Hi gang.
In no certain order: I'm 44. Divorced. Smart. Educated. Accomplished and Successful. I'm the mom of 2 - one out of college and one almost 15 yr old at home.
I'm also fat.
Ok, there - I said it. I'm fat.
I have always been heavier than most but could carry it well - I'm 5'7 1/2. I'm one of those people who was a size 6 and looked skinny at 145-150. In my early 30s I hovered around 150-160. Then the "creep" began after my separation from my ex - and I was hovering around 180. When the divorce turned custody-battle ugly (I mean seriously ugly - call the police ugly - he kidnapped my daughter ugly) I started to drink red wine and eat chinese (lol). I hit 200. More red wine, more stress, less caring what I looked like - 210. My career took off - got promoted to the senior management ranks at a Fortune 100- working long hours in front of a computer and corporate America took its toll - 220 - now drinking good red wine. I wasnt dating and didnt care. I had my children, my work, my money and a chef's kitchen in which to turn on my hobby - gourmet cooking. I didnt get fat on burgers and fries - and I dont like sweets. I got fat on my own veal marsala and risotto and brie and fresh pasta and ... great red wine - 240.
Then, summer of 2011, I met a guy. I felt sexy. I started working out - eating right - weight dropped - I went from 240 to 209 that summer. My doctor was happy and so was I. I looked and felt great. I was actually SHOPPING for sexy clothes and looked good in them - size 14 was a perfect fit. Then me and the guy settled into a niiiice comfortable relationship - he doesnt work out - and he likes red wine and good food. You know what happend - the creep. 250!
Ok, so a month ago I got onto the scale for the first time since I was 209 in the summer of 2011. I knew it was bad before I stepped on. I reached into the close for a "fat" suit for a meeting and my 18 was too tight. Alarms went off. I mustered up the courage to get onto the scale - 251. I felt the room tilt sideways. This had to stop.
I make excuses about why so out of breath when I climb stairs. I dont recognize my face in the mirror. My eyes squint when I smile. I cant hold my legs crossed at the knee without lots of effort. My feet hurt to wear heels too long. My thighs rub together and wear holes in the inner thigh of my jeans. My belly is bigger than my butt. I have a little fat hump formed at the center of my upper back by my neck. I feel self-conscious when I fly on airplanes, like I am one of those people nobody wants to sit next to because I take up so much room. I have to think about how every outfit hides things instead of thinking about how good it makes me look or how much I just like the outfit. I hate taking photos.
So, this holiday season, I was invited to a number of formal affairs. I normally avoid these because 1. I dont want to see anyone and 2. I dont look good in anything. However, I just decided to accept all invitations and have fun. THAT was the real tipping point - standing in those store fitting rooms with the 3 way mirrors trying on gowns. Ugh!! Then finally selecting some matronly thing and going to the affair where people took pictures and they want to show you immediately - double UGH! You never look worse than you do in a photo!!
Ok, so after all that torture I put myself thru, I decided I'm done with it. No wine - I dont even miss it. I started walking 3 miles each morning and using a tracker on my iPhone - and using the FitDay app which I used last time I lost. Right now just working to get my metabolism burning because I know that's a key for me.
I have lots of goals over the next year - a few speeches to give in the next 2 months (giving speeches is harder when you are heavy), a formal in April and May, a cruise in July and, of course, the summer....but, most of all, I just want to get rid of "it" once and for all and see what/who comes out from behind these blubbery shadows.
I am 244 today. I'd like to be around 150....so I guess I am close enough to the 100 lbs to lose club - since I already lost 7.
Hope this wasnt too long and made sense. Just telling it like it is - for once.
Bleu
