Hello, I'm new here and I'm hoping to find some friends that have been going through the same things I have for the past ... as long as I can remember. I was walking through a store the other day and I walked by a mirror and looked at myself and I hated everything I saw. No wonder no one wants to be friends with me, I'm dumpy frumpy, my hair is a disaster, I feel like I look like a busted can of biscuits, I hate all of it.

When I was young, all I can remember is that my mom was always on a "diet". Her and my aunt used to "joke" with me and call me bubble butt and thunder thighs and make a big deal out of it, usually in front of people. I was probably about 6 or 7 and was skinny and tall and awkward. From then on, I started looking in the mirror everyday and seeing things I didn't like. I didn't like that my hair was frizzy and didn't lay right or that I couldn't do anything with it to make it look nice (still can't - go figure), I didn't like that my upper arms looked too big or that my belly button was a round hole that made be look fat. My mom used to take Metabolife diet pills with Ephedrine (before it was otc banned) and I remember sneaking one of the pills before I went to school and it made me bounce off the walls for 2 days, I felt great, I wasn't hungry and I had so much energy. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade by then and still had horrible hair and my glasses ... someone please punch me and break them. I felt like I didn't fit in with anyone or anywhere.

Mom was back on another diet and I started reading every label and counting calories and cutting out pictures of thin people and telling myself not to eat because I'm fat and that's why people don't like me. I was getting away with drinking the slim fast shakes in the morning because I'd make mom's into a frozen frosty and she loved it and I just made myself one too. That's when I stopped really eating breakfast. 7th and 8th grade were HORRIBLE!! Aside from being dumpy, I still had bad hair, add bad skin (cystic acne), still didn't fit in, and I wasn't as developed as the other girls my age.

Fast forward to about 10 years ago (my early 20s), I was eating about a meal a day, restricting everything, exercising until I dropped and still trying to go to college full-time and work full-time. Still unhappy with how I looked. I remember mixing a bunch of diet pills and sitting in class and it hit me. Everything started to go black and I was really faint and flushed. I remember making it out of the classroom and into the hallway where I passed out. Not one person checked on me or asked if I was ok that was walking by, not one. That's when I started questioning my existence. I had gone my whole life and no one really wanted me around. No one cared enough. The thing about depression is that it starts with the feeling of sadness and hopelessness and then slides into numbness. You can't think of anything else except to stop the way you feel. Normal thoughts, like "what will my family think", don't cross your mind, you just want it to end.

Jump to today, my mom passed away about 2 years ago from cancer. I've always been really careful about what I put into my body (food-wise) but I know I've beat it up too. I just feel like I can't find the right combination to get the results I've been looking for. I can't do gluten, soy, wheat, dairy, most meat, and carbs. I still read every label and soy or gluten is in EVERYTHING and now there are "hidden" ingredients that our bodies can't process that are just thrown in for taste and preservation. I try to eat raw organic and mostly vegan, please much anything that doesn't come from the earth, I don't eat.

I workout everyday and try to walk 5 miles everyday. I've tried counting calories, carbs, macros, you name it and nothing seems to be working. I feel like I had some muscle definition and now I feel like everything is just a pile of goo. I'm assuming that I'm not eating enough or that I'm not eating the right amounts of the right things but every place I go, I get 15 different answers and I don't know what's right. I don't know why I can't get to where I want to be. I know it's not going to happen overnight and now I'm obsessing over "is my organic really organic" and then the depression sets in of "there's no hope, just accept that you're going to be fat and disgusting". I'm not a big food person and it's hard to force myself to eat when I'm not hungry and I'm a picky eater but I'm trying to branch out and explore more foods. You can only drink so many kale smoothies a day (but they're so good ...), then the dysmorphia chimes in and says "you're fat, fatty, do you realize you just had 50g of banana and how much you're going to bloat and jiggle and how much you need to work out to get rid of that banana?"

I just feel lost and I'm sorry for being all over the place. Aside from all of the negative family drama (it's been falling apart since mom died) and working full-time for little pay with a toxic, nosy boss, my mind is scattered all over the place. I can't even downward dog without noticing the dimple on my thigh or the puffiness around my knees. I don't know where to begin fresh and start anew. I'm tired of feeling with way. I'm tired of working for nothing and getting nowhere. I'm trying to be more health conscious and be more aware of what I eat and it's really hard to just shovel food in that I probably need in some way. If you all want to run the other way screaming I get it, it's been like that my whole life. I have zero friends because I don't belong anywhere so I've come here hoping to find some, or just one.

Welcome Jaifer! I'm new as here well. There are lot's of good post to read here and I would recommend you start your research there. I would also go see the doctor to see what he/she recommends that you can or can't do right now. It sounds like you are the same as most of us. You try anything under the sun but nothing seems to work. As I was trying different things I would always gravitate to "healthy" meals. Trouble was I was eating too much for my body. I was fooling myself into thinking if it was good for you you could eat as much as you like. I've been using Nutrisystem for the last 20 weeks and have had good luck with that. What I discovered was that each meal was only about 300-400 cal and high in fiber. The other thing I learned is that you have to have snacks along the way. Good snacks. Veggies. As far as how you feel about yourself. I know it's hard to see yourself looking different but it is possible. Just look at the goal pictures but when you do think to yourself "I can do that if they did it" not "I'll never get there." If being successful was easy everyone would be great. I'd say good luck but it's not luck it's you and you can do this.

Thanks for the advice. I figured a forum geared towards specific topics would be better than a google search that's all full of lies and advertisements. For me, it's not eating enough because of a fear of getting fat. After shifting to an all raw, natural organic diet, I did notice that my skin looked better and my workouts were starting to firm up some areas, I just can't wrap my head around eating. I have a carb intolerance and it's not too bad with veggie carbs, I tried the veto high fat and that's just gross to me and I can't seem to get enough protein that's not meat but not a bunch of carbs. I'm about 5'7" and weight around 125 but I just want that long, lean, toned body, but not overly masculine ... feminine with definition and I don't want a bubble butt even though every workout I google for toning is squats and lunges, which grew my legs in the past and put a lot of pressure on my knees.

Stop taking diet pills. Most of them don't work, and the pills that do work have dangerous side effects.

Stop starving yourself. Stop worrying so much about calories. It's not about how much you eat. It's about what you eat. If you eat a healthy and balanced diet, then you'll be healthier. Focus on eating real whole foods (e.g. vegetables, fruits, legumes, whole grains, nuts, seeds). Avoid junk foods like slim fast.

Are you sure you're allergic or intolerant to these foods? If you are, then there are plenty of alternatives. Instead of soy, eat chickpeas, lentils, black beans, and kidney beans. Instead of wheat, eat quinoa, amaranth, or millet. If you're looking for other healthy carbs, you can try sweet potato.

A vegan diet can certainly be healthy, but be sure to eat a balanced diet. This page has some helpful advice on how to eat a healthy vegan diet.

You don't need to avoid cooked foods. When you cook foods, some nutrients are partially destroyed, but other nutrients become more absorbable, so I suggest eating both raw foods and cooked foods.

If you're able to eat organic all the time, that's great. If you can't, then stop worrying so much about it. Eating non-organic vegetables is a LOT healthier than not eating any vegetables. The benefits outweigh the risks.

Like I said before, it's not about how much you eat. It's about what you eat. Eating bananas will not make you fat. Fruit actually helps with weight loss.

If you have trouble getting enough protein, try eating more legumes. Other good sources of protein are quinoa and pumpkin seeds.

When you say squats put pressure on your knees, are you sure you were doing the squats correctly? Maybe you can ask a trainer to show you the proper way to do them.

I am glad you shared. A few things you said stuck out to me - one is that you know you were raised with a hurtful damaging perspective on self worth and body image and you acknowledge you have body dysmorphia. Second, is that you are 125 pounds at 5’7. This site is geared toward helping folks lose weight, and from what you have revealed, you don’t need to lose weight. You need a fresh perspective.

It took me some time in therapy with a wonderful supportive professional who helped me see that all bodies are beautiful in all forms. We live in a flawed world and nothing is perfect, including the models on the magazine covers. We aim for health and feeling good in our bodies. It is clear to me (as someone who has struggled with this as well) that one with body dysmorphia will never be satisfied with what they see in the mirror no matter the size or weight she or he is, because what they are seeing isn’t accurate.

You are either underweight or at a very low weight for your height. You are worth talking to someone who can help you unravel the damage that the women who brought you up have either intentionally or unintentionally done. This habit is repeated from hurts passed down from their parents and they know no different and may not have realized how hurtful the things they did and said were to you. That kind of behavior and the way you were treated was not okay under any circumstance.

We live in a confusing, hyper-visual, information dense society - but there is hope. This site is a great resource for healthy eating and living - we are glad you’re here and that you have shared. I have found that the best thing you can do is find the wholesome foods you feel best eating, avoid processed food, and move to feel good.

Excellent post JulesMarion.

Hi Jnifer,
I am new here, just registered today. I have a lot of the same feelings you do when I look in the mirror- the frizzy hair, lumpy body, ugly face, and a body that quickly turns to muscle when I exercise, plus I do need to lose about 50 pounds. So, there are a few things I try to do to make myself feel a little better about my less than perfect image.
1: Look at a picture of a female athlete- even a track and field athlete- notice the defined muscles; these are healthy vibrant women who are not size 0.
2: Go to a salon and ask for a super conditioner treatment and a blow out. Buy a conditioner so you can do it yourself at home.
3: Go to a makeup counter and ask for a lesson on facial cover and contour. You don't have to buy their stuff, just make notes.
4: As the other posters said, please stay away from diet pills.
5: Go ahead and eat kale smoothies all day, just make sure you add tofu or nuts or chickpeas for protein. Your BMI is normal, so you can probably eat at least 1200 calories a day without gaining weight. If you feel that is too much, shoot for 1000.
6: Find a dysmorphia specialist to speak with on a regular basis.

She said she's 5'7" and 125 lbs, so her BMI is 19.6, which is within the normal range. If she wants to look more lean and toned, I think that's normal, but she just needs to understand that diet pills and starvation diets are not the answer. I think if she starts weightlifting regularly so she can build some muscle, she'll be more happy with the way that she looks.

I think 1200 is too little. At her current weight and height, I think she should aim for at least 1800 calories a day.

Eating a lot of kale, combined with iodine deficiency, can cause hypothyroidism, but you would have to eat a huge amount of kale for it to cause any problems. It may be a good idea for her to eat seaweed (because seaweed contains iodine).

I agree excellent post JulesMarion.

Im older than you. 70 on my next BD. Im 5"10 and a red head so I am some what familiar with being considered an odd Duck.

Speaking of Ducks. When I was younger I tried my best to fit in with the other Ducks. I did my hair the same. I wore the same clothes. I wore the same makeup. No matter what I did I just couldn't get it right. For years I tried. I always figured I just wasn't doing it right. After much soul searching and research it finally dawned on me. Im am not a Duck. Even with surgery I will never be a Duck. I am a Swan. When I started wearing colors and styles that flattered MY coloring and body shape instead of what was popular I had color instead of looking all pasty and washed out

I don't want to upset you but you may never have long lean, body if that's not your body type. I have an hour glass shape. I weigh 170 now. In 1968 when I graduated High school I weighed 124 and I was still an hour glass then.

Theres nothing wrong with you. You just haven't figured out who you are. I know its not popular any more but try a little reading on color theory and proportion dressing. Heres one to get you started

https://www.style-makeover-hq.com/body-shape.html

And try reading The Ugly Duckling. Its children's book but it still makes a lot of sense.

Agree with the first comment.