I am afraid.

I started a workout program last week, and I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'll always look like this. I'll always be pudgy, I'll always be fat. That I could do 100 crunches a day forever, that I could run marathons every week, and nothing will change. I'll always look like this. It's like a curse that you can never run away from.

I'm in a place right now where I can't get any support. I'm currently living in China, in a very small town. I'm the only westerner within at least 40 km. I can go days without having a complicated conversation. My students, as much as I love them, can't go a day without making some comment about how fat I am. I'm beginning to feel completely discouraged.

I've started taking a Chinese martial art, called Wu Shu, but I can't see that it's made any difference. I feel more flexible, but that's all. My clothes don't fit any better. So I started doing a Chinese workout DVD every other day, and I'm attempting a running program three times a week. (Go from coach potato to running five miles in eight weeks.)

I just want to like myself. I can't remember a time when I have, really.

It's hard for me to do any changes to my diet while I'm here. I'm trying to learn Chinese, but the market is still nearly impossible for me. I mostly eat in the cafeteria, and most of the time I don't even know what I'm eating.

I've given up caffeine (not quite, I fell off the wagon yesterday, and paid the price. I couldn't sleep. I'm back on the wagon today.) and replaced it almost entirely with water. I'm just not feeling like anything is going to change.

I need a buddy, someone who I can just email or Y!M with whenever the times are tough. Someone who understands what it's like to think you'll spend your entire life trapped in this body.

Wow, this is a much more angst-ridden post than I thought it would be. I'm sorry, and I'll try not to get angst all over the forums in the future...

Trouble

It sounds to me like you are exactly on the right track! With all that exercise, nothing is going to be able to stop you! My heart goes out to you - I know you can do it!! I have gone up and down with my weight for a while. When I feel so discouraged I remind myself of that artist that began his work of art with a huge lump of stone. He chipped away at it a bit at a time, and then one day it was a beautiful masterpiece! But the real thing is that the beauty was within the stone all the time. You keep on working, and you will reach you goals!!

Hello Trouble, welcome to 3FC . Your name caught my eye so I read your post. I understand your pain about the comments from your students about "how fat" you are. Think about it this way, you don't find many very large asians in their home countries due to their diets (other than Japanese sumo wrestlers and they bulk up for a reason) I think rather than cruelty, your students think size is a novelty. I have traveled to Thailand on a couple of occasions and the Thai people have commented on my size as well (and if you ask me I think Thai people are of smaller stature than the Chinese), but they are much more subtle with their choice of words , making reference to my large size in comments like "You look rich", rich = able to eat well enough to get fat . I had one tour escort say to my face "you're very fat"--it was a statement of fact, not meant to insult or anything--althought it did sting a little. I just laugh it off and continue on my way.

I also wanted to say that you seem to be on the right track with your exercise programs, martial arts are a great form of exercise and even help you find calm. Give it some time and you'll be reshaping your body in no time. I have adopted the mindset of loving myself always, not 'when I lose 10 lbs' etc, NOW. You are a great person no matter what size and don't let anyone tell you different.

I don't have any IM capabilities (that I know of), but you're welcome to join us on the "Weighty Issues" thread in the Support Groups forum. We're a varied bunch of gals who chat about the ups and downs of life, not just the ups and downs of weight loss. Again, welcome aboard 3FC and I'm sure you'll find a niche that suits you fine, there are lots of great ladies and a few men on all of the forums that will welcome you. Hope to see you there.

trouble you have come to the right place. i kind of know what you are going through. my husband is from mexico adn i don't speak the language. when we visit this summer it is going to be real hard to stay op and they don't eat healthy down there so i know i am going to be very tempted, but i will prevail. you are on the right place as far as the exercise program. it sounds like you are doing great. it will take time to see results. i remind myself everyday, i did not get this way over night and i am not going to be able to reverse it overnight. so it is one day at a time, well for me it is one bite and one step at a time. post often so we can get to know you and feel free to email me at [email protected]. good luck.