I joined 3FC tonight, and feel this is one of the hardest things I've ever written (and I'm a writer by trade)!
I have a tough relationship with food, and have used it as an emotional crutch for as many years as I can remember. I've had issues, too, with alcohol and depression, but with the booze well and truly under control now for several years, food has replaced it.
Currently, I binge eat in secret, and hide my eating from my husband. We've been together for ten years, and he travels a lot for work, and is regularly away from home, so it's also easy for me to eat with abandon when he's not around.
I have no idea of my weight at the moment - there are no scales in the house. However, I know it's the heaviest I've ever been, probably somewhere in the region of 17st, and beginning to develop issues with breathing and joints (knees, especially).
I feel disgusted with myself, utterly miserable, constantly tearful, ugly, beaten-down and convinced I'll never get my addiction to food under control. It feels smothering and overwhelming.
I don't talk to my husband about any of this. He's a man of the steeliest willpower imaginable, and not particularly understanding of anything even remotely resembling depression or mental health issues.
I've never sought any form of counselling or advice for my eating, and I don't know what I hope to gain from writing all of this here, tonight. I don't know any friends who suffer similarly, but maybe getting all this out there will prove at least a little cathartic!
More than anything, I guess I would like food to stop controlling me and having an adverse affect on my health and self-confidence.
A little pointer in the right direction of which forum to start with would really be appreciated.
17 st = 238 pounds? It probably sounds overwhelming to you right now, but trust me - you can do this! I started at 202 6 months ago. It was scary at first, but once I got into it and had one success, things went well. You are lucky that your husband isn't a big snacker. For me, getting a scale, recording what I ate, adding exercise, and joining the challenges worked. Congrats on the drinking as I would think that is tough to kick when you are alone a lot.
Welcome. I completely understand where you are coming from. I also view my relationship with food as an addiction. I struggle the most with snacking at night. I have started to really come to terms that it is an addiction in the last few days and have began treating it as I would if I was tryig to overcome drugs. It really does help when I start to make my way to the refrigerator at night and feel helpless. I take deep breaths and remind myself that it is my addiction telling me that I need to eat not my stomach. You over came alchol you can over come this.
Thank you so much for your lovely welcomes, Bslope0 and Nightowlrn. I was actually shaking a little as I went to read your responses!
The thought of writing down what I eat really frightens me, and I've never done this before. It makes sense, though, so I'm resolved, from today, to start doing it. Do you think of it as a 'deterrent' or a learning tool? (perhaps a bit of both)?
Thank you, again, for understanding. You probably already know what a relief it is for me to connect with those who know exactly how I'm feeling.
I'm a calorie counter, so your mileage may vary, but logging food has been a good way for me to budget out what I eat and when for the day. It also serves as a reassurance that even though I'm trying to control my calorie intake, there's still some wiggle room every now and again for a treat without completely falling off the rails. That's helped me to steer clear of junk food binges, and has helped me really turn this into a lifestyle change instead of a diet.
Re food diary. I use the app that is with Fitbit, but there are many others. For me, it was a learning tool as I had never really thought much about calories, which was quite evident to anyone who looked at me last spring....
I was lucky, from a metabolic point of view, until I turned 45. I maintained a stable 120-130 between 15 and 45 years old without a thought and with many pregnancies. Then, a combination of kids grown and gone, job stress, reintroduction of alcohol into my everyday life (not a lot while I was raising kids), and lots of job related travel combined to create a me that 10 years later that was 80 pounds too many.
For whatever reason, something last May clicked and I decided I need to figure "me" out. The weight was literally dragging me down, so that was a big part of it. I was still young enough to make lifestyle changes and add exercise. Most importantly, I wanted to avoid surgical intervention for a number of reasons. My first step was to get a scale, track what my calorie requirements were, and track what my intake actually was. I did that for a week and was SHOCKED!!! Shocked I didn't weigh more actually.
Now, I log my intake as a reminder and deterant. after 6 months at this, I have figured out my body and know what trades I need to make to maintain or to lose. ...if I can only choose 1 to maintain my calorie goal for the day, do I want chips or protein packed chicken? If I have wine tonight, I will skip the bread and dessert. The last 6 months haven't been easy, but it is totally doable!!! So, figure yourself out and then you can figure "it" out. I will say upping my protein and water and getting most carbs and processed foods out of the house is huge for us. More protein and lots of veggies and exercise has absolutely decreased our desire for carbie junk. Also, I am lucky because my husband is on board and has lost 30 pounds just eating what I put in front of him and going with me on bike rides and doing an elliptical.
The first step....
