[Ellaroxy321]

Well tomorrow is the big day. The dreaded start to yet another weight-loss effort. In the past 10 years I'm certain I've spent over $10,000, wrote countless journal entries, googled a million weight-loss tips and all that got me was 80 extra pounds scattered around my already large body. I'm not sure of my exact weight, I will find out on Tuesday when I start Personal Training sessions for the second time. I pray this time becomes my journey and not my failed effort.

I'm terrified I am going to fail. I feel like the entire world is against me with their intriguing fast food ad's, once a month holiday's that center around over-indulging yourself, and expensive healthy alternatives that never seem to taste as good as their lard soaked cheaper and oh so delicious sister's. Anxiety has it's grip on me which makes going to the gym a dreadful task. All the people who could be looking at me and judging me makes my skin crawl. Not to mention the elephant in my head that makes me think if I work too hard I will drop dead right in the middle of the gym.

But, despite all the reason's telling me not to lose weight there is one really great reason to do it. Well 3 reason's actually. Their names are S, L and my new baby R and they are worth it. Many people would read that and think it's ridiculous to say I don't want to lose weight so I can fit into cute clothes or be confident in social settings. They would say I should be doing it for myself and not other people. They would say I will fail if I don't do it for myself. But the truth is I don't think very highly of who I am and all I want to do is crawl in bed with a box of Ferrero Rocher's, watch Ellen and disappear. My family is what I live for. Everyday I get out of bed to take care of my daughters because they need to eat and be shown how much I love them. Everyday I clean so my husband has a nice house to come home to. If I had a choice I would probably drown myself in alcohol and drugs. My family does not deserve that. They did not cause the hurts from my past. They are the beauty of my present and the wonder of my future.

I will take this first step for them. I will take these terrifying and overwhelming steps so I can be my husband's arm candy and run along side of my daughters. I will take them so I have the energy to play all day and energy to keep our house in order.

And now for a quote from one of my favorite before and after threads:
In ONE year you will be GLAD you started today.

[Misti in Seattle]

Hello and

So glad you have joined us.

To be honest, I had to think a bit about how to respond to your post, as I want to be sensitive and caring. But I could not help but notice how *negative* you are feeling about all of this! Obviously you are discouraged, and I think probably every one of us in here can relate and have felt that way. But you CAN do this!

It sound as if you have come to the right place! There is a lot of support and encouragement here. But there is also something else important... together we learn to make it FUN! Now that is not to say there is never any "drudge" or discouragement, because there is. But there are also those wonderful NSVs (non-scale victories) which excite us as we are able to share them! There are challenges here... exercise groups... faith based groups... just about everything you can think of.

You are right in that a lot of people say you have to do it for yourself.. but I totally agree with YOU that it is wonderful that you are doing it for other people... in particular your special little kiddies and your hubby! We *are* supposed to love others more than we love ourselves, and those sweet little children are your responsibility. Good for you! And as you make progress, your confidence will grow.

You do not need to spend thousands of dollars... or have special expensive programs and books (although if some of those help you, by all means go for it).

You did not say approx. how much you need to lose but I can assure you there are people here who need to lose huge amounts of weight and some who need to lose just a few pounds. All are welcome, and all are encouraged... and a lot HAVE lost incredible amounts of weight and now look fabulous! Others of us are still working at it and will get there eventually.

Hang in there... and please, please... try to look at this as a *positive* thing -- you are sounding defeated before you start! Understandable... but NOT the way to move into this.

We are all here for you.