[HHGray]

I actually found this site I think ... over five years ago, but I didn't register because I didn't want to think I had enough of a problem to have to. Because to me, that's what needing support for weight loss was. I thought that by getting help or support or reaching out was no good, but I get now, and I've understood for awhile, that I was young and very wrong. I found this site again, funnily enough, while searching for beet recipes and I was like ... I think this is another sign.

I've been morbidly obese for almost ten years now. My heaviest weight I was literally one pound away from 400, and that's kind of when I realized that I'm really in denial. I tried getting a trainer last year but after awhile it just felt really miserable and my trainer was a guy younger than me who would actually guilt me for my weaknesses. He was nice and all, but he just didn't get it, especially when I had to explain the extreme trauma that caused my depression and weight gain. I'm not even 30 yet and I've already probably ruined my body. I'm now on medication for a blood clot they found in my leg, which was probably most upsetting to me because I've been working at losing weight (I've lost 35 pounds so far), and it felt like it wouldn't even matter that I was really trying because it was too late.

One of the things that helped me start losing weight was that I stopped counting calories. Food diaries just never worked for me because I'd get obsessed and anxious. I stopped trying to be on a diet and just tried to be more mindful about what I ate, and it's working. I don't binge at night anymore, or order takeout when I'm the only one in my apartment. I still purge though, which isn't good, and always makes me miserable. It's not actually something that's helped me with my weight loss, it's just a coping mechanism for guilt when I feel like I've overeaten. However, I don't do it as much as I used to, and I think that's progress in some way. I don't try to make deals with myself anymore, or try to trick myself, or say that "if I only consume x I'll lose x by x" to try and make it seem like a quick fix. I've finally accepting that it's a long process of loving myself again.

The whole "no fat-shaming" movement actually has really helped me! It helped me realize that I am beautiful, even if I am fat, and I can look cute and flirt and be well-received no matter my size. I actually went and bought myself some really nice clothes and totally changed my wardrobe, which is something I had avoided doing because I felt either I was going to get too big to wear the clothes or I'd delude myself with "I'll lose weight anyway, it's a bad investment", but getting these new clothes have actually helped me too. I'm big, but I feel really pretty now, and so the only thing I need to really work on is getting healthier so I can get back to doing stuff I loved when I was a teenager. One of my biggest pitfalls is that I really hate exercising because I get so bored, and I feel like I could be working or something instead ... not a good mindset.

But still, I need help. I'm glad I'm finally over myself and I can register here and post on this forum. But anyway, thanks for your time. I look forward to doing my best.

[aml0017]

Hi HHGray, good to see you! You seem to have the right mindset now and that is half the journey. It is a journey! You will have setbacks and get back on the horse, but it will be worth it in the end. The great thing about this site is you can always find support and encouragement without judgement. There are always people who have been where you are and can relate.

I totally feel you about the clothes. I am so bad about buying nice things for myself, like I refuse to be the size I am now. I wear a uniform to work and on weekends I'm mostly a homebody so I have been getting away with wearing the same old stuff over and over again. It is a comfort zone, a sort of denial really. The fact that you have accepted where you are now is awesome. Like, it is what is is, now let's move forward. I've been having a hard time with that.

As for exercising, do what you can when you can. When you have a lot of weight to lose, every little bit counts. When I last lost weight, I did it all with just diet, no exercise. This time around I am choosing to exercise because I want my body to be strong and fit, but I am starting slow. As for the trainer, if one trainer doesn't motivate you, get another one. It is like a doctor, you have to find the right fit.

[Jacqui_D]

HHGray! I love your post! It says so many things that I would have told you! Eat healthily. That's the key! Exercise is great, but it's not what is going to take the weight off, despite what the infomercials say. What you eat and how much you eat is what matters most for weight loss and you've discovered that and dropped 35 lbs! CONGRATS!!! And good for you recognizing that you are beautiful and deserve to feel that way with nice clothes! I'm glad you joined us! Good luck on the rest of your journey!