[Empathicways]

I will try to make this short but I just have a lot on my mind and really hope someone can relate and offer some wisdom I seem to lack right now. I apologize ahead of time because somehow I know this will be longer than I originally intended.

Ive read that most people tend to lose weight after discovering a cheating partner but it seems as if I have done the opposite.

Its been over a year now and I still feel extremely hurt and often times cry about it and experience extreme bouts of anger followed by long term depression.

When I met my partner. I was going through an abusive relationship with my now ex husband. We were together for 13 years and he constantly compared me to adult film actresses, which made my self esteem shrink to non existent. He was also physically abusive which only added to my low self esteem/worth. I eventually found my way into alcohol and drugs and weight gain. One day, I woke up and told myself I didn't deserve any of it. I quit all the habits and vowed to find a way out which eventually happened.

My relationship with this new guy grew into love and quickly. Perhaps it was because I found a guy who seemed to like me for my personality and didn't judge or maybe it was because of my past and that deep down I was lonely and jumped at the first guy to claimed to be different. Either way, it was amazing to have someone treat me so well. It was so perfect that our short long distanced relationship turned into me moving to be near him.

It was almost unreal how I felt. I was happy, I managed to loose a large amount of weight (50lbs) in 3 1/2 months. Guys were actually talking to me and asking me for my numbers. That was a first in many years. It was almost effortless too. I suddenly wanted to get my life in track and be healthy and as bad as this may sound, pretty for the guy who was so in love with me.

I honestly believe and felt like everything he told me was true. I had no reason to suspect anything was going on. Until one day my youngest daughter asked him what he was looking at on his social networking page and he literally snapped at her to get away. My suspicions grew then and plotted a way to get his password.

What I didn't know was that the whole time he was talking to a woman online about how fantastic she looked and how he wished to see special pictures of her, if you know what I mean. She apparently did this all the time for her friends and he fell into temptation. Some people can accept those things in a relationship but I am not one of those people who can and he knew my feelings behind it from the start.

To me, I viewed this as cheating. He spent time talking to her, complimenting her and was trying to make it go further than friendship. Maybe, it could be called, attempted cheating. I don't know... Either way, it felt like a stab to my heart, especially since he knew my past and how much it damaged me.

After discovering the emails, I literally fell apart. I am 298 lbs a year later. 64lbs gained in a year. All that happiness faded the instant I found out. He claims to be sorry and how it was a moment of weakness but in my heart, it will never feel that way to me.

I started eating to comfort my feelings. I stopped going places unless I really have too. I literally try to hide my life away in my apartment. I feel ashamed, deceived,ugly and the dreaded F word. I no longer talk to my friends because I feel like a failure.

Ive stayed with this guy, Ive been unhappy the whole time. I break up with him quite often (as in right now) and we somehow get back together. I am miserable with him and miserable without him. The hard part is how he claims he is different and has been good to me ever since. I cannot get over what he did and feel that he is just putting on another good show while secretly doing this all over again. There just isn't any trust to be had from me.

I am not sure exactly what I am asking for right now. I just woke up today after a few weeks of taking sleeping pills and drinking myself to sleep every night, to saying to myself that I don't deserve to do this to myself anymore and need some form of support to get my life back on track.

I am sorry that I practically poured my whole life story out, I guess I just needed to know someone heard it. I honestly feel like I am at rock bottom now and want to change it for the better and need a little support along the way.

[NEMom]

Sending hugs your way. I have been in similar situations and it is hard to get out. That being said, I am really worried about you, especially the drinking to medicate your feelings. I would strongly encourage you to find a mental health counselor for your depressions. If you are this tired and depressed, you are not only hurting yourself but your daughter. If you do not have insurance, find a County mental health agency in your community for assistance.
When it comes to losing weight, make small changes in your diet now, eliminate some of the unhealthy foods. Force yourself to start walking, take your daughter to the park, anything to just get moving. Exercise will not only help with weight loss but it will also help with your depression.

[Lovely]

You aren't alone. And the only thing you deserve in life is the ability to be happy and healthy as you can.

I certainly can't tell you what to do about a relationship, I can only say that at some point you will be forced to decide if his company is worth repairing trust. And perhaps couples counseling (or even speaking to someone on y our own) would help point you in the right direction for you.

I can tell you, though, that emotional eating is COMMON. Losing weight becomes a heavier burden (pardon the pun), because we're not only dealing with the weight loss itself, but the emotions we had been soothing with food.

There's a light here, though. Changes can be made. We can find proper responses to emotional situations. We can regain control over food.

You can do this. I hope to see you around the boards!

[Lylitu]

I feel you. Take some time to think though, some time for yourself. Do you see yourself being able to forgive him? You said hes treating you great now but you still can't forgive him? If you can't, that's okay. Take the opportunity to start fresh with everything! If you can forgive him, be happy with him!

It sounds like you have dealt with a lot and are just suffocating those feelings maybe with the drinking/etc and just stuck. It's happened to almost everyone, definitely has happened to me. We just can't move forward, it's so hard. But I and a lot of us are here for you. Change is so good, be excited about what you can do now!

[susiemartin]

Been there too.
Believe me when I tell you his behavior has NOTHING to do with you - it's all about HIM.
The best revenge is living well. Be brave, get healthy and move on without him.
Sending hugs your way

[lagorditadecolorado]

*hug* I agree with NeMom, you should really considering counseling, maybe for the both of you too if you really love him. If you are going to stay with him, and eventually be happy, you're going to have to find a way to not only forgive him, but trust him too. Otherwise you will continue to be miserable. I spent 5 years in a clinical depression before I got help. Let me tell you, I knew when I was out of it and it felt like I was flying. Get out of the dark, it can be done. I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to start walking toward it.

[lagorditadecolorado]

< lol I finally looked up how to do the real one

[ValRock]

I'm so sorry...

I'm going to be a bit harsh here maybe. Get it together!! If you can't be happy with yourself, no man will do it for you! NO MAN is worth that level of pain. Get yourself to a place where you are happy with YOU, FOR YOU!!!

*hugs* You can do this!!

[amy3469]

I agree with NEmom. I've been in the same boat. Actually kind of scary how similiar it sounds. Thank god you left the abusive loser you were with 1st. The next guy,that did the online thing, I understand that, too. People do change, they can, that I am sure of. But, right now you need to take care of YOU. Also, you said you ahve children. you need to do this for yourself and your children. You are worth it and so are your kids! I know you want to crawl under the covers and sleep, but you can't.
You're the only one that can do this, and you CAN do this! You have to be able to love yourself.
Your life is worth it. You're not a failure. You see there's a problem and you're strong enough to change things!
Trust me, I have been there, and you can do it!

[AmberJae]

I am sorry if I repeat whot those above me have said. When I read your post I felt the strong urge to just skip to the commment.

I went through a similar string of events. I'm not sure how many people have said this but it will help you imensly if you can get therapy with a counselor. I too consider internet relationships cheating and no matter what your man says he won't be able to help you "get over" what happened.

I can't advise you to leave him or stay but I know that once you get a better grip on your self worth you will know exactly what is best for you. I won't bore you with the details of my ordeal but I am a much better person, stronger and wiser, because I sought help from a therapist. I I know I never would have gone to therapy had the guy had not pushed so many of my buttons. This is the only reason I am thankful for my brush with online cheating.

Best of luck and strength to you. It is a hard journey to take.

[tired of fat 2011]

Hello! I have to agree with Valrock here. You have to get to the source of why you are still with someone who clearly doesn't value YOU and the RELATIONSHIP. If you're having to sneak and figure out a way to get his password, that's a problem. And yes, that is cheating. If he's not able to tell you that he's talking to this female and the conversations they are having, then HE KNOWS it's wrong. So the question, why do you continue to let him treat you like that? YOU are worth more and YOU deserve more than that.

I told my (now husband), there are two things that CANNOT be forgiven and you WILL be sorry if you do these 2 things to me: you cheating on me and you abusing me (in any form). I told him this on our first date as I always did when I dated....lol.

We have been together for almost 12 years now. I grew up around women who were abused and my mom was cheated on constantly by my father. She has kids and it took a long time for her to leave. I knew then, when I was as young as 6 or 7 that I did not want to live like that.

I'm sending HUGS and good thoughts your way!

[fatgyrl]

Welcome to 3FC. I am new here too. I feel for you. Start making small changes and as you gain more and more control, what you need and want to do should become clearer. Every journey begins with a single step.

[ticklemepink]

Your def not alone. Women go through this all the time. Now you have to pick up the pieces and move on. Yes, it's hard and easier said than done, right? Once you get to the point of desperately needing to change you will find the will power and be determined to make changes. You can do this by making small changes and remember to breathe. Take out the processed foods, sodas, & sugar and you will be amazed at what small changes can make. *hugs* you can do this!

[ajwaldron]

i really dont think we all have the strength to withstand cheating partners,i was a victim that suffered in the hands of my spouse until i found a spy that was introduced to me by a friend,his address is hacknspytech at gmaildotcom, he got me so much evidence to divorce rightfully.i am back to being myself now and happy.