This post is probably going to be a bit long and a bit much for an introduction but I'm not sure where to begin and I feel like I have thousands of things to say.
Let me start with some basics. I'm AJ, I'm 30 years old and I weigh over 400lbs. I've never said that openly. I don't know how much that I weigh exactly because I need to update my scale. My weight is the collision point of a lot of different circumstances, factors, situations and choices. I don't blame anyone thing other than my inability to manage all of the little things that add up to a big BIG problem.
I was diagnosed with BiPolar1 over a dozen years ago. I have some sort of neurological problem and have been through thousands of dollars worth of treatment. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was diagnosed with degenerative osteoarthritis in my spine at the ripe age of 20. I went on my first diet (SlimFast) at age 6 and by the time I was 12 I was skipping meals but the weight continued to pile on. Later I would discover PCOS and the effect of my birth control shots (started at age 13 to prevent pregnancy as a result of abuse.) I went through periods of food scarcity and abundance and gained and gained and gained. I weighed over 300lbs at age 14. I had already been yo-yoing for 40lbs or 60lbs by not eating and swimming or not eating and walking or vomiting. I maintained a weight in the 260-280 range for most of my teen years and weighed 310 when I went to my first OB/GYN appointment with my daughter. The clinician actually wanted me to weigh myself at the fire department since they had a reliable industrial scale but I never did. I had pre-eclampsia and was about 420lbs when my daughter was born. The surgery was bad. Very bad. I took pain medication constantly for 6 weeks postpartum and lost 40lbs by the time I had my staples removed.
The weight crept back on, I changed my "set point" from 300 to 420-440 it seems. I divorced shortly after and by avoiding a long list of foods I was able to shed 140lbs in about 3 months. It just dropped off. I started to learn how much my emotional state was directly related to my size. I maintained the new weight for almost 2 years. I got pregnant again (from hubby #2) and gained a lot of weight very quickly but miscarried at 9 weeks. It was traumatic (I was alone during a tornado and essentially had L&D 30 weeks early.) The weight loss victory was gone by that point.
New hubby has PTSD from Iraq. Our life is crazy and chaotic. My medication is supposed to make it difficult to lose weight. My OB/GYN is less than helpful. I see a pain doctor for the spinal problems and he is helpful but has a limited sphere of influence. My psychiatrist is my saving grace and I believe that he will help me more than anything. My husband isn't antagonistic or unhelpful, he is just not helpful (if that makes sense.) He only understands the Army way of losing weight and I have days that I can't get out of bed so that doesn't work.
Today I hit my breaking point and decided that I have to do something to lose weight. I'm going to die. I once approached diet and exercise in this flippant way but today I feel like I'm ready. The people around me are openly supporting weight loss surgery but I don't think that it's right for me. Deep down I know that this weight is directly related to inflammation problems that I've struggled with for years. I have been exposed to some horrific chemicals and I have been through the ringer. Deep down I know what I'm supposed to be doing but I really want to find other people to cheer me on and be there with me. My husband is great and would be a great help but this isn't about him or our relationship, it has to be about me. I want control back. I want my SELF back.
I lost weight before when I could barely afford to eat and now I sit in a nice brick house in suburbia with everything at my fingertips and I imagined that the weight would just fall off as soon as I could afford that $20 head of exotic vegetable and that $4k elliptical machine. I have both and there's no magic happening. What I've learned along the way is that I don't know much of anything. Here are my personal dieting discoveries (I don't advocate them for anyone else, obviously.)
1) I have a bad track record with surgery, so that's off the table.
2) I have to take my meds. Even if they make me hungry and even if I have to eat with them, they are a requirement.
3) I have to watch out for carbs, I don't do well with those - no matter how whole they are or how healthy, I just can't. Even beans are a no-go.
4) I have to take my Adderall (judge if you want but when my focus wanes I forget that I'm not that person who snacks all day.)
5) I'm not an island and even though I want to do this all by myself, I need other people (this is the hardest for me.)
6) I really do love myself. All of these years later I can finally say it with sincerity. I love myself and I have to do this to take care of myself.
7) Lucky number 7. I can do this.
So, I think I've bared my soul as much as I can think of. I'm hoping that there are other people out there who can help me along the way and that some day I will be the helping hand.
