[LymieHugh]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice. My sister is rather overweight and the whole family are very worried about her. She's in her mid 40s has two young kids and a demanding job. That said she's always struggled with her weight since she was young although when she has put her mind to it she has managed to stay slim and fit. That said at the moment she's really struggling. It's a very difficult topic for anyone to speak with her about because she gets very upset about it but she needs to do something. So I was wondering whether you guys have any suggestions of how she can get to grips with the situation and effectively lose weight for the long term. It strikes me there are some unresolved emotional issues that maybe need sorting out and are at the crux of it all. I was wondering whether a personal trainer or life coach would be worth while. I think she would benefit from someone to work with who isn't directly involved (family friends etc). Anyway if anyone can associate or has any ideas they would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks,

Hugh

[DandelionCupcakes]

Hey there. I think that weight is such a personal issue that there's absolutely no way anyone can say something to a person without offending them. :/ So even though it's fantastic that you want to help, these are dangerous waters my friend

Are you interested in working out more or getting in shape or anything? I dunno what your weight/height/athletic abilities are but if you have any personal goals you can set you can always let her know her know that you're interested in starting a program and you know she lost weight at one point and you're super interested in talking to her about it and maybe getting her involved.

Helping others totally helps me stay on plan. :]

[1spunkygal]

Until SHE is sick & tired of being sick & tired there is NOTHING anyone can do to lead her down the path of good health. We have all been there it HAS to come from within. This is very thoughtful of you though.

[Bethyboop26]

I agree, it does have to come from within. I know from personal experience that when my family tried to talk to me about my weight that it just made my self-esteem drop even lower and I ended up eating more. I hope she is able to do it for herself soon!

[LymieHugh]

Thanks for all your responses - I really appreciate it.

I do understand that weight and weight loss is a deeply personal thing and tbh I have no desire to interfere with this issue and her. I do however know how deeply concerned my family are, especially my mother, who has and is trying to 'help' but isn't getting anywhere. I certainly am not in a position to speak to my sister directly about it but I would like to be able to give some support and ideas to my mum as she is feeling q. Isolated and desperate in all of this.

I do completely get that it has to be her decision and come from within. I am no stranger to my own demons, which I have gotten over in my time but with the discrete help of my family so I know how valuable family support can be albeit initially I viewed it as invasive and intrusive. This said surely there is a point where one has to put an individuals health before concerns over being insensitive. She's in denial at the moment and is more than capable of solving the problem but needs to wake up - just because it's always been alright in the past doesn't mean it will be in the future.

So perhaps anyone that can associate could spend a few minutes explaining how they accepted the need to do something and went about it - how they made that decision, and perhaps from any such explanations my mum maybe able to help her do that.

I know that not doing anything isn't the right thing to do.

Thanks, Hugh

[Misti in Seattle]

IMO you are far better off to stay out of it. Most of us have enough of a struggle dealing with our own issues and faults. Your sister will lose weight when SHE decides to, and someone giving her a hard time about it is only going to discourage her more. Fat people KNOW they are fat; the decision to do something about it can only be made by the individual. Generally others trying to "encourage" them to do so is considered only as interference.

[LymieHugh]

Misti,

Thanks for your thoughts. It is a shame that my comments are met with such defensive reactions. Of course we all have faults, sometimes we need a little help from our friends and sometimes we don't know what's best for us - can't see the wood for the trees. I'm not suggesting that she doesn't know shes overweight and by no means intend to give her a hard time - just to help.

It's funny you know - I have chronic Lyme disease and coinfections and am very very sick. I'm a member of a number of LD support forums all of whom recognise the value of helping others out not just leaving them to struggle on alone when they obviously need help. I just cannot understand this attitude.

[LebenAlles]

I know that our answers aren't what you're looking for but these thoughts all stem from our own personal experience. I don't think I've ever read a weight loss success story that started with "My family had an intervention..." or even "My family's subtle hints...".

There really is something that has to click within a person for them to take that step. And any amount of pushing from those close to that person almost undoubtably sends them deeper into either denial or depression about their weight. Wanting to help her is a noble, loving gesture. And yes, being overweight is a big deal that should be taken seriously...but it has to start with her.

The only thing I can suggest is demonstrating in your own life a very healthy attitude mainly through actions and not words. Make it about you, not her. Start a challenge here on 3FC, or sign up for a marathon. Buy a healthy (but tasty!) cookbook and make her a meal from it. Let her know you're shooting for your challenge or training for your marathon and ask her for help on decided a good menu for the week by taste testing some of the healthy recipes (again, shoot for things that are so tasty she wont believe they're good for you). Or have her spot you while lifting weights or go on a picnic outside somewhere that might lead to a short walk over to some landmark or vista. Again, the more about you it becomes, and the less focus that is put on her, the better. Keep it light, and keep it fun. The rest is up to her.

I hope that helps. I still strongly strongly agree that any intervention, no matter how subtle, would only result in damaging your relationship with her and pushing her even further into the path she is currently following. No matter how sincere your efforts. I really can't stress that enough.

Edit: I just read your response to Misti and I just want to say that I truly do not believe that we're trying to be defensive or present a bad attitude. We're honestly giving you pretty factual, honest, straightforward advice just as you have asked for. We're not giving you B.S. because our feelings have been hurt in the past or anything like that. We're telling you exactly how it will go down, even if it's not what you're looking for. We're all for support (we're one big family here on 3FC! ) but we're all here completely and utterly because we choose to be. And that, my friend, is what makes all the difference.

Best of luck for you and your sister...it's awesome that you care so much about her...definitely don't stop showing her as much love as you can muster!