight with your therapist. It is REALLY important. We can send you our love and support, but we're not professionals. Please, please, please contact your therapist and tell him/her what's really going on.

Also - you ARE a good person. If procrastination and having trouble getting our lives together make us "bad," then everyone is "bad." This is just NOT the case. We are all struggling & we all do the best we can. I've been trying to lose my weight for 30 years! That doesn't make me "bad" does it? I think that makes me a "survivor." I know that sooner or later, I'll get this right. No one around here (or anywhere else) is perfect.

I am so glad that you took the chance to open up to us. Now, please open up to your therapist. Also, keep in contact with us.

We love you,

Lynn

HA! What's bad is I don't even just lie to my therapist, I lie to myself. I remember a month ago I told my therapist that I was okay. Then 2 days later I stayed up for 48 hours (bipolar) and it was only during that manic time I was able to open up and write a letter about how I was truly feeling. Frankly I mostly feel like half the shell I was. I'm not a bad person. I don't even feel bad about my weight. I feel bad that I don't have the energy or motivation to be the kind of mom I was 2 short years ago. Frankly, I don't give a damn. That's my thought most days. The truth is, I do care. I just don't want to do anything about it. This ranges anything from cleaning my house, going back to school, cooking or spending time with my kids (very scary for a super mom to admit). But this week is good for me because I have the kids to myself and unlike a lot of people out there, I still take care of things and do what my family needs me to do. In the end I love my kids, just in a totally different way. Every day is a freaking struggle though.

Marcie, you have received some good advise from everyone and it does sound like you are in a depression. There are wonderful meds now to help, don't be afraid to ask for help.

You are not a bad person. What a great help and support you are just on this board and wanting to be a good Mom, trying to lose some weight is a very good sign that you want to do better. You sound overwhelmed! Be honest with your therapist, she/he can help you if you open up.

My mother use to stay in bed for days, when I was younger I could never understand, I just thought she had a cold or something. She spent her whole life unhappy....I truly hope you won't waste any more time being like this. Your young and have a whole wonderful life to live yet and beautiful children who love you and need you.

Never ever be afraid to ask for the help you need and deserve. I think you are a GREAT person Marcie with much to offer.

Take good care....Phyllis

I know I need to be honest with my therapist. After I wrote the post, Donna came on and IMed me, and made me laugh. I feel a lot better now. I know I will feel that way again, tho, so I will talk to my therapist when I see hi tomorrow. Thank you.

Marcie... You are amazing! You are a homeschooling mom of three! I coulldn't do that on my BEST day!
I sooooo have been there! HOLD ON!
You are worth it! I sometimes feel exacatly like you do and I do not even know why?! My husband is supportive, but...the depression and self loathing sets in..I DO UNDERSTAND! Just HOLD ON and know that you are worth it!
Allie

Marcie,

I strongly recommend that if your therapist does not send you to your doctor for a checkup that you go and tell them how you feel. I'm telling you - the meds worked for me when I needed them.

You are not a bad person -- and we all procrastinate. But your feelings you described are a classic sign of depression - not wanting to get out of bed, feeling overwhelmed and sad, etc. Depression is an illness and needs to be treated.

None of us are perfect -- you should see my house. There is laundry everywhere! My living room is covered in TV cables and cords right now. There's canned cat food all over my kitchen floor because my cat thinks it tastes better off the floor than the plate.

Superwoman is a total myth -- you cannot do everything. You cannot be perfect in everything. And Superman never actually did housework or took care of kids.

Hang in there girl - we all love you.

Thank you so much, guys. I am on Celexa. The problem I have with meds is that they work for about 3 months, then stop. I have tried nearly all of them. The sexual side affects really get to me-not to mention my husband. I just want to feel good. You know? I just sit here and cry. I am working with my doc, but I feel she doesn't quite know what to do with me. I wish you all lived close. But you are my lifeline. At least I don't feel I am alone. You understand me and accept me. I have so many decisions to make. I think you all are wonderful, and I know I can tell you anything.

(((((hugz)))))) Oh Marcie, I really do hope you feel better. From what i've read, you are an AMAZING woman and NEVER second guess that!! I"m dealing with that stupid depression thing to so I know how u feel. Just hang in there, dont give up!! Just remember that this support group is here for you!!!

Hi Marcie,

I, too, am on Celexa - so far it seems to be working. I do have my days - like you described - hard to get out of bed, etc. I just went through breast cancer and finished chemotherapy on December 6th. Somehow through all of this I have a different outlook than I did before. And, believe me, I do not wish cancer on anybody to change their outlook. I now live one day at a time - I think to myself "I can get through this moment, through this day, etc." and before you know it, I am feeling like I can do anything. Sometimes, I have to pray to get through whatever it is, but I get through.

Some things that really have helped me lately - have dinner with a good friend - go to see a really funny movie - exercise (that's a biggie) gets those endorpines going - I picked up a new hobby (I am now making jewelry) for people with cancer. I know its hard, but sometimes you have to just step out and do something just for you. You are so worth it!! Take it one day at a time, don't try to solve everything at once.

I did the thing with the therapist, too where I would go and just chit chat for an hour. After a while I thought - this is ridiculous - I am paying this woman to and nothing is happening. So I decided to get real - and it got real ugly for a while. But once I started to get real with my therapist, she could finally help me identify things that I could work on for myself. It really made a difference. So I encourage you to be honest with your therapist - she/he can handle it - and if she/he can't find someone who can. Because there are good ones out there.

Take care of you - and try to do something relaxing!! We are here for you no matter what!!

Hi Marcie,

I, too, am on Celexa - so far it seems to be working. I do have my days - like you described - hard to get out of bed, etc. I just went through breast cancer and finished chemotherapy on December 6th. Somehow through all of this I have a different outlook than I did before. And, believe me, I do not wish cancer on anybody to change their outlook. I now live one day at a time - I think to myself "I can get through this moment, through this day, etc." and before you know it, I am feeling like I can do anything. Sometimes, I have to pray to get through whatever it is, but I get through.

Some things that really have helped me lately - have dinner with a good friend - go to see a really funny movie - exercise (that's a biggie) gets those endorpines going - I picked up a new hobby (I am now making jewelry) for people with cancer. I know its hard, but sometimes you have to just step out and do something just for you. You are so worth it!! Take it one day at a time, don't try to solve everything at once.

I did the thing with the therapist, too where I would go and just chit chat for an hour. After a while I thought - this is ridiculous - I am paying this woman to and nothing is happening. So I decided to get real - and it got real ugly for a while. But once I started to get real with my therapist, she could finally help me identify things that I could work on for myself. It really made a difference. So I encourage you to be honest with your therapist - she/he can handle it - and if she/he can't find someone who can. Because there are good ones out there.

Take care of you - and try to do something relaxing!! We are here for you no matter what!!

Hi Marcie -

I don't know that I can contribute any more than what has already been said. If you have an antidepressant that is not working, adjustments may need to be made eith in dosage or in kind. It seems obvious to me that you are battling clinical depression. It also seem obvious to me that since your dh isn't around to knock you down you feel the need to take up the slack yourself.

I am not willing to let you do it. There are many wonderful things about you - I am sure we only know a few... You are funny, smart, kind, compassionate - I guarantee you - as we know you longer that list is going to grow. No matter what your kids see you as a role model so you need to do whatever you have to do to start treating yourself like the goddess you are.

You ARE good. You ARE worth it. Do you think any of us could live up to these impossible standards you set for yourself? Why do you insist on holding your own feet to the flame for not being perfect? NEWSFLASH: NONE of us are!!! I could tell you things about me that would make your toes curl - I am reasonably sure all of us could - but guess what?! That is life, that is how we learn and grow and develop into the fabulous creatures we are!

Marcie - you have to start getting real with your therapist if you expect to get the help you need. DAMN it woman! You are worth the effort! You have this window of opportunity - TAKE IT! Grow strong - be ready... I assure you - you CAN do this. You will be amazed at what you can do when you start to appreciate your own unique gifts and talents... cut yourself some slack! You can not be perfect every day. Just be the best you you can be. And don't listen when you start with that litany "I don't finish things, I procrastinate, I am lazy" This is all nonsense, Marcie. DOn't you let yourself agree to that. Even if it is true on some level - it is not true all the time every day and it DARN sure isn't doin you any good - so - KNOCK IT OFF...

DOn't make me get the whip, woman! I want you to start extending to yourself the same gracious kind attitude you extend to each of us. Please.

You know we luv ya! STay strong -