Hi there. I'm new here and am hoping that having support will help me finally lose weight. I need to get a lot off my chest though because I've never actually had anyone to talk to regarding this before, so... You don't have to read the rest of this post!
I was actually stick thin when I was little, but then when I was about 6 or 7 I had this massive growth spurt and got really tall and really fat out of nowhere. I've been tall and fat ever since, and no amount of exercise in my youth (I played 3 sports) curbed it.
I am 5'9" and currently weigh 240 lbs, but at my heaviest, I weighed 260. The last time I weighed under 200 lbs was when I was 14. A few years ago, I was a complete shut in and rarely left my room. During that time I just sipped on one or two Arnold Palmers per day and only ate whenever I wasn't afraid to leave my room, which was usually once per day for something small like a pack of ramen. I had lost about 50lbs that way within about 6 months (down to 210) and I hate every day that I basically gained it back. But it was unhealthy and I don't want to do it that way again.
I try really hard not to be a shut in these days, but it's still really difficult for me at times. Even going outside is a big victory for me sometimes. (Not as much as it used to be though, since I weathered 1.5 years of a customer service job... Just quit not too long ago to do freelance art/design. I feel like I'm recovering from an illness. I was not suited to that position.) We have a really nice state trail right by my house that I really like to walk/bike on, but my desire to not see any other human beings ever when I'm exercising basically gives me a lot of anxiety about going on it. I'm a perfectionist and I think part of my anxiety is tied into me not wanting people to see my body in such a state.
I've had moderate success in the past with Atkins and keto, but most of my life my diet has been carbs only, so sticking with it was always a challenge. Most of my cravings are for crunchy, salty foods like chips, crackers, or my favourite, popcorn (air popped). I don't really like sweets much. My mom lost about 70 lbs on Atkins and has kept most of it off, so I think cutting back on the carbs is a good idea.
I struggle with unsupportive family members who have undermined my attempts to lose weight in the past, then fat shamed me about it. For example: I have a grandmother who makes me treats and cookies and unhealthy meals. She will cry and throw fits if I don't eat them or even ask her politely to stop. When I start eating what she makes me, she'll fat shame me and say I shouldn't be eating that stuff and that I need to get out and exercise because I'm a big balloon and I should be fearful for my life. Another example: Just today I just asked my father if I could use his treadmill he keeps in storage, because he's had it for forever and never uses it himself. He told me "not to be rude, but there's a 300 lb weight limit". When I told him that I weigh 240, he basically laughed at me and said "wanna bet?"
I'm also broke. I try to eat better nowadays (lots of vegetables, I no longer eat most breads). Eating healthy is kind of expensive. I have maybe $100 for the whole month to live off of after bills and rent, so I pad my food with rice a lot of the time. (And unfortunately not the good rice either. I was given a 50lb bag of processed white rice for free, so...)
My doctor wasn't helpful. I thought like I was going to cry or puke or both when I finally went for a physical after 10 years of avoiding the doctor's office like a plague and tried to address a few health problems I've been experiencing, including weight. He basically said calories out > calories in, and offered to refer me to a nutritionist. When I said I wasn't able to see them due to work, he didn't even offer to help me find other alternatives. I was finally seeking help after a lifetime of being fat, and I felt like I got the door slammed in my face.
But anyway. I tend to stuff my face when I'm bored or lonely or frustrated. I need help sticking to a routine. Doing something regularly is really difficult for me; ****, I couldn't even stick to taking medication for epilepsy and asthma regularly because I just couldn't be bothered to go find my purse in the morning or at night when I'm groggy or exhausted. (I'm officially off the epilepsy meds, not to worry about that.) I often have trouble caring enough to keep to a routine. I think I give up before I really try. I also think the nature of weight loss--slow and incremental--just makes me think I've failed when I'm really making progress. I feel like I'm daunted by how long it's going to take me to reach my goal weight of 160ish lbs. If I could just exercise like a madwoman and actually SEE results happening, I think it would be a different story.
But I'm going to try. I met a lot of online friends in November last year. We all flew out to California and had a great time partying together for a whole week, but I still felt super self-conscious. A few of the guys were big, I was the only girl there out of 7 who wasn't skinny as a rail. (One was literally 80 lbs! She was really tiny though, under 5ft tall. I swear her thigh was like the size of my forearm, I felt so out of place standing next to her in particular.) I'd like to surprise them all this year by arriving 50 lbs lighter than I was. So I have until November to lose 55 lbs. (I've gained 5lbs since November unfortunately.)
So that's my goal. If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading, it's actually been really theraputic just typing this out. Maybe we can help each other out.
Finally trying to get my life together. Hoping to find support here.
