Hi guys
Struggling with depression and anxiety for the better part of a decade with food as my primary comfort, I went from a skinny girl to a fat woman. Entering a new decade of life, I had to put my foot down. Enough was enough. I went from 86 kilos to around 58 in late 2013. It was an epic and wonderful journey. I felt like I was coming back to life. It transformed my perspective and made me feel hopeful about the world again.
While 57-58 was a little too thin for me, I maintained 60-65 for a while. However my weight has been yo-yoing up again since my wedding in 2015 (for which I got down to 60) and now I am 70 kilos, and feeling the fear of losing myself to weight and unhappiness again. I'm just on the cusp of being properly fat. People are treating me differently. I'm feeling ugly. My self-esteem is suffering. Nothing fits. It's made me really sad that I've let things get bad again, having been through so much the first time.
My stomach and legs are bothering me the most. My tummy is huge. It ruins the look of my clothes and makes me feel physically uncomfortable. Right now I have so much cellulite on my calf area I can only wear long pants. I am in a very image conscious environment where a size 6 is the 'right' size for a woman to be. An 8 is considered acceptable. A ten is pushing it. Size 12 is borderline unacceptable, and at a size 14 and up and you're out of the game. It's hard to be around this. I am sensitive and really feel the judgment. Having been considered very skinny as a young person (teased for it actually, oh the irony) I feel this weight gain really acutely. I have a lot of pride, so it's tough to occupy this space.
I was actually around 71.5-72 a week ago and have already lost a little bit. I am rediscovering my old standbys, including banana and cacao 'ice-cream', green smoothies, salad-based meals, plenty of lean meat and raw brownies and feeling healthier already. I am walking about an hour- two hours a day and will add some resistance exercises in the next few days too.
I am hoping to start a new job soon, which I'd like to do feeling my best. My goal right now is to get to 65 around Christmas/NY, and then back down to 60 through January. Really need this. This time I'll be taking exercise more seriously. When I get my weight down closer to a point where I can wear my old workout gear, I will consider taking up a disciplined class regimen or joining a gym.
I appreciate the support of a community. I have been a member of a different site in the past, but the level of engagement there has really died off and made me feel a bit alone, so I hope that being here will be more inspiring!
Nice to meet you!
weight loss, the sequel
